Here are two stories about what an idiot I am.

Do you ever look at a word and not recognize it? This happens to me often. Take, for instance, this morning, when I am reading the Arts and Entertainment section of the Kazoo Gazette, and I see that the KIA is putting on a presentation called "Deaf Folklore: Deaf people, culture and identity".

I know the word deaf.

But when I look at it today, all I can see is the word "leaf" with a a d. So I pronounce it, to myself, "deef". So I read this out loud to myself "Deef culture: Deef people, culture and identity". And then I say to myself, "Huh. I wonder what Deef is." And I am sitting there thinking that it's some type of ancient culture or something, like Hmong. And then I realize it's deaf. Let me tell you, though- the amount of time I contemplated whether or not I have ever heard of the Deef culture was absolutely unacceptable.

This happens to me a lot with that show The Closer. Have I talked about this before? EVERY TIME a commercial for The Closer comes on, I read it as "The Close-er"(as in, "You are closer to the remote than I am"), and EVERY SINGLE FRICKIN TIME, I think to myself, "Huh. Is that a show about aliens?". Because "The Close-er" is an alien show type of name, like "The Undead" or "Close Encounters", or whatever. And then I remember that me and myself have had this conversation many, many times before. Even as I just reread this paragraph to myself, I pronounced it "The Close-er" in my head.

Probably the kicker is that people pay me to teach their children the English language.