More Where That Came From

1. You know what I don't like? When I google myself (oh, shut up- you've done it before), and google suggests things, some OTHER girl with my name comes up and has 18,000 results. Stop having my name and being more famous than me. That's why I gave Brady such a long frickin' name- he'll never have the disappointment of finding himself, only not himself, when he sits around Googling his name. So what if all that comes up is the shameful time results from that 5K he ran in college. At least it will be him.
This reminds me of a story.
A few years back, I had a MySpace profile. One day, someone sent me an email, and it said "This has to be the (my name) from XYZ school in Alaska. There's no way there are two (my name)'s with bright red hair like that."
Well, apparently there is some way. Because I've never lived in Alaska.
I hate how people are always trying to BE me.
Get your own identity.

2. I've been reading a lot of parental information handouts from my pediatrician lately. This is because I have no idea what I'm doing as a parent. I went looking for the one on pacifiers, because I curious if I was creating a mentally unstable child by sticking a pacifier in his mouth every time he cries.
Let me tell you, if you want to feel better about yourself as a parent, read the handouts from your pediatrician.
The thing is, when they specifically tell you not to do asinine things, you know that the only reason that they're telling you is because someone, somewhere did it. Kind of like the McDonald's coffee cups that say Caution! Contents are hot! (no crap?).
Anyhow, here are my 2 favorite pacifier instructions/warnings from my pediatrician handouts:

1. Though the pacifier may fall out of the child's mouth while he sleeps, you should never attempt to attach the pacifier to your child with tape or other materials.
Really? Don't put tape over your child's mouth? Why? I mean, he's got a nose, can't he just breathe out of that? Isn't that why it's there, for like, back-up?

2. Never prop a bottle up in your child's crib so that they can feed themselves when hungry. It is simply too dangerous.

Prop a bottle up for self-feeding? Like that water thing we used to have in my hamster cage? Whatever genius did this also failed to note that babies can't MOVE or pick things up yet. If your kid is cognizant enough to wake up in the middle of the night, locate a bottle that's been left in his crib, eat, and go back to sleep, then he's probably old enough to get up and make himself a midnight snack, and you shouldn't even need to prop the bottle up.

Listen, I'm not trying to act like I'm super-parent. I've only had Brady for four weeks and I've already done some stupid things. For instance, the other night I picked him up out of his crib and his whole side was wet. It didn't smell, though. And his diaper seemed dry, so it wasn't like he peed THROUGH the diaper, and he seemed dry except for that one part. I thought to myself, "Man, that kid is sweating a LOT". Then I put him back in his crib, on his other side so the wet side could dry, and let him go back to sleep. Later, I felt the sheet and realized it was wet, and no kid sweats THAT much, and then I realized that he was somehow peeing out the side of his diaper, and baby pee doesn't really smell, and brilliant me just let him sleep in it. Awesome, Laura.
That said, I would never tape anything to him.

3. A few more stories about my favorite coffee place

I can't write the name of the coffee place anymore. Here's why: There's this special thing you can do to see if anyone has linked to your blog, and I was looking at it the other day, and I found one that I didn't recognize. So I went to it, and it turns out that it's the personal link page of the FOUNDER of said unnameable coffee place, and he has found my blog where I bash his barista for talking to me about my pregnancy. Underneath the link, it says "Not good press. Must respond."
Freaked me right out.
So anyways, same coffee place, different location.
I walk in, and the girl says "Oh my God, you have lost SOOOO much weight since you had that baby! Seriously, your face is MUCH thinner."
So I had pregnancy fat face and no one told me.
Cool.

Same coffee place, location where pregnancy girl work(ed?):
I pay for my coffee in drive through.
Barista guy: I don't think Gambit could work here.
Me: ... who?
BG: Gambit. The X-man?
Me: ......

He then launched into a several minute discussion of who Gambit is, and why he couldn't work at a coffee shop, apparently because he somehow throws exploding cards? I clearly don't know who the crap Gambit is.
The conversation ended when I, trying to go completely against my nature and be conversational, told him that my mom really likes the X-Men movies.
His response:
"Well, that's probably just because of Hugh Jackman. Women really like Hugh Jackman."

Uh huh. Right then, I was picturing in my head the exact look my mom would have given him if he'd tried to tell her that she only like the X-Men because of Hugh Jackman, and it would NOT have been pretty.
I really like it when people say things like "Women really like...".
It makes me feel like a panda bear. Like "Well, you know, pandas really like bamboo."
Pandas like bamboo, women like Hugh Jackman.
The world is crystal clear again, thank god.

4.
Me:.. should we take him out of the swing and put him in his crib?
Rob: No. He's asleep.
Me: What if he falls out of the swing?
Rob:... what are you talking about? You just made up a problem.