Fair Warning

Ninjas
from McSweeneys

Tragically, the deadliest silent killer in America is one you can do precious little about. The ninja is trained from childhood, after the elders have determined the potential candidate possesses outstanding physical gifts.

Testing for sufficient physical rigor involves trials such as the nonstop 50-mile run. In order to keep a sufficient pace, the ninja applicant is to run at a speed sufficient to keep a mat from slipping off his chest.

Once the strongest applicants are selected, usually by the age of 4, they are given 15 years of intense physical, mental, and spiritual training.

Now when we say silent, we mean silent. Training for the ninja involves mastering such skills as walking on twigs without breaking a single one and moving in on an opponent while carrying an armful of bells. Even if you are always looking over your shoulder, which is advised, the mature ninja will be able to catch you off-guard.

What can you do to stay proactive? Experts have three recommendations, each of which is accompanied by the standard ninja-precaution caveat: It probably won't work.

First, hire a decoy. A good decoy will make your daily existence safer by performing activities such as taking the direct route to your workplace while you take a new, secretive route each day. If you are unable to afford a decoy, a mannequin designed to resemble you will do in a pinch, at least for things like "sleeping" in bed while you hide in the closet. But what, exactly, are you saving your money for?

Second, move. The ninjas know where you live. You may buy some time if you move out of town, as in yesterday.

Third, run! It is too late. The decoy resembles you no more. The ninjas have found where you live. Perhaps you could set a place mat on your chest and run so fast that it doesn't move an inch because of your bullet-train-grade velocity. There is a slight possibility that your ninja isn't going to be able to keep up, once you pass the 50-mile point. Good luck with that.

Already on the run? Excellent. Stay healthy.