Another Bedtime Story

So, contrary to what you would think, bedtime might be the most stressful time of my day. This is because the minute I lay down, I start remembering all of these time-sensitive things that I didn't do yet, and will probably forget to do if I don't get up and write myself a note right then. Keeping a pad of paper on my nightstand doesn't work, because I never remember that I wrote myself a note. It has to be on my desk, staring at me when I sit down in the morning. Anyways, I would estimate that I get up and write myself sticky notes about three times a night.
Or, I would estimate that I USED to. Then I found the awesomest thing of all time: Jott. It's like this: You call this toll free number and a computer girl comes on and says "What do you want to Jott?". Then you just say whatever it is you want to remember, like "pay the phone bill", and the voice recognition software turns your voice into text and EMAILS and TEXTS your note to you, AND adds it to your To-Do list. This is also awesome because I tend to remember things when I'm driving a lot, and now I just call myself. You can even have Jott send you a reminder at a certain time.
This would all be awesome if it weren't for Rob.
Yes, Rob again, ruining my perfect plans.
Here's what happens.
I'm lying in bed, and I remember something, so I reach over onto my nightstand and call Jott. Computer lady comes on and says "What do you want to Jott?"
Before I can open my mouth, Rob, who is laying right next to me, says "EAT TANGERINES!"
Then Jott lady says "Got it. Do you want a reminder?"
I now have an email that says "Reminder: Eat tangerines."
It's kind of amazing, because you have to talk pretty clearly to get them to hear you, but Rob must be talking loud enough, or he must be close enough, because it works at least half of the time. Okay, maybe only about one in four times, but nonetheless, I have a friggin reminder that says "eat tangerines". One in four is plenty.
It's like I've been cursed, but I'm still on Earth.
Between laughing hysterically and Rob yelling things, it took me 3-4 tries to get myself a note that says "make the car payment". He must have been on a circus theme last night though, because I recall him yelling "Shoot myself out of a cannon" and "Buy really big shoes." Luckily, neither of those things made it onto the list.

PUBLIC ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE AWESOMENESS OF RYAN

Okay, so one else even tried to come up with new rhyme-y phrases. But let's be serious- If you had, Ryan would have schooled you. Coming in with a whopping 106 entries (though, I will admit, some of them are questionable, Ryan:) ) Ryan takes home the prize of a $5 Biggby gift card. The judges (me) were particularly fond of "Dumb Quaker". Nothing against Quakers, but that phrase just sounds funny...

A Fun Game You Can Play At Home

Last night, we're lying in bed (do you get the feeling that this is where most of my stories happen? Not sure what that's all about..), when Rob starts singing the Heartbreaker song, which you have heard many times, though you may not remember. It goes like this:
You're a
Heartbreaker!
Dream-maker!
Love-taker!
Don't you mess around with me.

And then we keep making up new ones, trying to top one another. This goes on for about a half hour. Here's what we came up with:
Bread baker
Rump shaker
L.A. Laker
Cake maker
Goodness saker
Cold faker
Pipe snaker
Snow flaker
Tent staker
Record breaker
Old Quaker
Muckraker
Pattycaker
Test taker

This is an addictive game, I will warn you ahead of time, but you should try and come up with some. Rob and I are committed to giving a $5 Biggby gift card to whoever comes up with the most. Redeemable only at the Biggby where stalker girl works.

Rob v. Penny

It's like this: Rob loves the dog. Let me rephrase that: Rob LOVES the dog. Only all-caps can explain it.
He talks to her all the time, throws her little bits of whatever he's making for dinner, even the meatballs which could have killed her being that they were full of onion, takes her on walks every day (where he claims they "talk"), gets up at 5am to feed her every morning, etc. Rob wants the dog to sleep on the bed with us, which I have forbidden. He routinely says "Penny, I just love you. You're an important part of this family." Then I roll my eyes and tell her to get off the bed.

But it's also like this: the dog loves me.

No explanation. I like the dog, but it's nowhere near an all-caps situation. More of a tentative, lowercase italics type of thing. Mostly she pisses me off because:
1. She stinks.
2. She forgets that she's potty trained from time to time
3. She WHINES
4. She stinks.
5. She tries to beat up on dogs 10 times her size.

I yell at her a lot. It sounds like this:
"Penny. You're disgusting. You smell like a trash can."
Doesn't matter. She LOVES me. If she gets up on the bed, she instantly makes a beeline for me and curls up right beside me. I mostly ignore her. If I'm feeling charitable, I'll pet her a little bit. Until she tries to lick me with trash can mouth; then all bets are off. Rob then says "Penny! Penny!" and pats his chest. She stares at him. "Come here, Penny!" She turns her head the other way, lays it on my back, and stares out the window. This morning when I got up from bed, instead of switching over and lying next to Rob, she just decides to get off the bed.

So we're laying there, and Rob has spent the last 10 minutes or so trying to get her to come lay by him when he suddenly just stops.
It should be said that Rob and I have been together for 9 years now, and I know where he's going with something about 2 seconds after he does.
I say "You're trying to ignore her, aren't you?"
Silence
I say "You think that if you ignore her like I do, she'll start loving you."
Rob says "I don't know who you're referring to."
10 minutes go by. Rob says NOTHING to Penny. It's like a world record, considering that Penny is the true love of Rob's life. Penny seems okay with it.

So anyways, there's a stand off now. Rob is not speaking to Penny. Penny doesn't even notice. I know that Rob's serious because he later took out a bag of lunch meat to make a sandwich and DIDNT GIVE HER ANY. I also know how it's going to end, though:
"Penny! Penny! Want to go on a walk? Come here Penny!"
He can try, but you just can't deny all-caps love, even if it's unrequited.

My Pick For Worst Song in Recent Memory

is "Loosen Up My Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls

Justification:

1. What it reminds me of is the bad jokes that people tell after Thanksgiving dinner, like "Man! I'm about to pop a button!" So then, Pussycat Dolls (WTF is a pussycat doll, by the way?), I picture you all as huge, fat men in overalls. It is a miracle that Weird Al Yankovic hasn't parodied this song yet.

2. How does one loosen a button? It isn't like a screw, my friend. Maybe that's your problem right there. Maybe it's not his fault at all, maybe you just don't know how to use buttons.

3. Lyric: "I'm a sexy mama"
You should know that no one says this with a straight face. Ever.

4. Lyric: "You've been saying all the right things all night long
But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off"
Again, you're a fat man with overalls, but now you sound like you have limited mobility, which makes me feel like you're also old. Probably you have a cane. That's sexy. Sexy like a sexy mama.

5. Lyric: "You say you're a big boy
But I can't agree
'Cause the love you said you had
Ain't been put on me"
Where to even start? First, "you're a big boy"? There is something creepy and vaguely pedophile-ish about your word choices.
Second, "put on me"? Now I picture your love as a giant anvil in a road runner cartoon.

6. Lastly, I saw you performing on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. How come only one of the five of you sing? What's wrong, other four? (Pussy) Cat got your tongues? I have this feeling the rest of you can't sing. To which I say, how hard is it to find four other attractive girls who can dance and also sing? I don't think it's that hard. It seems like there are a lot of dancer/singers out there.

Banished.