Dear State of Michigan,
Work it out.
Love, Laura

Seriously, people, do you not see the irony in the fact that you're holding out so that people don't have to pay higher taxes, but by holding out, a bunch of people aren't going to get paid at all? I'm going to go ahead and get in line for paying taxes a teensy bit higher than usual.

And why would you pass an extension? So you can not come up with a plan for 30 more days? Great. Great idea.

On another note, I suck. Yesterday, I was on the elevator and, just as the doors were closing, a girl in a wheel chair approached the elevator. Naturally, instead of acting quickly like any normal person, I just kind of stood there. I do this a lot. It's like I need that time-out super power because my brain doesn't work as fast as other peoples'. You know how this ends. The elevator doors closed before the girl could get on.
I am so retarded and horrible.
In my defense, I did hit the 'door open' button several times.
Somehow, I don't think this is going to make much of a difference when I'm sent to hell.

He Says He's Sorry

Street preacher: The day of repentment is here!
Passerby: 'Repentment' isn't a word...
Street preacher: It's the word of God.

--42nd & 5th

Overheard by: The Professor

via Overheard in New York, Sep 25, 2007

YARRRGH!

I didn't miss it this year!! Tomorrow is Talk Like A Pirate Day!!! I'm now coming up with ways that I can incorporate this into my classes tomorrow. I've been looking for a way to get rid of that very last shred of professional dignity and I think this is it.

(1) My brain works like a computer.
653-0047- Know what that is? My best friend from kindergarten's phone number. But here's the thing; I only remember it because I never updated it, as in, she never got a new phone number while we were still hanging out. If she had, I would only remember the last phone number she had.
I'm sure this is really intruiging, but I've got to move on people.

(2) Is 'kindergarten' a German word? Say it with a German accent. It sounds German to me.
Mini? My mom's like a human Rosetta Stone. I'm going to start calling her Rosetta. Maybe Rosy. She'll love that.

(3) I'm going to see Jamaica Kincaid tonight. She's a genius, maybe she'll be able to make me a genius with her genius advice.

(4) Papers I promised to return tomorrow: 10 read, 9 to go. Which would be good if I wasn't driving up to GR to see Jamaica Kincaid in about 10 seconds.

(5) My life, in minature:
Me: Rob, you left the sliding door open again
Rob: Well the ninjas have to get in some how
Me: Rob, there are no ninjas here
Rob:... Laura... don't piss them off...
Which would be funny if, the next night, he had remembered to close the sliding door when we went to bed. Not the case. I swear to you, if it happens again, there had damn well better be a ninja dozing on my couch or I'm going to fist fight Rob. And everyone knows he cries like a little girl.

(6) Heroes. One week from yesterday. Feel the power.

My inbox is drowning in emails. And none of them mention money, a high-pay low-effort job, or the desire to publish any of my stories.
On the upside, none of them mention Cialis either.

On Movies

(1) Balls of Fury.
Not really that funny. Joe was totally right when he said that all of the movies are the exact same now. What's with all of the sudden the whole "find an obscure or somewhat ridiculous sport and make it into a comedy movie" thing? Here's an example or 10:
Balls of Fury
Dodgeball
Blades of Glory
Talladega Nights

Get a new idea, people.

The one funny part was that the evil guy had a pet panda. But it was dead. Because the guy didn't know what it ate. That's right- ridiculous sports? Not funny. Dead endangered species? Funny. Please try to keep up.

(2) About some previews...

(a) Umm... have you seen the preview for the second National Treasure movie? Let's move right past the fact that the first National Treasure movie was a piece of ridiculous crap and onto this new one which is called "Book of Secrets". Yeaaaahhh.. turns out that there's a "President's Book of Secrets", which details all of the secret undercover stuff by previous presidents, such as the inside assassinations and stuff. Wow. Killer plot, guys. Is there are a heart-shaped lock on the President's Book of Secrets? Is it hidden underneath the President's mattress?
So, what do you do if you need to see the book and uncover a historical scandal?? Why, you kidnap the president to get it, of course!
STOP. WASTING. CELLULOID.
STOP PROLONGING NICOLAS CAGE'S CAREER.
In creative writing, every professor on earth tells their students to read things out loud to themselves, to hear what it sounds like. Clearly, no one read this plot outloud. Or when they were sober.

(b) I also saw a preview for Resident Evil: Apocolypse. I've never seen any of these and really have no opinion one way or another, though I know I personally would hate them. But the plot reminds me a little of the 28 days later/28 years later/28 decades later/whatever thing, which is to say: Last 20 or so people on Earth, everyone else is a zombie/vampire, have to defend themselves every waking moment.
This got me to thinking. Really. If there are only 20 or so of you left in the world, and the Earth is ruined... what are you holding out for? I'm not going to lie to you, at that point, I'd just go ahead and throw in the towel and call it a day. Is there some reason in particular that you are so adamant about continuing to live your miserable, day to day existance of living in a wasteland, fighting off zombies and watching your friends die? Go ahead and get the big Zombie kiss of death and call it quits. Clearly, there's a reason that the fate of the human race is not resting in my hands. The only thing that would change my mind about this scenario is if I, by some miracle, had access to the Presidents Book of Secrets. Everyone knows that zombies were created by the government, which means that the Presidents Book of Secrets would have the antidote to zombieism in it, and then I would turn all of my loved ones back into people.

(3) Superbad
Not as funny as I was hoping.

Hells Yeah Sea Fugitives!
You think we're going to take it anymore? You think we're gonna stand by why you eat all our fellow homosapiens? YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING!
What do we want? No more sea creature maimings!
When do we want it? Now!
And who brought you this story first, folks. That's right, lolalou.com

I just ran into Stuart Dybek at the coffee shop. Should that be more surreal than it is? As I was talking to him, I pulled the anthology I'm using in my creative writing class out of my bag and realized that one of his stories is in it. He was wearing a Franz Kafka shirt.

I like Water Street a lot, but the music is too damn loud. All the time. Also, a lot of time it's that spoken word with music in the background stuff. I'm just not that hip.

What is the name of the treaty that the US signed after World War II saying that, if there were to be another genocide like the Holocaust, we were required to step in and stop it? So far, in mentioning it to my classes, I have called it the Warsaw Pact (which it is not) and the Geneva Convention (which was... a convention, it turns out, and not a treaty of any kind). Hopefully, they are paying as little attention as they appear to be paying, and won't have even noticed.

Apparently, Ugly Is The New Fall Fashion

I'd like to talk about one of the many things that bugs me. Namely, trying to buy new clothes. What the heck is up with the new styles for fall?! They are U-G-L-Y. On Saturday, Erin Indiana and I were in Urban Outfitters. Granted, that store is always a little outside the realm of day-to-day streetwear stuff, but there are always some cute things in there. No. Do you know what they had in there? Vests. Listen, I lived through the 80s. I don't wear vests. I'm all uglyed-out. Also? Tapered jeans with zippers at the bottoms. Tapered jeans don't look good on anyone. You could weigh 98 pounds and you would still have badunka-dunk butt in tapered jeans.
But it's not just Urban Outfitters. The other day I was out to Buy Clothes, which means, "Screw it! My clothes are all old and boring! I'm buying a new wardrobe!" I walked out of Old Navy with one $10 shirt.
There are two explanations for this-
1. Everything truly is ugly.
2. I'm getting old.
For a while, I thought it was number 2, but then I saw the vests and I was off the hook.

I'd also like to discuss Audio Books.
I've been listening to a lot of them on my morning commute. Little known fact: People who do the reading on audio books? Intolerable. They ruin the whole story. Right now I'm listening to The History of Love by Nicole Krauss, which is SO GOOD, except for the fact that whoever is reading the 15 year old girl character totally misinterpreted her and made her obnoxious when she's supposed to be just kind of quirky.
It is a struggle just to keep listening.
These are the things I struggle with on a daily basis, people. But your donations can help. For just the price of a iced skim vanilla latte, you can make a difference.

Way in which I'm being a be-ah this week:
I just don't know if we're going to be getting along so well with our new neighbors. Reason being that, out of nowhere last night they start BLASTING AC/DC so loud that our walls start shaking and Penny starts freaking out. It sounded roughly like this:
"THUN-DA!! THUN-DA!! Bark! Bark! What the fu? THUN-DA!! BAAAARRRKKK!!! Squeak! (Mr. Frogowitz) THUNDA!"
They'll be none of that. Rob went over and knocked on the door, expecting a couple of college kids and... they're approximately 30. Seriously, people? He says to Rob, "Oh.. sorry Bro."
Yeah.. Bro.
As we were leaving we hear a guy and a girl running in the hall, giggling and chasing one another.
Awesome. I looked up the number for Public Safety. Seriously, don't think I won't.

This week my students are going to learn the following thing:
When it is appropriate to say 'good' and when they should actually be saying 'well' instead.
They will not be learning the proper placement of a semi-colon, unless they learn it from someone else. If they do, I hope that they'll be kind enough to pass that information along to me.