I Wish Writing These Was My Job
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/25B.DavinStengel.html
But it's not.
I particularly like "I Wanna Name A Park After U"
Monday, May 28, 2007
T.M.I.
More about the half-marathon (my best run EVER) and Memorial Day Camping later. First, this.
Here's a website where you can find out the #1 Billboard song on the day you were born. Or.. on the approximate date of your conception.
Right now Erin's throwing up on herself. Everyone else proceed.
So it turns out that on my approximate conception date Another Brick in the Wall was the #1 song.
The truth comes out.
From this information, I can only conclude that I'm a 60's kickback lovechild, conceived under the influence on an orange velvet couch.
Erin, I looked up your conception song for you, since I know you wont. It's "Boogie Oogie Oogie". I don't think my comments on that are really even necessary.
More about the half-marathon (my best run EVER) and Memorial Day Camping later. First, this.
Here's a website where you can find out the #1 Billboard song on the day you were born. Or.. on the approximate date of your conception.
Right now Erin's throwing up on herself. Everyone else proceed.
So it turns out that on my approximate conception date Another Brick in the Wall was the #1 song.
The truth comes out.
From this information, I can only conclude that I'm a 60's kickback lovechild, conceived under the influence on an orange velvet couch.
Erin, I looked up your conception song for you, since I know you wont. It's "Boogie Oogie Oogie". I don't think my comments on that are really even necessary.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
If You Don't Know, Now You Know.
A comma splice occurs when two independent clauses are joined by a comma with no conjunction. For example:
It is nearly half past five, we cannot reach town before dark.
It is usually considered an error, especially in American English, where it is condemned in The Elements of Style.
Simply removing the comma does not correct the error, but results in a run-on sentence. There are several acceptable ways to correct this:
* Change the comma to a semicolon:
It is nearly half past five; we cannot reach town before dark.
* Write the two clauses as two separate sentences:
It is nearly half past five. We cannot reach town before dark.
* Insert a coordinating conjunction following the comma:
It is nearly half past five, and we cannot reach town before dark.
It is nearly half past five, so we cannot reach town before dark.
* Make one clause dependent on the other:
As it is nearly half past five, we cannot reach town before dark.
Comma splices are sometimes acceptable when the clauses are short and alike in form, such as:
The gate swung apart, the bridge fell, the portcullis was drawn up.
(Examples adapted from the online 1918 edition of The Elements of Style.)
I'm just letting you know this so you won't be embarrassed, should someone ever ask you. Or, if, say, you apply to teach composition at a college and you get an email back that says "I have to tell you, I really loved your essay, despite the comma splices."
And, say, if you not only have comma splices, but you don't really even know what a comma splice is.
God help me.
I'm supposed to be in English.
The thing is, I don't have time for all the rules, people. Blah, blah, blah, add a conjuction, add a semi-colon. I've got stories to write!! I've got to write a story about a guy who has to burn a tick out of his son's skin! We're lighting matches and describing campsites and imagining tense relationships, and we sure as hell are not ruining our sentences with too many ands!!
Honestly, though, he was really nice and he said he'd forward my application to anyone he could think of that might be able to use me.
Splice that!
A comma splice occurs when two independent clauses are joined by a comma with no conjunction. For example:
It is nearly half past five, we cannot reach town before dark.
It is usually considered an error, especially in American English, where it is condemned in The Elements of Style.
Simply removing the comma does not correct the error, but results in a run-on sentence. There are several acceptable ways to correct this:
* Change the comma to a semicolon:
It is nearly half past five; we cannot reach town before dark.
* Write the two clauses as two separate sentences:
It is nearly half past five. We cannot reach town before dark.
* Insert a coordinating conjunction following the comma:
It is nearly half past five, and we cannot reach town before dark.
It is nearly half past five, so we cannot reach town before dark.
* Make one clause dependent on the other:
As it is nearly half past five, we cannot reach town before dark.
Comma splices are sometimes acceptable when the clauses are short and alike in form, such as:
The gate swung apart, the bridge fell, the portcullis was drawn up.
(Examples adapted from the online 1918 edition of The Elements of Style.)
I'm just letting you know this so you won't be embarrassed, should someone ever ask you. Or, if, say, you apply to teach composition at a college and you get an email back that says "I have to tell you, I really loved your essay, despite the comma splices."
And, say, if you not only have comma splices, but you don't really even know what a comma splice is.
God help me.
I'm supposed to be in English.
The thing is, I don't have time for all the rules, people. Blah, blah, blah, add a conjuction, add a semi-colon. I've got stories to write!! I've got to write a story about a guy who has to burn a tick out of his son's skin! We're lighting matches and describing campsites and imagining tense relationships, and we sure as hell are not ruining our sentences with too many ands!!
Honestly, though, he was really nice and he said he'd forward my application to anyone he could think of that might be able to use me.
Splice that!
Once Again, We Here At Lolalou.com Ask, "What Is the World Coming To?"
This is what's keeping me up at night lately:
"Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne.
Okay, so it's catchy.
I cannot reconcile the fact that someone wrote a lyric like "She's like so whatever" and is making millions of dollars off of it. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
And it's not just a lyric, it's the freaking reprise.
I don't even get that lyric. Where do the commas go?
Is it, "She's like, 'So, whatever'", like the 'girlfriend' is saying it?
Or is it, "She's like so whatever", like 'whatever' is a put down?
Listen, I'm not trying to act like I'm Shakespeare here, but I feel like I write things a bit shinier, a bit more insightful than that and I am not getting paid anything.
Maybe it's cause I'm not the m.f.ing princess.
This is what's keeping me up at night lately:
"Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne.
Okay, so it's catchy.
I cannot reconcile the fact that someone wrote a lyric like "She's like so whatever" and is making millions of dollars off of it. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
And it's not just a lyric, it's the freaking reprise.
I don't even get that lyric. Where do the commas go?
Is it, "She's like, 'So, whatever'", like the 'girlfriend' is saying it?
Or is it, "She's like so whatever", like 'whatever' is a put down?
Listen, I'm not trying to act like I'm Shakespeare here, but I feel like I write things a bit shinier, a bit more insightful than that and I am not getting paid anything.
Maybe it's cause I'm not the m.f.ing princess.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Want to know what pisses me off? Of course you do, that's why you're here, right? I want a house. I am sick of living in a tiny little apartment and paying rent that goes nowhere.
There are all these beee-Yoo-tiful historic houses downtown that are totally in my price range. Too bad the only reason that they're in my price range is that they are one or all of the following:
(1) Former student rental houses that have been treated like crap and rundown
(2) Not a rental but in a student neighborhood
(3) In a drug neighborhood.
Cool guys, thanks for that. Why do they do that? Why don't they take the shite-y little ranch houses and turn them into student housing and leave the historical houses alone. On the other hand, it's kind of a moot (?) point, because if they hadn't been run down, they would be WAY out of my price range and I wouldn't even be having this conversation. Still though, I'd rather have them still be nice and out of my price range than in it and crap-o.
There are all these beee-Yoo-tiful historic houses downtown that are totally in my price range. Too bad the only reason that they're in my price range is that they are one or all of the following:
(1) Former student rental houses that have been treated like crap and rundown
(2) Not a rental but in a student neighborhood
(3) In a drug neighborhood.
Cool guys, thanks for that. Why do they do that? Why don't they take the shite-y little ranch houses and turn them into student housing and leave the historical houses alone. On the other hand, it's kind of a moot (?) point, because if they hadn't been run down, they would be WAY out of my price range and I wouldn't even be having this conversation. Still though, I'd rather have them still be nice and out of my price range than in it and crap-o.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Friday, May 18, 2007
Supplies and Demands
Today I looked Dragon Lady straight in the face and laughed. It was mean. And well deserved.
I had to order some damn binder clips and staplers. Even saying that makes me depressed. I don't want to be the type of person who looks through a catalog and fills out a requisition for staplers. But, alas, here I am. Anyways, I had loaned out my supply order book to a parapro whom I couldn't get ahold of. The only other person with a supply catalog is Dragon Lady. So I go to her office and say "Can I borrow your supply book for a second? I loaned mine out."
She looks me dead in the eye and says "My supply catalog doesn't leave my office."
I couldn't help it.
I laughed out loud, there and then.
I'm glad I'm not the type of person who has a personal philosophy about my supply catalog. I wish I didn't even have a supply catalog.
I cannot WAIT to go camping next weekend. I'm running my second 1/2 Marathon on Saturday morning and then Rob is coming up and meeting me and we're going to Traverse City State Park for the weekend. I am going swimming, I am making s'mores, and I am kicking Rob's ass at Scrabble. This will be Penny's first camping trip. All signs point to her being a total camping dog.
Today I looked Dragon Lady straight in the face and laughed. It was mean. And well deserved.
I had to order some damn binder clips and staplers. Even saying that makes me depressed. I don't want to be the type of person who looks through a catalog and fills out a requisition for staplers. But, alas, here I am. Anyways, I had loaned out my supply order book to a parapro whom I couldn't get ahold of. The only other person with a supply catalog is Dragon Lady. So I go to her office and say "Can I borrow your supply book for a second? I loaned mine out."
She looks me dead in the eye and says "My supply catalog doesn't leave my office."
I couldn't help it.
I laughed out loud, there and then.
I'm glad I'm not the type of person who has a personal philosophy about my supply catalog. I wish I didn't even have a supply catalog.
I cannot WAIT to go camping next weekend. I'm running my second 1/2 Marathon on Saturday morning and then Rob is coming up and meeting me and we're going to Traverse City State Park for the weekend. I am going swimming, I am making s'mores, and I am kicking Rob's ass at Scrabble. This will be Penny's first camping trip. All signs point to her being a total camping dog.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
My Car Runs on Vanilla Iced Lattes
Do you know what gas is up to? $3.50 a gallon. This is also the price of a tall iced vanilla skim latte at Beaners. So, essentially, my car runs on lattes. My car and I have something in common, seeing as I also run on Iced Vanilla Lattes. Filling up my car this morning, I was really angry about it. I can't afford my own latte habit, much less my car's. And so I said to my car, "Screw that, car", and I only put $9.75 in gas in the car, which was luckily enough to get me to Beaners, where I bought myself a latte.
Do you know what gas is up to? $3.50 a gallon. This is also the price of a tall iced vanilla skim latte at Beaners. So, essentially, my car runs on lattes. My car and I have something in common, seeing as I also run on Iced Vanilla Lattes. Filling up my car this morning, I was really angry about it. I can't afford my own latte habit, much less my car's. And so I said to my car, "Screw that, car", and I only put $9.75 in gas in the car, which was luckily enough to get me to Beaners, where I bought myself a latte.
Monday, May 14, 2007
My dog can read. Every time we go downstairs she stops at the landing that's (dog)eye-level with the building bulletin board. Probably she's looking for a new owner. Or she's considering that 98' Geo Tracker for $1249. Either way, if she thinks I don't notice she's nuts. She's also nuts if she's really thinking about buying that Tracker, cause those cars are death traps.
I'm going to stop posting about my dog soon, I swear. This week for sure.
I'm going to stop posting about my dog soon, I swear. This week for sure.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
First and Then Second
First of all, here are some pictures from Ryan & Rebecca's bday party last night and Mother's Day today...
My mom is the only one who looks cute in this picture, but I guess it is her day...
Second. I about wet my pants when I read this to Rob yesterday. This is a letter to Dear Abby in the newspaper yesterday. It's funny enough that I'm willing to retype the entire thing here. Half of you will think it's hilarious and half will think I'm a big bitch for thinking it's funny. And, you know, you're both right...
Dear Abby:
Next to your column in today's newspaper was an article about a coming fad. It's camouflage clothing for young children. In part, it read, "The juxtaposition of the rough and rugged with the soft babyness is what gives the look its ying-yang charm. Kids in camo are, quite simply, adorable." As a retired 30-year veteran of law enforcement, I don't think it's adorable. I view it as a dangerous fad for children. During my many years of service in law enforcement, I participated in dozens of searches for lost children.
Abby, every year thousands of children are lost in this country. Some are found in a few hours, some in a few days, but others are never found. If you put just 2 or 3 percent of the children vacationing in the mountains, parks and wilderness areas of this and other countries in camouflage outfits, you will see even more tragedy because these lost children can't be seen. Lost children are hard enough to find when they are wearing red and orange outfits. If you dress a child in a camouflage outfit, she or he could be missed from 20 feet.
Please discourage parents from using these outfits- especially if they are traveling in the countryside or any other out-of-the-way place.
Sincerely,
Law Enforcement Veteran
Want to get rid of your kids? Throw them in the woods in camo. It's just that easy. Which reminds me of the time that my mom bought me that camo shirt in high school. I'm on to you, mom. Happy Mother's Day indeed.
First of all, here are some pictures from Ryan & Rebecca's bday party last night and Mother's Day today...
My mom is the only one who looks cute in this picture, but I guess it is her day...
Second. I about wet my pants when I read this to Rob yesterday. This is a letter to Dear Abby in the newspaper yesterday. It's funny enough that I'm willing to retype the entire thing here. Half of you will think it's hilarious and half will think I'm a big bitch for thinking it's funny. And, you know, you're both right...
Dear Abby:
Next to your column in today's newspaper was an article about a coming fad. It's camouflage clothing for young children. In part, it read, "The juxtaposition of the rough and rugged with the soft babyness is what gives the look its ying-yang charm. Kids in camo are, quite simply, adorable." As a retired 30-year veteran of law enforcement, I don't think it's adorable. I view it as a dangerous fad for children. During my many years of service in law enforcement, I participated in dozens of searches for lost children.
Abby, every year thousands of children are lost in this country. Some are found in a few hours, some in a few days, but others are never found. If you put just 2 or 3 percent of the children vacationing in the mountains, parks and wilderness areas of this and other countries in camouflage outfits, you will see even more tragedy because these lost children can't be seen. Lost children are hard enough to find when they are wearing red and orange outfits. If you dress a child in a camouflage outfit, she or he could be missed from 20 feet.
Please discourage parents from using these outfits- especially if they are traveling in the countryside or any other out-of-the-way place.
Sincerely,
Law Enforcement Veteran
Want to get rid of your kids? Throw them in the woods in camo. It's just that easy. Which reminds me of the time that my mom bought me that camo shirt in high school. I'm on to you, mom. Happy Mother's Day indeed.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I'm taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River line...
Want to see my pictures from NY?
Oh, right, I didn't take any.
Again.
Loser.
Here is the truth: My dog is the best dog ever.
Besides the fact that she's adorable she's superpowered.
Explain this to me: My dog is 1 foot tall, tops. Probably less. The baby gate we use to keep her in the kitchen or bathroom when we're gone is roughly three feet tall. So please explain to me why I keep coming home and finding her out of the kitchen or bathroom, sitting leisurely on top of my laundry.
Because my dog is SpiderDog, that's why.
You know she is either scaling the walls or using her webs to swing out of there.
For a while I was worried she was going to be one of those boring, well-mannered dogs. This is a huge relief.
Want to see my pictures from NY?
Oh, right, I didn't take any.
Again.
Loser.
Here is the truth: My dog is the best dog ever.
Besides the fact that she's adorable she's superpowered.
Explain this to me: My dog is 1 foot tall, tops. Probably less. The baby gate we use to keep her in the kitchen or bathroom when we're gone is roughly three feet tall. So please explain to me why I keep coming home and finding her out of the kitchen or bathroom, sitting leisurely on top of my laundry.
Because my dog is SpiderDog, that's why.
You know she is either scaling the walls or using her webs to swing out of there.
For a while I was worried she was going to be one of those boring, well-mannered dogs. This is a huge relief.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
CONTEST! CONTEST! CONTEST!
The first ever Lolalou.com contest.
The contest is "Who can find the most mascots/dressed up people/wierd statues/whatever to take their pictures with and then send them to me to post" contest.
For instance, if you happen to see a guy dressed up like a taco on the side of the road, you should pull over and get your picture taken with him. Or, for instance, there's a gigantic statue of a chicken on the way to my Nana's house which I should have gotten my picture taken with by now.
The only rule is that you have to be in the picture.
The prize is dinner. I will take the person who has the most mascot pictures out to dinner. Don't get excited, I won't take you anywhere nice. Probably Chili's or something. And you can't order a steak. But you can have a drink.
Rob's going to make me a score board and a special photo album for the contest.
I was going to give you some examples, but I can't find the memory card they're on.
You get the point though-
1. Find someone dressed like a taco.
2. Get your picture taken with them.
3. Email it to me.
I am COMPLETELY serious about this, so get on it.
The first ever Lolalou.com contest.
The contest is "Who can find the most mascots/dressed up people/wierd statues/whatever to take their pictures with and then send them to me to post" contest.
For instance, if you happen to see a guy dressed up like a taco on the side of the road, you should pull over and get your picture taken with him. Or, for instance, there's a gigantic statue of a chicken on the way to my Nana's house which I should have gotten my picture taken with by now.
The only rule is that you have to be in the picture.
The prize is dinner. I will take the person who has the most mascot pictures out to dinner. Don't get excited, I won't take you anywhere nice. Probably Chili's or something. And you can't order a steak. But you can have a drink.
Rob's going to make me a score board and a special photo album for the contest.
I was going to give you some examples, but I can't find the memory card they're on.
You get the point though-
1. Find someone dressed like a taco.
2. Get your picture taken with them.
3. Email it to me.
I am COMPLETELY serious about this, so get on it.
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