"Laura. After the baby comes out, I'm going to drop-kick you."
Notes From Lamaze Class

1. The man sitting next to me had redface and reeked of alcohol. Like, the kind of reeking where it was hard to take a breath while faced in that direction. Had someone given me a breathalyzer, I very well may have failed. This did not give me hope for the future of the poor baby in utero.

2. His wife didn't seem to notice? Or at least she didn't act like it. But then again, I guess if you're husband was boozing prior to lamaze, you wouldn't so much bring it up in front of everyone.

3. I want you to get a ruler. I then want you to measure out ten centimeters. I want you to do this because I don't think you quite understand how big 10 cm. is. I sure as hell didn't. Think grapefruit.

4. Do you know what lamaze is? I knew it was breathing and all. But I thought it was effective breathing. Effective how, I don't know. Stupid me and my faith in constructive breathing. Please don't be fooled; lamaze is exactly this: breathing in your nose and out of your mouth while 'relaxing'. THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT FOR ME, DR. LAMAZE? Really? If all you've got is in the nose and out the mouth and 'butterfly massage' (which consists of me fluttering my fingers over my stomach in circles, Winnie the Pooh style), you can just bring on the epidural, fools.

5. Rob would not let us leave early to watch Lost. Instead, he made us stay and watch a movie about a woman who did not get an epidural. So, instead of enjoying my favorite show, I had to watch someone in more pain than I can really fathom. Thank you, Rob.

6. At one point, there was a demonstration. A dad ("coach", if you will) volunteered, and the lamaze teacher 'birthed' him out of a pink turtleneck, which was supposed to replicate the 'effaced cervix'. This experience was surprisingly effective, as it replaced the non-epidural birth video as the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. Then, Rob has to raise his hand and say "Do babies usually come out with facial hair?" Again, thank you, Rob.