Finally, Laura Weighs In On All The Important Issues of Today

1. Justin Timberlake's New Song
Justin. You are not bringing sexy back. That song is terrible. And I even have a little soft spot for Justin. What it kind of reminds me of is when we used to listen to tapes and then they'd get caught and stretched out in the tape player.
Laura Gives It A : Not so much, try again.

2. Noodles and Company
Yum! Totally good and totally cheap. I myself had the Indonesian Peanut Saute. A little more fiery than I expected but, again, really good.
Laura Gives It A: You're the Bomb Diggity.

3. Walgreen's and Others:
I'm writing to my state representative, once I find out who that is, and I'm asking them to write a new law. This law will state: You can not build two locations of the exact same store within 5 miles of each other. They've been working on this new site where they tore down a house and I was interested to see what it would be. Walgreen's. There's a bleeping Walgreens 2 miles down the road. STOP IT.
Laura Gives It A: You're fired. And I hate you.

4. This Lady Who Works In My Office (But not crazy secretary)
Today at 12:15pm this lady comes down and says "Laura, would you be interested in going to this training session this afternoon to learn about the new immunization laws?"
First of all, it seems to me that if I actually had to sit through that training session, I would poke my eyeballs out with the needles out of sheer mind-torturing bordem.
Second of all, the training started at 1. It was 12:15. And it went a half hour later than I get out of work. So I tell her that I can't because I have appointments right after I get out at three. And she seems all put out.
Two Things, Hanna Montana-
1. Here's an idea. Tell me about it slightly earlier than 45 minutes before it starts.
2. Get real.
Laura Gives It A: I'd Rather Get 20 Tetanus Shots. In my ear.

5. Getting the Newspaper Delivered
I like getting the newspaper. It's very.. informative.
Laura Gives It A: Keep it coming.

I AM... MAAATHHH GIRLLLL!
(Defender of decimals, protector of precentages.. you get the idea)

Have I made a bad decision by choosing to live so close to campus? Sitting outside, I have heard the following things so far tonight:
1. A bunch of guys screaming obnoxiously for about a 1/2 hour now
2. The soccer team that lives below my saying "Oh we are so drinking tonight"

Really, I've got nothing against college kids, especially seeing as most of them are only about 2 years younger than me, but do they need to be so stinking loud all the time? Oh well, it will get cold in about 2 months and every one will be holed up in their apartments.

Speaking of neighbors..
Last night, we're leaving for Rob's show, and as we're walking out the door the couple who live across the hall from us come running up the stairs. So Rob says to them, sarcastically, "Hey, guys, come on. There's no running in the building."
Response from them: nothing.
Not a smile, not a eyeroll, not a 'what the hell' look.
We've introduced ourselves to this couple before, so it's not like they don't know who the heck we are.
Granted, it wasn't a very funny joke, but nonetheless, COMPLETELY BLANK FACES, and then they walk in their apartment.
Rob and I are like "What the hell was that?"

I'm building myself an Ikea desk. I'm picking out everything, the kind of top and bottom and all the storage and whatnot. It's going to be BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT!

Back to work tomorrow...buuuuttttt..I've got Friday off.

p.s. I won the Crim. Erin came in second. I think it may be because we rubbed my mom's fuzzy little head for good luck. Is your mom cuter than my mom? Answer: Not a chance.

p.p.s. "So this is a Haavad baaa? I thought there would be equations and shit on the waaals." Best movie ever made, don't even try and fight with me.

Laura Has 2 Glasses of Wine and Writes A Blog

Thoughts Thought During My Second Day At My New Job, A Selection:
"Maybe I should just sleep in"
"Why can't everyone just wear jeans to work?"
"Is this lady kidding me?"
"Maybe I have a text message"
"How the F does this copy machine work?"
"I'll kill myself if they don't fix my internet"
"Is this lady kidding me?"
"4 more hours"
"Someday, I'll be a genius, and not making copies"
"Wine sounds good"
"Is this lady kidding me?"

Needless to say, one of the secretaries is crazy. Certifiably. She's been there for 14 years and apparently she's a bit of a control freak. I get this email from her when I get into work, and I look at the time it was sent. 5:53. We don't have to be to work until 7. So I go over and show the cool secretary, and she informs me that crazy secretary comes into work between 4:30 and 5am everyday. For no apparent reason.
Crraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy.
Also, Crazy Secretary won't let us throw anything away. There are ink cartridges and printer ribbon from machines that don't even EXIST anymore, and she won't let us throw them away.
Dear Crazy Secretary,
I know the 80's are coming back in fashion, but the trend doesn't apply to office technology.
Love, Laura

Question I most asked myself today:
"Laura. Why the crap didn't you take the job at Sarah Lawrence?"
Answer: Because it was in New York.
I didn't want to stay in New York. I'm glad I didn't. But at the same time... that would have been the freaking SWEETEST job.
Oh well.

Rob got a job. He's teaching high school writing. We got furniture today. Yay us!

Playlists

My Running Supermix
1. Mr. Brightside- The Killers
2. Walkaway- Kelly Clarkson
3. Shame On You- Indigo Girls
4. Only The Good Die Young- Billy Joel
5. Golddigger- Kanye West
6. My Doorbell- White Stripes

My Favorite Songs of All Time Mix

1. Time Will Do the Talking- Patty Griffin
2. Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd
3. One- U2
4. Strange Currencies- REM

To be edited, but I'm going to bed now.

P.S. I'm employed. Gainfully, even.

p.s. I heart writing.

A Post of Substance

Just kidding. Let's be serious, this blog is completely substance-free. This blog is so substance-free it's straight edge.
Now, on to the nonsense...

1. Today I had to kill some time before my interview, so I stopped at the new Beaner's on Westnedge.
Laura's Tip For Life #1: Beware the establishment on it's first day of existance.
This place was like happy customer service on steroids.
First, I walk in and the owner is standing right there and he's like "HELLO! WELCOME TO BEANERS! THIS IS OUR GRAND OPENING!"
me: hi.
Then the girl rings me in and then I go down to pick up my drink and the drink guy is standing there, smiling this freaky smile and he's like "Hello and welcome to Beaners. Have you joined our e-rewards program?" He then proceeds to go through all the details of the e-rewards program with me.
Then, I go to sit down and the manager follows me back to my seat. He's like "Is the sun okay for you? I know it's really sunny there. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll get some shades."
Me: Yeah, it's not so bad. Shades would work.

THEN The manager comes over and he's like "So! What did you get today?"
Me: A MochaChill
Him: "And how is that?"
We then proceed to have a 5 minute conversation about whether or not the MochaChill has enough espresso in it.

Just as I'm about to leave, the owner comes back over and we talk for another 3 minutes about the sun and shades vs. no shades.

It's like, I know they're trying to be really nice and customer servicey, but all those people smiling at me and striking up bizarre conversations made me feel like I was in a room full of serial killers.

2. Running the Crim on Saturday. Erin better step up her training or I'm going to leave her in the dust. That's right, Erin, I'm talking to you. I've got the need for speed. Get to running.

3. Anyone know a good tailor in Kalamazoo? My pants are too long. As a rule.

4. Rob took his test and got A+ certified today. He's a super-genius.

5. We got new phones. And text messaging. And text messaging with pictures. Dangerous. I'm obsessed. As I am with anything that allows me to waste my life away frivilously.

6. Today I borrowed Sar's car for a few hours and she had Tristan Prettyman playing on her CD player. You should check out her page, because she's very good.

Fall, fall, fall! Fall is almost here!

Things about fall that rock my world-
1. leaves
2. nice smelling fall smell
3. sweatshirts
4. football games (not so much going to them but.. you know)
5. pumpkins
6. going to John's cider mill

Things that are currently rocking my world-
1. my porch
2. being in Kzoo, playing Scattergories and drinking too much wine (no names mentioned)
3. The dog Rob and I are about to get. It's a chihuahua. But not a little skinny-freaky chihuahua. A pudgy chihuahua. And what have we named him? We have named him Frankenstein. Our dog is named Frankenstein.
4. Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger
5. The White Stripes
6. The Spinach-Feta Burger

Things that are currently not rocking my world
1. Being a bartender (although, to my credit, I'm a mean mojito-making mamajama)
2. Beaners MochaChill. Starbucks Frappucino. Anything that isn't a Brainfreeze.

When I was growing up, I had this friend Brian, and sometimes his mom would misspell his name in cards and things, so it said "Love, Brain"

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret

What happened to all the commenters? It's a lot more fun when people comment. Get on it people, this is not a one-sided relationship. This is like, when you were in college and you had to do group work, and there would always be one person who didn't do or say anything, but their name still went on the project.
Don't be that person, people.
Here's the topic:
If you had to pick your own theme song to start playing everytime you entered a room, what would it be?
Discuss.

p.s. Mine is "Pour Some Sugar On Me"

Mullets for a Cause

Through the miracle of computers, we have been able to simulate what my sister would look like with a mullet.
And it's for a good cause.
You know you want to be a part of this.
Winther Race For A Cure Fundraising Page

Deep Down, I'm Still In Fifth Grade

I really like this wine, we served it at Food Dance when I worked there. The problem is, it's called sex. See, can't even type it.
So I go into Tiffany's and I look around for it, but I can't find it, but I know they have it, because Tiffany's has everything. If you made moonshine in your backyard they would probably carry it. So, I suck it up and ask. I say-
"Do you have any of the Mawby wines from Traverse City?"
(note: why it sounds like I think I'm a wine snob here, the only reason I even know the company name is because I sold it at Food Dance. End note)
They guy says "I've got a couple. Which one are you looking for?"
Yes, boys and girls, I am 25 and I can't say 'sex'.
I say "Umm... I don't know.. I just wanted to look at them."
Pathetic, Laura! Pathetic!
It is now painfully obvious that I want the Sex, but can't say it.
What's funny is, when we sold it at Food Dance, I had no problem with it. I had to walk up to tables and say "Tonight on special, we have Sex."
But I can't say it to this man.
Because this man looks like Flanders from the Simpsons.
Okaley, Dokaley, Neighbor, I'll take the Sex.
Anyhow, so he finds it, and he says "Oh, looks like we have the Us, or the Sex"
So I grab the Sex and I say
UhyeahthatlooksfineI'lltakethat,thanks.
Should you even be allowed to drink if you can't say sex?
In other news I am semi-employed.
I am waitressing.
I am only okay with this because I have been guaranteed a teaching job for next semester and because a journal wants one of my stories.
Which makes me feel like not as much of a loser waitress with a Master's degree and 60,000 in student loans.
The restaurant is really cool though, it's Cosmo's, which is tiny and cute and kitchy, and directly across from the disaster of an apartment that Rob and I used to live in in the student ghetto that I miss TERRIBLY.
TERRIBLY. Don't get me wrong, our new apartment is nice. But I will take a rundown little apartment in the cute old historic neighborhoods over the nice stuff anyday. Good God, that place was such a piece of crap you couldn't open the oven door all the way because it would hit the refridgerator. And the ceiling bowed about a foot in the middle. And I would buy it in a second.
If I weren't a waitress.
Anyways, I'm going to be a bartender. And I get to wear whatever I want to work.
And I'm trying to be positive.
Because what the hell don't I have to be positive about? I TYPE 70 F-ING WORDS A MINUTE, DAMNIT! TODAY, MICROSOFT OFFICE. TOMORROW? THE WORLD!!!
p.s. My sister has forbid me to say f-ing anymore. She tells me I sound like a trucker. She says "I've got your silk-screened jacket for you, whenever you want it."
But I feel it was warranted in this situation.

Memo
To: L. Winther
Re: How Cool Are You?

Guess how many words I can type per minute? 70.
I have to keep a fire extinguisher next to my keyboard.
That's how cool I am.

Reason I Suspect I Am Actually No Fun

Tonight Rob and I went to see the new Will Ferrell movie (not going to lie to you.. it was kind of a disappointment...), and at the end, after their Nascar race, to celebrate, the winning team opens the bottle of champagne and sprays it everywhere.
What everyone else is thinking: Hooray! They won!
What I'm thinking: Ahhh! Stop that! Now everyone's going to be all disgusting and sticky! And then you're going to have to clean all that champagne off of everything!

I'm going to go ahead and blame this one on Gordita and The Min. I think that, had I not been raised to clean up all my own messes, I would be able to enjoy this type of thing. But now, all I can think about is what a pain in the ass it would be to clean up. Other things in movies that have this same affect on me:
1. Pies in the face (which, as a side note, are not funny anyways. Ever.)
2. Food fights
3. Scenes in movies like Cheaper By the Dozen and Yours, Mine and Ours where all the kids make a gigantic mess of the house.
4. Football movies where the players dump the Gatorade/water over the coach's head

And most of all...
Nothing septic-related is EVER FUNNY. DO NOT HAVE PEOPLE GET SEPTIC-IZED.

Don't Feed the Animals

Last week Rob and I got a gym membership back at the gym we went to before we moved, which I really like. Except, the gym has gone "BodyPump" crazy.
First, I'd like to this opportunity to say the word "pump" more, because Sara hates it so much.
Pump up the jam! Pump it up! While your feet are thump-in'!
And the jam is pump-in'!
Look ahead the crowd is jump-in'!
Anyhow.
So I go to BodyPump this morning, which is basically just a class where you do weight training for an hour. All is going well until we get to biceps.
Do you know what the instructor refers to working your biceps as?
Feeding the pythons.
As in, "Come on, girls, it's time to feed the pythons."
When she said it, I threw up in my mouth a little.
Okay, not really.
But I definately did not keep a straight face.
It takes a lot to say something like that and take yourself seriously. And so I applaud you, BodyPump girl. You feed those pythons.
Later on, Rob and I were helping Sara move and I went to pick something up and it was too heavy so I told Rob to move it.
Rob says "Oh, looks like the pythons must still be hungry."
To which I say "HEY! I MAKE THE SARCASTIC COMMENTS AROUND HERE, BUDDY!"

A Few Bones To Pick...

I spent a good hour yesterday typing out this great short story that I wanted everyone to read, but then all the sudden I got worried that it was copyright infringement and I would be sued by someone, so I took it down.
So.
Everyone read "Drawer" by Rick Moody. It's 2 pages long. I'll expect a book report.

Bone to pick #1- Western... What the crap?

Today I needed to print something out. And god knows that I'm too cheap to buy a printer, so I went on campus to print it. Years ago, back in my day, there used to be this fantastic lawn between Waldo Library and Knauss Hall (that's "Knaw-s". Not "Ka-Nouse". Say Ka-Nouse and I'll punch you.) where you could go and lay out and read between classes. Now, where the lawn used to be, there is a GIGANTIC new chemistry building. Seriously. Screw chemistry. Give me the flipping lawn back. I don't even like chemistry. I'll meet your chemistry building and raise you a lawn. That didn't make any sense, but I wanted to say it anyways.

Bone to pick #2- Sure, someday maybe I'll be well paid. But for now, please let me answer your phones
Today my job hunt took a decidedly bad turn. I took my MFA off of my resume. Why? Because no one wants to hire me. They think that if you have a Masters degree you should be able to find a well-paying job. Well, they're wrong. And so now, in order to get any job whatsoever and not starve to death, I have to lie.
Michigan, you are so lucky you are the state of Great Lakes, Great Times, because otherwise, I would abandon you so fast and go somewhere where they actually hire people. How can I do such things when a Pleasant Peninsula Awaits Me? I cannot, I cannot. Once again, Michigan, you have me wrapped around you're little mitten.

There will be more bones to pick, but right now I'm going to bed.