That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that $%@#ing dog.

So, I'm running through my repetoire of kids songs the other day: The fishy song, Bill Grogan's Goat, Baby Beluga,"He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" with a few questionable additions, "What I Got" by Sublime before I realize it references pot and cocaine and have to switch mid-song, the usuals...
And then I land on the Five Little Ducks Song.
I've got a problem with this song.
Sure, it teaches counting.
Counting backwards, no less.
But you've got to wonder what exactly we're teaching our kids here.
Let me refresh your memory as to the lyrics of this song:
Five little ducks went out to play
over the hills and far away
mother duck said "quack, quack, quack"
but only four little ducks came back...

FOUR little ducks.."
And on and on.
I've got two big questions for you, Mother Duck:

(1) WHERE THE CRAP IS YOUR KID?
You sent your five kids out and only four came back. Are you a little curious about where that last one went? You know, just because you have five kids doesn't mean you can spare one. There are three major possibilities here:
(a) Someone kidnapped your kid.
(b) Your kid is somewhere in the woods, hurt and crying for help. Possibly a tree fell on his leg, and now he has to make the heartbreaking decision: do I bleed out, or do I cut my own duck leg off with a rusty Swiss Army knife, sans anesthesia, to save my life? This isn't really a decision that any child should have to make.
(c) Your other four kids did something terrible to that fifth kid. Possibly they sold him for drugs. Or tied him to a tree and left him for dead. Did you even ASK the other four where the fifth is? Because if they're all like "We don't know", I might consider pressing them a bit harder.

My second question is this:
(2) WHY DO YOU KEEP SENDING YOUR KIDS OUTSIDE WHEN THEY'RE CLEARLY BEING KIDNAPPED?
I think the saying goes "Kidnap my kid once, shame on you. Kidnap my kid twice, shame on me." Something like that, anyways. It doesn't exactly take a brain surgeon to realize that if your kids keep disappearing, you maybe shouldn't keep sending them outside to play. Where do you live, exactly? It isn't safe, wherever it is. Why don't you get a membership to the Y and send them there if you're living amidst a war zone?

Mother Duck, the only conclusion I can come to is that you are strung out on cocaine, or heroin, or possibly crystal meth. Perhaps it's your drug dealer who keeps stealing your children. What he doesn't realize is that you're so high, you don't even notice, and that's not the way to get the money you owe him.

And lastly, let me tell you something. I don't really even condone spanking, but if I sent that last duck out and all five came back like "ha ha, mom! we all pretended like we were kidnapped", those kids would be in for the spanking of their lives.

And that's why I went back to singing "What I Got", because both songs are about people with strung-out moms, so what's it matter? Plus, the Sublime song has a better beat. Though it doesn't teach counting...