Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Why You Should Read Directions
Today I bought that Airborne stuff that's supposed to keep you from getting sick, because I was starting to feel a bit crappy. So I open it and they're these huge tablets. I thought they were chewable, so I just put it in my mouth. No. Not chewable. They're those damn dissolving tablets like alka-seltzer. The stupid thing started dissolving on my toungue and filled my entire mouth with this nasty lemon-lime foamyness, but there was nothing I could really do about it at that point, except spit it out, but that seemed like a big waste since there were only 10 tablets in there and the stupid things cost $7. So I just sat there with this awful look on my face, thinking I was going to throw up while this thing took forever to dissolve.
Things that, in retrospect, should have tipped me off that they were dissolvable:
1. The fact that the tablets are the size of my head.
2. The huge line at the top of the box that says "Effervescent!"
3. The picture on the back of a tablet dissolving in water.
Now, what have we all learned here?
In my defense, I dissolved the second one I took in water, and it was at least as nasty as the first, minus the feeling of something exploding on my tongue.
Today I bought that Airborne stuff that's supposed to keep you from getting sick, because I was starting to feel a bit crappy. So I open it and they're these huge tablets. I thought they were chewable, so I just put it in my mouth. No. Not chewable. They're those damn dissolving tablets like alka-seltzer. The stupid thing started dissolving on my toungue and filled my entire mouth with this nasty lemon-lime foamyness, but there was nothing I could really do about it at that point, except spit it out, but that seemed like a big waste since there were only 10 tablets in there and the stupid things cost $7. So I just sat there with this awful look on my face, thinking I was going to throw up while this thing took forever to dissolve.
Things that, in retrospect, should have tipped me off that they were dissolvable:
1. The fact that the tablets are the size of my head.
2. The huge line at the top of the box that says "Effervescent!"
3. The picture on the back of a tablet dissolving in water.
Now, what have we all learned here?
In my defense, I dissolved the second one I took in water, and it was at least as nasty as the first, minus the feeling of something exploding on my tongue.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Further Proof That I'm Sleeping My Life Away
I love to sleep. Yesterday, I wake up and I turn on the TV while I'm getting dressed and they're saying "phenomenal winds are rocking the NYC area" and I'm looking outside and I'm like, whatever, It's not that bad." I, personally, feel that NY people are wussies. They call off school and act like it's a freaking blizzard when it's barely snowing. Yesterday, however, was different. I walked to school and there were trees down everywhere, power lines down everywhere. There was a a tree that had come up by the roots and completely fallen over. When did all of this happen? Between 6-9, when I was fast asleep. Did I wake up? No. A freaking tractor trailer BLEW OFF THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE. Did I hear a thing? No. The only reason I woke up was because my dad called me at 9am, forcing me to wake up. Last night, Large Marge says to me "Some weather, eh?" and I'm like "yeah, but it didn't seem that bad". She says "What time did you wake up?" and I'm like "9". She pi-sha'd me. She's like "well, you should have been up at 6am, then you would have seen it." Yes, that's right, Large Marge shamed me.
I love to sleep. Yesterday, I wake up and I turn on the TV while I'm getting dressed and they're saying "phenomenal winds are rocking the NYC area" and I'm looking outside and I'm like, whatever, It's not that bad." I, personally, feel that NY people are wussies. They call off school and act like it's a freaking blizzard when it's barely snowing. Yesterday, however, was different. I walked to school and there were trees down everywhere, power lines down everywhere. There was a a tree that had come up by the roots and completely fallen over. When did all of this happen? Between 6-9, when I was fast asleep. Did I wake up? No. A freaking tractor trailer BLEW OFF THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE. Did I hear a thing? No. The only reason I woke up was because my dad called me at 9am, forcing me to wake up. Last night, Large Marge says to me "Some weather, eh?" and I'm like "yeah, but it didn't seem that bad". She says "What time did you wake up?" and I'm like "9". She pi-sha'd me. She's like "well, you should have been up at 6am, then you would have seen it." Yes, that's right, Large Marge shamed me.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Goonies Never Say Die
Riiighht. About my night. I sit down at 8 to watch a little American Idol, and I'm anticipating Skating With the Stars, when I get a call from Rob. Rob can't find his keys. I don't have a car anymore, so I call this car service that we've used before to go out to Rob's work with the keys. I get in and I debate for a moment whether my driver is a man or a woman. Once she speaks, I decide it's a woman. So we get over to Rob's school, and Rob opens the car door and the dome light comes on. I swear to you, on the grave of my dead cat Homer who had feline leukemia, my driver is Large Marge from the Goonies. Not looks like Large Marge. It is Large Marge. Alright, so it wasn't really Large Marge, but the likeness? UNCANNY. After being temporarily stunned by this, I go to give her my credit card to pay and she's like "Well you didn't tell them you were gonna use a credit card." Well, what she actually said was "Well, you didn' tell dem you was gonna use a credit caaad." So we're like "Well, we can just go to the ATM across the street." So we go to the ATM and Rob goes in, and Large Marge seems rather irritated, which is ridiculous, because the ATM is about two feet out of her way. Anyways, Rob gets the money out, and the fare was $18, but for some reason, I feel so guilty for no conceivable reason that I actually give her $25, and I say "Thank you, have a nice night." The woman takes the money and rolls up the window and rolls away. Later, we're in Rob's car, going to the A&P, and I swear to you, I feel so guilty. I am sitting there thinking "Is Large Marge mad at me?" Not only am I thinking that, I'm actually WORRIED about it. When we come out of the A&P on good old sketchy McLean Ave., we witness our first drug deal. Two cars are parked next to each other, and they're both out of their cars and then this one guy yells to the other "YOU GOT ONE DAY, MAN!" and then he gets into his car with the shaded windows and drives away. Rob's all talking along, and we get in the car, and I say "did you hear that?" and he's like "what?". I swear, if there's any sort of crime ever committed, you had better hope Rob isn't the only witness.
Riiighht. About my night. I sit down at 8 to watch a little American Idol, and I'm anticipating Skating With the Stars, when I get a call from Rob. Rob can't find his keys. I don't have a car anymore, so I call this car service that we've used before to go out to Rob's work with the keys. I get in and I debate for a moment whether my driver is a man or a woman. Once she speaks, I decide it's a woman. So we get over to Rob's school, and Rob opens the car door and the dome light comes on. I swear to you, on the grave of my dead cat Homer who had feline leukemia, my driver is Large Marge from the Goonies. Not looks like Large Marge. It is Large Marge. Alright, so it wasn't really Large Marge, but the likeness? UNCANNY. After being temporarily stunned by this, I go to give her my credit card to pay and she's like "Well you didn't tell them you were gonna use a credit card." Well, what she actually said was "Well, you didn' tell dem you was gonna use a credit caaad." So we're like "Well, we can just go to the ATM across the street." So we go to the ATM and Rob goes in, and Large Marge seems rather irritated, which is ridiculous, because the ATM is about two feet out of her way. Anyways, Rob gets the money out, and the fare was $18, but for some reason, I feel so guilty for no conceivable reason that I actually give her $25, and I say "Thank you, have a nice night." The woman takes the money and rolls up the window and rolls away. Later, we're in Rob's car, going to the A&P, and I swear to you, I feel so guilty. I am sitting there thinking "Is Large Marge mad at me?" Not only am I thinking that, I'm actually WORRIED about it. When we come out of the A&P on good old sketchy McLean Ave., we witness our first drug deal. Two cars are parked next to each other, and they're both out of their cars and then this one guy yells to the other "YOU GOT ONE DAY, MAN!" and then he gets into his car with the shaded windows and drives away. Rob's all talking along, and we get in the car, and I say "did you hear that?" and he's like "what?". I swear, if there's any sort of crime ever committed, you had better hope Rob isn't the only witness.
Monday, January 16, 2006
I'm The King of the World
OH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Who got a new stove? LAURA GOT A NEW STOVE. That's right, boys and girls, tomorrow they're coming to take away my old, fire-hazardy, broil-cooking, pilot light goes out and fills the house with gas stove, and bringing in a new, shiny non-life threatening stove. My buzzer doesn't work and my kitchen light doesn't turn on most of the time, but I've got a stove. It's like, the best MLK day EVER.
I'm going to have a stove party. I'm going to have people over, and we're going to cook things. FOOD FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!
Also tomorrow, we're going to the taping of the Colbert Report. I'm trying to come up with a way to get Stephen Colbert to put me on notice. I was thinking of having a shirt made up that says "I Heart Bears"
OH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Who got a new stove? LAURA GOT A NEW STOVE. That's right, boys and girls, tomorrow they're coming to take away my old, fire-hazardy, broil-cooking, pilot light goes out and fills the house with gas stove, and bringing in a new, shiny non-life threatening stove. My buzzer doesn't work and my kitchen light doesn't turn on most of the time, but I've got a stove. It's like, the best MLK day EVER.
I'm going to have a stove party. I'm going to have people over, and we're going to cook things. FOOD FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!
Also tomorrow, we're going to the taping of the Colbert Report. I'm trying to come up with a way to get Stephen Colbert to put me on notice. I was thinking of having a shirt made up that says "I Heart Bears"
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Today I go to the drug store and I buy some Q-Tips. I love to clean my ears with Q-Tips. I know it's bad for your ears. I can't help it. Anyhow, I put them up on the counter and the checkout lady picks them up and says to me "What do you use these for?"
Am I old-fashioned or something? Because last time I checked, you don't ask people what they're using personal hygiene products for. What if I had some really personal problem that I used Q-Tips for? Anyhow, I say "my ears" and she says "You know, they're the worst thing for your ears." And I said "Yeah, I know." She then went on to mumble something else, and I asked her 'what?' and she said it again, but I still couldn't understand what the heck she was talking about.
Am I old-fashioned or something? Because last time I checked, you don't ask people what they're using personal hygiene products for. What if I had some really personal problem that I used Q-Tips for? Anyhow, I say "my ears" and she says "You know, they're the worst thing for your ears." And I said "Yeah, I know." She then went on to mumble something else, and I asked her 'what?' and she said it again, but I still couldn't understand what the heck she was talking about.
Friday, January 06, 2006
January is a depressing month. Christmas is over. It's cold. There's nothing going on (no offense, MLK). The only month more depressing than January is March. I hate March.
Nothing going on here, as you can tell. I have another week of vacation and if I'm as lazy next week as I have been this week, than this may be the most unproductive vacation of my life. If I told you I watched a Biggest Loser marathon the other night, would you think I was a loser? I won't tell you then.
In other news, I've decided to take the Post Cereal 2-a-day challenge. They say that if you replace two meals a day with a bowl of their cereal (the healthy ones, none of the fun Fruity Pebble type stuff), you lose somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 pounds. I figure I already eat cereal for breakfast and I barely ever even eat lunch, because I'm too lazy and picky, so what the hell. I accept your challenge, Post. I have purchased (1)one box of Raisin Bran and (1)one box of Frosted Shredded Wheat.
It'll give me something to do.
Damn you, January.
Nothing going on here, as you can tell. I have another week of vacation and if I'm as lazy next week as I have been this week, than this may be the most unproductive vacation of my life. If I told you I watched a Biggest Loser marathon the other night, would you think I was a loser? I won't tell you then.
In other news, I've decided to take the Post Cereal 2-a-day challenge. They say that if you replace two meals a day with a bowl of their cereal (the healthy ones, none of the fun Fruity Pebble type stuff), you lose somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 pounds. I figure I already eat cereal for breakfast and I barely ever even eat lunch, because I'm too lazy and picky, so what the hell. I accept your challenge, Post. I have purchased (1)one box of Raisin Bran and (1)one box of Frosted Shredded Wheat.
It'll give me something to do.
Damn you, January.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Today is the 25th year of my existence. I went out to dinner. I had some salmon. Under the salmon was cauliflower and some sort of bread pudding. I ate the cauliflower and picked around the bread pudding. I don't like bread pudding. Or rice pudding, for that matter. Not so much tapioca, either.
Now it's 12:02 and my birthday is over.
Now it's 12:02 and my birthday is over.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
In NY...
Here I am again in NY. Getting back was pretty easy, minus the tool of a cab driver. Something about going 5 miles out of the city to get to my house seemed to confuse the hell out of him, so we finally just told him to take us to Grand Central and took the train to Bronxville, but whatever, it was fine.
I just watched a PBS special with Suze Orman. If you want to feel bad about your financial situation, I'm telling you, Suze Orman is the one to watch. She's like "you should all be contributing to your 401K, unless your corporation doesn't match, in which case you should be opening a Roth IRA. Huh? What do you mean, Suze, all my money is in an envelope underneath my mattress. Just kidding. But I seriously don't know what all that nonsense means. I'm going to be panhandling when I'm 60. I'm going to be the town bum because I never figured out how to plan for retirement. Of course, in order to retire, I'd have to get a real job.
I went to bed at 12:08 last night. I was so tired. I barely made it to watch the ball drop.
Here I am again in NY. Getting back was pretty easy, minus the tool of a cab driver. Something about going 5 miles out of the city to get to my house seemed to confuse the hell out of him, so we finally just told him to take us to Grand Central and took the train to Bronxville, but whatever, it was fine.
I just watched a PBS special with Suze Orman. If you want to feel bad about your financial situation, I'm telling you, Suze Orman is the one to watch. She's like "you should all be contributing to your 401K, unless your corporation doesn't match, in which case you should be opening a Roth IRA. Huh? What do you mean, Suze, all my money is in an envelope underneath my mattress. Just kidding. But I seriously don't know what all that nonsense means. I'm going to be panhandling when I'm 60. I'm going to be the town bum because I never figured out how to plan for retirement. Of course, in order to retire, I'd have to get a real job.
I went to bed at 12:08 last night. I was so tired. I barely made it to watch the ball drop.
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