If You Are Famous For Nothing, You Don't Exist To Me
For example:
Heidi Montag from The Hills. Also, Lauren Conrad. Why are you famous? Why does anyone know your name?
Also:
Paris Hilton
Ryan Secrest
Rob and I can't think of any more examples, but here are the rules: From now on, you must DO something to be famous.
For example:
Act really well!
Write a book!
Sing so wonderfully it makes me want to cry.
Cure AIDS!
Negotiate peace!
I don't care. But getting 20 DUIs does not count, nor does being the call girl that a senator slept with.
Be serious.
Honestly, I'm not even being that hard on you. If you invented the Pogo Ball, I am 100% fine with you being famous. That Pogoball was fun. Who would have thought of that?
Not me.
Which is why I'm not famous.
And I'm fine with that.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
HOLY. CRAP.
There is this poor teenage girl sitting behind me in the coffee shop who is with her dad for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. I know this because he announced it to everyone when he walked in. And he is embarrassing the HELL out of her. First of all, he is talking SO LOUD. Secondly, he's a salesman of some type and he keeps saying to the person he's talking to on the phone "Can you feel my pain sister? Can you help me out sister?". He is a middle aged caucasian male.
I feel for you, poor girl. If you want, you can come to work with me instead! Basically, what we do is check our email and write stories. And never, ever, do I say "Can you feel my pain, sister."
There is this poor teenage girl sitting behind me in the coffee shop who is with her dad for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. I know this because he announced it to everyone when he walked in. And he is embarrassing the HELL out of her. First of all, he is talking SO LOUD. Secondly, he's a salesman of some type and he keeps saying to the person he's talking to on the phone "Can you feel my pain sister? Can you help me out sister?". He is a middle aged caucasian male.
I feel for you, poor girl. If you want, you can come to work with me instead! Basically, what we do is check our email and write stories. And never, ever, do I say "Can you feel my pain, sister."
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
What Terrifies Me Is...
When people use old farming equipment for decoration by hanging gigantic sycthes on the outside of their garage. What it says to me is "DONT COME NEAR OUR HOUSE OR WERE GOING TO TORTURE YOU WITH WIERD METAL INSTRUMENTS, THEN CUT OFF YOUR HEAD WITH THE SYCTHE!"
More or less, I mean.
And I see it A LOT.
I hope those people don't have kids. Because if we had had that stuff hanging on my garage when I was a kid, I would have had a scythe straight through the middle of my head in no time.
When people use old farming equipment for decoration by hanging gigantic sycthes on the outside of their garage. What it says to me is "DONT COME NEAR OUR HOUSE OR WERE GOING TO TORTURE YOU WITH WIERD METAL INSTRUMENTS, THEN CUT OFF YOUR HEAD WITH THE SYCTHE!"
More or less, I mean.
And I see it A LOT.
I hope those people don't have kids. Because if we had had that stuff hanging on my garage when I was a kid, I would have had a scythe straight through the middle of my head in no time.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
What Creeps Me Out Is...
When I write something, say, the beginning of a story, and when I open the file up a few days later, I have absolutely no recollection of anything I wrote.
Also, John McCain's wife.
Right. There used to be this post here about what does 'it went down the wrong tube' mean. Then I was talking to Rob about it. Turns out you have both a food pipe and a wind pipe and they're seperated by a flap of skin, and apparently this is common knowledge. And I'm an ass. I don't usually erase posts, but I was feeling a bit embarrassed about that one. Forget it ever happened.
When I write something, say, the beginning of a story, and when I open the file up a few days later, I have absolutely no recollection of anything I wrote.
Also, John McCain's wife.
Right. There used to be this post here about what does 'it went down the wrong tube' mean. Then I was talking to Rob about it. Turns out you have both a food pipe and a wind pipe and they're seperated by a flap of skin, and apparently this is common knowledge. And I'm an ass. I don't usually erase posts, but I was feeling a bit embarrassed about that one. Forget it ever happened.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Literally.
I am here today to talk about the abuse of the word 'literally'. This is a serious social problem plaguing our society. You can not just throw it haphazardly into any old sentence. Take, for instance, this conversation overheard today in the LCC cafeteria:
"Trust me, man. You don't go to that class, it will bite you in the ass. Karma is literally a bitch."
The only way that I can think of for that to be a good use of literally is if the professor of that class is named Karma.
I do not believe that that is the case. If it is, I will most certainly apologize
I am here today to talk about the abuse of the word 'literally'. This is a serious social problem plaguing our society. You can not just throw it haphazardly into any old sentence. Take, for instance, this conversation overheard today in the LCC cafeteria:
"Trust me, man. You don't go to that class, it will bite you in the ass. Karma is literally a bitch."
The only way that I can think of for that to be a good use of literally is if the professor of that class is named Karma.
I do not believe that that is the case. If it is, I will most certainly apologize
Monday, April 07, 2008
Here's the post where I hate on songs
Everyone loves that "Love Song" song. It's nice and all, but here's my problem: the only reason that 'today' comes at the end of the verse is to rhyme with 'stay'. I HATE that. I HATE when you can tell someone is trying to rhyme. If she wrote the exact same song and didn't need to rhyme with 'stay', she would have left 'today' off. Because it doesn't sound right. And so I banish this song.
End of story, the decision has been made.
Everyone loves that "Love Song" song. It's nice and all, but here's my problem: the only reason that 'today' comes at the end of the verse is to rhyme with 'stay'. I HATE that. I HATE when you can tell someone is trying to rhyme. If she wrote the exact same song and didn't need to rhyme with 'stay', she would have left 'today' off. Because it doesn't sound right. And so I banish this song.
End of story, the decision has been made.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
I'm almost afraid to post this
Okay, but before you go, be warned: You have to be willing to make fun of yourself. Because if you're not, you'll be offended. Check the comments on the page, LOTS of people are offended. But I don't think they should be. It's hysterical. And it hits a little too close to home. Except for #52 (Sarah Silverman, whom I despise) and #10 (Wes Andersen movies, which I don't like). My favorite is #83 (Bad memories of high school).
Okay. Here it is.
Okay, but before you go, be warned: You have to be willing to make fun of yourself. Because if you're not, you'll be offended. Check the comments on the page, LOTS of people are offended. But I don't think they should be. It's hysterical. And it hits a little too close to home. Except for #52 (Sarah Silverman, whom I despise) and #10 (Wes Andersen movies, which I don't like). My favorite is #83 (Bad memories of high school).
Okay. Here it is.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Tuesday Morning at Tuesday Morning
Today I went to Tuesday Morning for the first time. Quite appropriate, since it's Tuesday Morning. It was cool. Like TJ Maxx, only less crap and less mess. Also, less 'x's.
And I found something I liked. Explain this to me. It was a 16x20 wall.. canvas. Olive green (which, as you know, I own). And it has the alphabet on it. Not little kid nursery alphabet. Like.. adult alphabet. EXCEPT... No 'J' or 'W'. I have no idea why. I also have no idea why it was $70. But let me tell you, I WANTED it. I wanted it bad. Why is the alphabet, sans two letters, art? I don't know, but I like it. I'm still trying to come up with a way to make it not $70. Don't tell Rob. He wouldn't buy it for $7.
On the way home, I passed the old Mi Ranchito, which went out of business. I've got nothing against Mi Ranchito, but I always like it when a business I had no interest in goes out of business, because it means that there's the possibility of a cooler business going in in its place.
No luck.
Michigan Granite and Quarry?
Awesome.
Screw you, give me back Mi Ranchito, which I ate at not even once.
On the same note, I am protesting Office Depot on West Main. You should do the same. What did Office Depot ever do to me? It built a gigantic new store directly across the street from Office Max.
What the hell is the point of that.
Other, cooler things that could have gone in that space:
A bookstore
An Ikea
A warehouse filled with trampolines
Absolutely anything besides another office supplies store
So there. I'll buy my sticky notes elsewhere.
Today I went to Tuesday Morning for the first time. Quite appropriate, since it's Tuesday Morning. It was cool. Like TJ Maxx, only less crap and less mess. Also, less 'x's.
And I found something I liked. Explain this to me. It was a 16x20 wall.. canvas. Olive green (which, as you know, I own). And it has the alphabet on it. Not little kid nursery alphabet. Like.. adult alphabet. EXCEPT... No 'J' or 'W'. I have no idea why. I also have no idea why it was $70. But let me tell you, I WANTED it. I wanted it bad. Why is the alphabet, sans two letters, art? I don't know, but I like it. I'm still trying to come up with a way to make it not $70. Don't tell Rob. He wouldn't buy it for $7.
On the way home, I passed the old Mi Ranchito, which went out of business. I've got nothing against Mi Ranchito, but I always like it when a business I had no interest in goes out of business, because it means that there's the possibility of a cooler business going in in its place.
No luck.
Michigan Granite and Quarry?
Awesome.
Screw you, give me back Mi Ranchito, which I ate at not even once.
On the same note, I am protesting Office Depot on West Main. You should do the same. What did Office Depot ever do to me? It built a gigantic new store directly across the street from Office Max.
What the hell is the point of that.
Other, cooler things that could have gone in that space:
A bookstore
An Ikea
A warehouse filled with trampolines
Absolutely anything besides another office supplies store
So there. I'll buy my sticky notes elsewhere.
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