The Art of Awkwardness

The truth is- and I'm cool with this- I am incredibly socially awkward. I don't know why. I'm okay once I know people, but if I don't know people, I am like... TERRIBLE. I like to tell myself that it has something to do with being a writer, and that I spend so much time watching people that I don't bother to actually participate like a normal human being.
Mostly that's bullshit, though.
I'm just weird around people. Some of the crap that comes out of my mouth simply because I can't come up with anything else to say? Unbelievable.
So I get this idea that I'm going to make more of an effort to be "social".
Here's the embarrassing part.
I'd like you to note that I HAPPENED upon the audio book, rather than seeking it out. Anyways, I'm at the library, where I live, and I see this new audio book called "The Art of Mingling". It is basically a book about mingling in situations where you don't know anyone. Cool, I think. I could use that.
I'm not really a self-help book type of person. Actually, the idea of self-help books makes me really depressed. I can't tell you how many students (okay, I can: 3) I have had write about a self-help book called The Secret, and how it changed their lives. I don't want a self-help book to change my life. Maybe that's snotty. Oh well. Anyways, this one didn't seem so helpy. It seemed practical. Plus, I have a two hour round trip drive to work twice a week, so I listen to a lot of audio books.
So I get it.
Today, I'm listening to it.
What I think mostly is that it's a cruel, cruel joke.
I think that this woman who wrote the book was thinking to herself (probably at a party, where she's like, *sooooo* comfortable) was "You know what would be funny? If I wrote a book where I told socially awkward people how to act in social situations, only I gave them really BAD advice, but they took it because they're socially awkward and don't know any better."
Hilarity. Ensues.
Because I'm listening to this audio book, and it is just bad, *bad* advice.
Take for instance (and I'm only about 45 minutes into it, so I'm sure it will get much worse..) the chapter on "Great opening lines".
She made an alphabet of things to talk about. Each letter stands for a topic. "A" for instance, stands for art.
"C" stands for... cat?
Here's her opening line suggestion:
"Hey, can you help me? I'm trying to come up with a name for my cat."


I gave you a few lines of white space there so you could digest that.
.... what, seriously?
That's your brilliant ice breaker? Can you help me name my cat? Because that doesn't sound COMPLETELY RANDOM or anything. It's clear that this woman is not aware of the link between social awkwardness and old ladies and cats. Lots and lots of cats.

Another great ice breaker, falling under her "daring" category (there are two categories- "safe" and "daring", and as far as I can tell, neither one is a good idea).
"Are you people going to talk to me or what?"

No. No one is going to talk to you. Because you sound obnoxious.

Others in the "alphabet" section:
"K" is for kids. Suggestions include:
"Man, there sure are a lot of kids at parties these days"
"I wonder what all of this looks like to a kid"

Wow. Suddenly I have to go to the bathroom. Would you excuse me?
YOU. ARE. NOT. HELPING.

And then I thought, maybe, just maybe, this self-help book is an evil self-help plot to sell more self-help books. Because after you read this, then ask someone to help you name your cat, then get shot down in a major way, you're really going to end up in a dark place and NEED to read The Four Agreements, right?

And I ALSO can't help but think, what if your cat line actually worked, and you become dear friends with whoever you struck up a conversation with, and then that person comes to your house for the first time and says, "Where's your cat?"
But you don't HAVE a cat.