What I Learned in Photography Class Last Night: I Look Like Hell

I knew better than to take this class. I have taken a class with this man before. I'm sure he knows what he's talking about in regards to photography, but... something's not quite right about him. It's not just that he has a penchant for pictures with naked women and fruit. Let me put it this way: I would not be at all surprised to find out that he had appeared in an episode of To Catch A Predator.

And, since I'm not putting his name here, let's be honest. He's a really terrible teacher. I try not to be too hard on teachers,because I am one and I know how hard it can be. But call a spade a spade. The man is a terrible teacher. There is no pre-planning. Basically, people ask random questions and that constitutes the entire class. Booo. Bad class structure.

Here's a quick summary of what happened tonight:

1. I make the mistake of asking a question. Cause I'm an idiot. My question is this: "Could we go over using an external flash? I have the same flash you have, and I used it at a wedding, and I wasn't happy with the way it turned out. I'm sure I'm just using it wrong."
His response:
"Okay, well let's try it. Come stand here by the wall."
He then takes a picture of me with the flash on.
He then shows it to me and says "See. It looks good!"
A. It does not look good. My face looks washed out.
B. ....wow. Great. Thanks for showing me that! That explains exactly NOTHING.
Note: All of this will come back to haunt me later in the class. Wait for it.. wait for it..

2. About halfway through the class he tells us, "If you can see something, even the outline of something, you can still photograph it. It's never too dark to shoot, if your settings are right. I could turn all of the lights off in this room and still take a picture of you guys."
There are no windows in this room.
Is this like the photographer's version of machoism?
I don't know.
But he's got to prove it to us.
Here's how that works out:
"Okay, I'll turn out all the lights...
"... okay, that's too dark. Turn on a computer screen. I can light the whole room with just one computer screen!"
"...okay, that's too bright..."
Finally takes picture. Looks at it.
"Well.. I mean.. you never really know what you're going to get..."
My internal monologue, here on out known as "mim" : Actually...you do. There's a whole bunch of people who can move the dials and know exactly what they're going to get... they're called photographers. That's why I'm here. I was kind of hoping to be one.

2. As you may know, if the light is low and there's another light source, the light source appears blurred in the picture. Example: If you wave a cellphone around, like at a concert, and the light is low, it will look blurry.
In his picture (the magic low-light picture) the computer screen looks kind of vapory, if that makes sense.
This causes him to launch into a discussion of spirit photography.
This discussion includes the sage advice: "If you ever take a picture, and you see some kind of light in there.. that's not a ghost.. that's just a reflection."
Phew.

3. Here's where the picture comes back to haunt me. He hooks the camera up to the projector. The huge projector. You know where this is going. For a while we look at the spirit photography (NOT GHOSTS!!! REFELECTION!!!...or is it?)
Then of course, he puts the picture of me up.
mim: Stop. Stop now...
Him: Look, see how great that flash looks?
Mim: no...
He then zooms in.
Zoom, zoom, zoom!
Listen, I've never had great skin, but NO ONE looks good this big.
Mim: Stop. Stop. Too late...

My eye is now about three feet tall, on the screen.
And the skin under my eye looks..I think the word is 'reptilian'.
But he couldn't stop there.
Because this man has no filter.
Then he opens up photoshop and says "And if you need to correct some blemishes..."
Then he proceeds to take the time to remedy my acne in photoshop.

Because he's an ass.

Fine, dude. So my skin isn't flawless. But do they have a tool in Photoshop that will cover up the fact that you LOOK LIKE A PEDOPHILE???
I'm thinking no.
And so I win, even if only internally.

Really can't wait to see what I learn next week. Maybe he can take a picture of my hips and airbrush me in front of the whole class until I'm a size 6.