Damn you, Duck
Today. Today, I'm on my way to class. I am late because SOMEONE was supposed to drop me off at class but forgot about me, forcing me to drive myself to class with a pocket full of parking meter quarters, stolen out of my piggy bank, at the last possible second. So I'm zooming along (and by 'zoom' I mean observing all speed limits and driving regulations), I'm almost there, I'm by the Goldsworth Valleys..... you're on the edge of your seat, I can tell... when an entire gaggle of ducks decides to cross the street. So they cross. Waddle, waddle, I'm waiting, I'm watching the clock, they're almost across.. except for one duck. There is a hesitant duck. Damn duck is standing on the very edge of the curb, leaning forward even, I swear. But he just won't cross. I am in my car yelling "GOOO DUCK!! GOOO! I'M GOING TO RUN YOU OVER, DUCK!!"
The duck will not be swayed.
I think he's about to cross and... then the duck cranes his little ducky neck toward me and laughs. And then he looks me straight in the eye and he mouths "sucker".
I hit the gas but he flew away before I could get him.
From now on, I'm throwing all my plastic six-pack holders away without cutting them apart.
Bastard.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Today: Sweet? I Think So.
1. Conversation I just had with my dad:
My dad (picking up the phone): "JAMBO!!"
Me: "What?"
Dad: "Jambo!"
Me: "What is Jambo?"
Dad: "It's Swahili for hello!"
Me: "Why are you speaking Swahili?"
Dad: "Because it's KWANZAA!"
Lately, my dad seems to think he's the Grand Master of Holidays. Today I got a "National Tell People at Work to go to Hell Day" e-card. I've been informed that tomorrow is National Electric Guitar Day, so please plan accordingly.
2. I had the BEST massage today. Because I'm going to the chiropractor and he prescribed massages, my insurance covers them. I get hour-long massages once a week for $6, and all I have to do is let the chiropractor crack my neck and possibly cause my entire spinal column to crumble.
And no, these are not Open Till 2 AM along the Interstate massages.
You would do it, too.
The massuse (masuse? Ma-Suess?) came out to get me and she was the smallest person I've ever seen. This was deceiving, because she was an uber-tough massager.
3. I have two funny stories from work, but I'm kind of concerned about writing about work, due to the fact that you can find my blog if you google my name.
3a. Not that I think people spend their free time googling my name, but you can never be too careful.
4. I went to the gym today. This is two days in a row. I never go two days in a row. Yay for me.
5. I had some KILLER soup today at Panera. Butternut Squash. So good that I actually got some to go after I was done so I can take it in my lunch tomorrow.
6. I was under the impression that there were five more weeks of school (work) until Christmas break, come to find out that there are actually only FOUR.
7. The key to being happy at work is to get a super-caffinated beverage in the morning. Then you feel kind of laughy and stupid all day. Yes, I'm drugging myself. Different strokes for different folks, people.
8. 'Strokes' is a word with weird connotations and I promise not to use it again unless there is no other option.
9. It is 9:30pm and I literally just walked in the door for the first time since I left at 6:30am this morning.
10. I have a small heater fan underneath my desk at work, and I accidentally left it on. The OCD portion of my brain, inherited from Erin, is currently insisting that it's going to inadvertently burn the entire building down.
1. Conversation I just had with my dad:
My dad (picking up the phone): "JAMBO!!"
Me: "What?"
Dad: "Jambo!"
Me: "What is Jambo?"
Dad: "It's Swahili for hello!"
Me: "Why are you speaking Swahili?"
Dad: "Because it's KWANZAA!"
Lately, my dad seems to think he's the Grand Master of Holidays. Today I got a "National Tell People at Work to go to Hell Day" e-card. I've been informed that tomorrow is National Electric Guitar Day, so please plan accordingly.
2. I had the BEST massage today. Because I'm going to the chiropractor and he prescribed massages, my insurance covers them. I get hour-long massages once a week for $6, and all I have to do is let the chiropractor crack my neck and possibly cause my entire spinal column to crumble.
And no, these are not Open Till 2 AM along the Interstate massages.
You would do it, too.
The massuse (masuse? Ma-Suess?) came out to get me and she was the smallest person I've ever seen. This was deceiving, because she was an uber-tough massager.
3. I have two funny stories from work, but I'm kind of concerned about writing about work, due to the fact that you can find my blog if you google my name.
3a. Not that I think people spend their free time googling my name, but you can never be too careful.
4. I went to the gym today. This is two days in a row. I never go two days in a row. Yay for me.
5. I had some KILLER soup today at Panera. Butternut Squash. So good that I actually got some to go after I was done so I can take it in my lunch tomorrow.
6. I was under the impression that there were five more weeks of school (work) until Christmas break, come to find out that there are actually only FOUR.
7. The key to being happy at work is to get a super-caffinated beverage in the morning. Then you feel kind of laughy and stupid all day. Yes, I'm drugging myself. Different strokes for different folks, people.
8. 'Strokes' is a word with weird connotations and I promise not to use it again unless there is no other option.
9. It is 9:30pm and I literally just walked in the door for the first time since I left at 6:30am this morning.
10. I have a small heater fan underneath my desk at work, and I accidentally left it on. The OCD portion of my brain, inherited from Erin, is currently insisting that it's going to inadvertently burn the entire building down.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
More On Music
First of all, I'd like to give a shout out to my Aunt Dawn, who I promised to say hi to two years ago and have yet to deliver.
That was bad grammar, but I'm too tired to fix it.
Let's talk about music again. Because I am the master of procrastination, I spent a good hour last night going through the ITunes Essentials mix albums listening to all the songs that were popular when I was in high school.
Remember that song "I Wanna Sex You Up"?
Of course you do. It's a contemporary classic. Our grandchildren will be singing it.
Were you aware that one of the lines in that song is:
"Girl you make me feel real good
We can do it 'til we both wake up"
Can we talk about the all the problems with that lyric?
You fell asleep?
I'm not even touching that one.
Tonight, Rob and I got new ringtones for our phones.
Rob got "Ignition Remix" by R. Kelly and is hoping it goes off in class.
I'm hoping it doesn't go off in a store when I'm standing anywhere near him.
He claims it's his (and I quote) "Anthem".
Christmas presents purchased today: 2
First of all, I'd like to give a shout out to my Aunt Dawn, who I promised to say hi to two years ago and have yet to deliver.
That was bad grammar, but I'm too tired to fix it.
Let's talk about music again. Because I am the master of procrastination, I spent a good hour last night going through the ITunes Essentials mix albums listening to all the songs that were popular when I was in high school.
Remember that song "I Wanna Sex You Up"?
Of course you do. It's a contemporary classic. Our grandchildren will be singing it.
Were you aware that one of the lines in that song is:
"Girl you make me feel real good
We can do it 'til we both wake up"
Can we talk about the all the problems with that lyric?
You fell asleep?
I'm not even touching that one.
Tonight, Rob and I got new ringtones for our phones.
Rob got "Ignition Remix" by R. Kelly and is hoping it goes off in class.
I'm hoping it doesn't go off in a store when I'm standing anywhere near him.
He claims it's his (and I quote) "Anthem".
Christmas presents purchased today: 2
Monday, November 20, 2006
If I Could Change The World
Most people, if they had access to a time machine, would go back in time and change some massive event. This is the case for me as well. If I had the chance, I would go back to the year 1991, I would walk into the room where What's His Name was composing the monumental hit "The Freshman", and I would break his pencil in half. And then, if necessary, I would eat the pencil.
That song, so very deep when you're in high school, is like freaking NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD to me now. And it's stalking me. You know "I've Got You Babe" from Groundhog's Day? That's me and The Freshmen. Leave me in peace! No more shoes full of rice!
Most people, if they had access to a time machine, would go back in time and change some massive event. This is the case for me as well. If I had the chance, I would go back to the year 1991, I would walk into the room where What's His Name was composing the monumental hit "The Freshman", and I would break his pencil in half. And then, if necessary, I would eat the pencil.
That song, so very deep when you're in high school, is like freaking NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD to me now. And it's stalking me. You know "I've Got You Babe" from Groundhog's Day? That's me and The Freshmen. Leave me in peace! No more shoes full of rice!
FYI: The Fish Dies On Pg. 95
I just finished The Old Man And The Sea.
You should have stuck it out, even though it seemed pretty lame for about the first 25 pages. The fish finally dies on pg. 95. If you want to skip to that part, I will understand.
I'll get you caught up to there with a quick sum up:
Fish.
Boy.
Fish.
Sure would like that fish.
That fish is huge.
Come on Fish.
I'm gonna kill you fish.
Bloody hands.
Fish.
How'd you like a harpoon to the head?
Got you, sucka.
Pick it up from there.
I'm just kidding, I actually really liked it. On Ernest's behalf, you have to be pretty sweet to pull off 95 pages of fish-suspense ("Fishspense", if you will) in a 125 page book.
Excellent job, Ernest. Though I still think the mojito was your most awesome accomplishment.
I just finished The Old Man And The Sea.
You should have stuck it out, even though it seemed pretty lame for about the first 25 pages. The fish finally dies on pg. 95. If you want to skip to that part, I will understand.
I'll get you caught up to there with a quick sum up:
Fish.
Boy.
Fish.
Sure would like that fish.
That fish is huge.
Come on Fish.
I'm gonna kill you fish.
Bloody hands.
Fish.
How'd you like a harpoon to the head?
Got you, sucka.
Pick it up from there.
I'm just kidding, I actually really liked it. On Ernest's behalf, you have to be pretty sweet to pull off 95 pages of fish-suspense ("Fishspense", if you will) in a 125 page book.
Excellent job, Ernest. Though I still think the mojito was your most awesome accomplishment.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Oh yeah, Ohio State? OH YEAH???
Hmm.. that was fun. For a minute there it wasn't almost like I cared about football.
We're going to the new downtown theater tonight! Yay for new theaters! Yay for Kalamazoo! Yay for downtown not being depressing and rundown anymore!
Hey, it appears as if blogger now has spell check. I guess you all won't have to suffer through 'wierd' vs. 'weird' anymore. (And it's only because of spell check that I know that the first one is incorrect. Also, 'yay' is apparently not a word or not spelled that way. Moving on..)
I went for a massage today. It was all fine and good until the end when she made me feel stupid by saying "How was everything? I didn't get much talking from you so I didn't know how it was going.", to which I say, who talks during a massage? That's the whole point!
Friday at work was great, no one was there bothering me and the day flew by. Partially because I spent a good deal of it screwing around, but not the point.
I also looked up a bunch of stuff on Wikipedia. Did you know...
Former famous resident of Bronxville:
J.F. freaking K. I LOVE J.F.K.! I have a favorite everything. Here are just a few (of my fay!-vorite things!):
Favorite Presidents: JFK and Abraham Lincoln, as well as James Monroe, our illustrious fifth president, only because I did a report on him in 3rd grade.
Favorite color: Green. No contest.
Favorite numbers: 3 and 7
Favorite volcano: Mt. Vesuvius. Naysayer Sara says "That's only because you don't know any other volcanoes", but I beg to differ because I know Mt. St. Helen and don't think nearly as highly of it.
Favorite Movies: Good Will Hunting and Garden State
Favorite Car: Though Lola Corolla is fantastic, my heart stays true to Onda-Onda the Silver Honda, which Gordita and Mini sold off without a second thought, almost as if she wasn't a member of the family.
Favorite Thanksgiving Dish: Stuffing.
Favorite Show: Lost. Want to say something bad about it? Want to fight me?
Favorite Restaurant: Used to be Lodo's. Then they got rid of the fajitas. To which I say, screw you.
Favorite Bar: The Wheel. Once, I did a cartwheel outside of the wheel and messed up my wrist.
Favorite Mode of Transportation: Train. traintraintraintraintraintraintrain.
Enough is enough.
Hmm.. that was fun. For a minute there it wasn't almost like I cared about football.
We're going to the new downtown theater tonight! Yay for new theaters! Yay for Kalamazoo! Yay for downtown not being depressing and rundown anymore!
Hey, it appears as if blogger now has spell check. I guess you all won't have to suffer through 'wierd' vs. 'weird' anymore. (And it's only because of spell check that I know that the first one is incorrect. Also, 'yay' is apparently not a word or not spelled that way. Moving on..)
I went for a massage today. It was all fine and good until the end when she made me feel stupid by saying "How was everything? I didn't get much talking from you so I didn't know how it was going.", to which I say, who talks during a massage? That's the whole point!
Friday at work was great, no one was there bothering me and the day flew by. Partially because I spent a good deal of it screwing around, but not the point.
I also looked up a bunch of stuff on Wikipedia. Did you know...
Former famous resident of Bronxville:
J.F. freaking K. I LOVE J.F.K.! I have a favorite everything. Here are just a few (of my fay!-vorite things!):
Favorite Presidents: JFK and Abraham Lincoln, as well as James Monroe, our illustrious fifth president, only because I did a report on him in 3rd grade.
Favorite color: Green. No contest.
Favorite numbers: 3 and 7
Favorite volcano: Mt. Vesuvius. Naysayer Sara says "That's only because you don't know any other volcanoes", but I beg to differ because I know Mt. St. Helen and don't think nearly as highly of it.
Favorite Movies: Good Will Hunting and Garden State
Favorite Car: Though Lola Corolla is fantastic, my heart stays true to Onda-Onda the Silver Honda, which Gordita and Mini sold off without a second thought, almost as if she wasn't a member of the family.
Favorite Thanksgiving Dish: Stuffing.
Favorite Show: Lost. Want to say something bad about it? Want to fight me?
Favorite Restaurant: Used to be Lodo's. Then they got rid of the fajitas. To which I say, screw you.
Favorite Bar: The Wheel. Once, I did a cartwheel outside of the wheel and messed up my wrist.
Favorite Mode of Transportation: Train. traintraintraintraintraintraintrain.
Enough is enough.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
On Suckiness
There are approx. 250 staff members in my building.
Me and one other person have to work on Friday. That's it. Why? Because it's a conference comp. day and secretaries don't work conferences.
The nonsensicalness of this boggles the mind.
Here will be my day on Friday:
*phone rings*
"Hello? (pause) No, they're not in today."
Rinse and repeat. All. Day. Long.
ACTUALLY, no. That won't even be my day. Because the school is CLOSED, and no one will try to call because they will think to themselves, THE SCHOOL IS CLOSED.
This is what is even more mind-boggling to me, though.
Three, count them, three people, none of whom are my boss or higher up than me, upon finding out that I have to work, have said to me "Well, that's too bad. But, you know, if you have to be here, I can find something for you to do."
What possesses a person to say such a thing?
Yes, people. It's not enough that I have to work while you have the day off, please, PLEASE!, LET ME DO YOUR FREAKING WORK FOR YOU WHILE I'M HERE.
Moving along..
Favorite work story of the week: This girl comes into my office and says "The security guards took something away from me, where do I go to get it back?"
Me: "Depends, what was it?"
What do you think it was?
Dice.
The girl was playing dice in the hallway and betting and got it taken away.
There are approx. 250 staff members in my building.
Me and one other person have to work on Friday. That's it. Why? Because it's a conference comp. day and secretaries don't work conferences.
The nonsensicalness of this boggles the mind.
Here will be my day on Friday:
*phone rings*
"Hello? (pause) No, they're not in today."
Rinse and repeat. All. Day. Long.
ACTUALLY, no. That won't even be my day. Because the school is CLOSED, and no one will try to call because they will think to themselves, THE SCHOOL IS CLOSED.
This is what is even more mind-boggling to me, though.
Three, count them, three people, none of whom are my boss or higher up than me, upon finding out that I have to work, have said to me "Well, that's too bad. But, you know, if you have to be here, I can find something for you to do."
What possesses a person to say such a thing?
Yes, people. It's not enough that I have to work while you have the day off, please, PLEASE!, LET ME DO YOUR FREAKING WORK FOR YOU WHILE I'M HERE.
Moving along..
Favorite work story of the week: This girl comes into my office and says "The security guards took something away from me, where do I go to get it back?"
Me: "Depends, what was it?"
What do you think it was?
Dice.
The girl was playing dice in the hallway and betting and got it taken away.
Friday, November 10, 2006
You know what's funny? Saying "whatevs" instead of "whatever". What's not funny is when you say it so much that it actually becomes part of your vocabulary and slips out of your mouth in regular conversation and you hear yourself saying it and think "Wow. I sound retarded. I hope they don't think I seriously use that word."
Except I do use that word.
Whatevs. It's nobody's business anyways.
Except I do use that word.
Whatevs. It's nobody's business anyways.
Have you forgotten what we were like then
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in it's mouth
It's no use worrying about time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners
The whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn't need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water
I wouldn't want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me, O
you were the best of all my days.
Frank O'Hara.
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in it's mouth
It's no use worrying about time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners
The whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn't need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water
I wouldn't want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me, O
you were the best of all my days.
Frank O'Hara.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
My Dream Job and Voting=cookies
If I could do annnnnything in the whole wide world? I would write descriptive lines for talk shows and news programs, as well as headlines for newspapers. For instance, when Oprah has a guest and the little thing pops up and says
Candy Smith
Angry Housewife
Those things come out so freaking stupid, no matter what.
I would make them stupider.
I would make them COMPLETELY irrelevant. Mine would be like
Candy Smith
Wears too much eyeliner
Candy Smith
Has a lisp
Except, the show would be about world hunger or something.
I'm a heartless bitch.
I just saw this news headline on mlive.com-
The big story?
"Some voters don't care"
Wow. Earth-shattering news. Way to get to the big story.
Which brings me to my next topic, which is that I voted non-absentee for the first time ever. Voting is fun. There were cookies there.
I wasn't going to vote, but then I remembered "Vote or Die", and I didn't want to die, so..
Just kidding, I was always going to vote. But it was kind of cool. My polling location was a retirement home and all the the workers were volunteers from the home. Me and one of the workers discussed the vote-counting machine for a while. An all-around pleasant experience.
Remember, people. Voting=cookies.
Seriously, the sad state of affairs is that if that were the slogan, voting numbers would be up. Had I know ahead of time, I would have voted twice.
If I could do annnnnything in the whole wide world? I would write descriptive lines for talk shows and news programs, as well as headlines for newspapers. For instance, when Oprah has a guest and the little thing pops up and says
Candy Smith
Angry Housewife
Those things come out so freaking stupid, no matter what.
I would make them stupider.
I would make them COMPLETELY irrelevant. Mine would be like
Candy Smith
Wears too much eyeliner
Candy Smith
Has a lisp
Except, the show would be about world hunger or something.
I'm a heartless bitch.
I just saw this news headline on mlive.com-
The big story?
"Some voters don't care"
Wow. Earth-shattering news. Way to get to the big story.
Which brings me to my next topic, which is that I voted non-absentee for the first time ever. Voting is fun. There were cookies there.
I wasn't going to vote, but then I remembered "Vote or Die", and I didn't want to die, so..
Just kidding, I was always going to vote. But it was kind of cool. My polling location was a retirement home and all the the workers were volunteers from the home. Me and one of the workers discussed the vote-counting machine for a while. An all-around pleasant experience.
Remember, people. Voting=cookies.
Seriously, the sad state of affairs is that if that were the slogan, voting numbers would be up. Had I know ahead of time, I would have voted twice.
Monday, November 06, 2006
"I Wish You Could Put Popcorn On A Sandwich", And Other Deep Thoughts By Rob MacInnis
Saturday, we're in the park because I'm taking the engagement announcement photo for Ryan and Jen. We're snapping lovely pictures beside rocks and bridges.
And Rob is behind me.
Rob is behind me, chasing the geese, yelling, "Come back here, Goose! I've got a bone to pick with you!"
Saturday, we're in the park because I'm taking the engagement announcement photo for Ryan and Jen. We're snapping lovely pictures beside rocks and bridges.
And Rob is behind me.
Rob is behind me, chasing the geese, yelling, "Come back here, Goose! I've got a bone to pick with you!"
Yes, I'm Aware, But Nonetheless...
So, I go to Beaner's today cause I had a CRAPPY day and all I want is one of those Mega-Caffeine Espresso Drinks.
I'd like to start off this story by saying that I know it's rude to talk on your phone in the drive-thru, but this was special circumstances. I didn't recognize the phone number of the person calling me, and when I picked up it was the guy from Human Resources of this job I really want, so what am I going to do at that point, hang up?
So I'm in line and I answer and I'm talking to him and then the girl comes up to the window and I hand her the money. This girl starts talking to me at MEGAPHONE VOLUME as I'm trying to talk to HR guy.
Me: Oh, great, blah blah blah
Coffee Girl: OH MY GOD THAT IS SOOOOOOOOO CUTE!!! (about my phone? I don't know.)
I keep trying to mime to her, but she keeps talking at Super-human volumes, so loudly that the guy I'm talking to stops talking because he thinks it's me talking.
Uhh!
In other news, someone save me from my job.
Next weekend is Friend Thanksgiving and I just called Jen and we're going to make Pilgrim Hats.
It's nice that someone else I know is as ridiculous as me.
So, I go to Beaner's today cause I had a CRAPPY day and all I want is one of those Mega-Caffeine Espresso Drinks.
I'd like to start off this story by saying that I know it's rude to talk on your phone in the drive-thru, but this was special circumstances. I didn't recognize the phone number of the person calling me, and when I picked up it was the guy from Human Resources of this job I really want, so what am I going to do at that point, hang up?
So I'm in line and I answer and I'm talking to him and then the girl comes up to the window and I hand her the money. This girl starts talking to me at MEGAPHONE VOLUME as I'm trying to talk to HR guy.
Me: Oh, great, blah blah blah
Coffee Girl: OH MY GOD THAT IS SOOOOOOOOO CUTE!!! (about my phone? I don't know.)
I keep trying to mime to her, but she keeps talking at Super-human volumes, so loudly that the guy I'm talking to stops talking because he thinks it's me talking.
Uhh!
In other news, someone save me from my job.
Next weekend is Friend Thanksgiving and I just called Jen and we're going to make Pilgrim Hats.
It's nice that someone else I know is as ridiculous as me.
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