Rob Says: "Laura, It Must Be Difficult Living in My Shadow."

Probably the best part of today was when I went outside to get a bottle of water from my car at work . I popped the trunk and then locked my keys in the regular part of the car. So. In the parking lot at school, I had to climb into my trunk, through my back seat and into the front seat to get my keys. It was awesome.

I do want a dog, but I'm a little afraid to get one, because having a dog seems to mean that you commune with other dog owners and ask dog questions to one another like, "Oh, what breed is he?" "How much does he weigh?" "How old is he?". You know I just don't care. I would be considered by other dog owners to be an unkind, unfriendly dog owner. And they would be right.

In the past two days I have rented two (2) HBO shows on video. Here is the verdict-
Curb Your Enthusiasm: It's funny, but I couldn't watch it for more than a few episodes. Mom, you wouldn't like it, it's about the guy who wrote Seinfeld, i.e. your arch nemesis.
Big Love: This show is AWESOME. It's about a polygamist and he and all his three wives and seven kids live together in Salt Lake City. I would go so far as to say it's fascinating.

Oh please, people. You know that Locke did not blow up that submarine. That baby is submerged somewhere. Why was John soaking wet when he walked back? You enter a submarine from the top, there's no reason he'd be wet.

I feel as if I've done a better job of being positive, or at least benign on this blog lately. And so I'm allowing myself this one pet peeve report.
You know what my pet peeve is? When people sit there and stare at you when you tell them something.
Instance:
Student: Can I go see Counselor XYZ?
Me: He's not here
Student: (blank stare. Time passes. Babies grow up. Species evolve.) Oh. I need to talk to him.
Me: You should try back tomorrow before school.
Student: Okay. Cause I need to talk to him about changing my classes.
Now, it would be one thing if at this point the student left. But the student stays there and stares at me. It's almost like they think that I'm hiding him and if they have a good enough excuse, I'll let them see him.
What I say: Okay. Come back tomorrow.
What I'm thinking: GET OUT OF HERE!!! I ALREADY TOLD YOU HE'S NOT HERE LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reasons Why Wednesday Is My Favorite Day of the Week

Most people like to spread their good stuff out over the week so they have something to look forward to every day. I like to put it all on one day so it's like SUPERDAY. I find that sometimes a small good thing cannot, on it's own, withstand the suckiness of a typical workday. However, your workday is no match for all of your fun stuff combined. Much like our friend Captain Planet. Once you combined their powers, Dr. Sludge was SOL.
My day is Wednesday. Here's all the good things about Wednesday Superday:

(1) It's halfway through the week
(2) I wear jeans to work on Wednesdays. No, it's not jeans day. It's just me.
(3) It's my day off from running.
(4) It's the day I get a massage
(5) Lost is on
(6) Lately, I've been getting fruit smoothies on Wednesdays, too.

Wednesday is chock full of happiness. Here is a small tip when making your own superday- Don't make it a weekend day. Weekends are already awesome. The awesomeness of the weekend will diminish the awesomeness of your superday.

Please feel free to comment on your own superday.

Isn't Danny cute, even when he's making stupid faces? Actually, forget I said that. That type of thing is exactly how he got spoiled in the first place.

And by the way, Danny, no, it doesn't count if you turn yourself in. Stop trying to get money out of me.

Did some excellent, excellent writing this evening about this sketchy family that used to live down the road from us. Scratch that. Their grandma used to live down the road. What the hell though, this is fiction, they lived down the road if I say they lived down the road. Everyone knows I'm a liar anyways.

Going to St. Louis in T-2.5 weeks. Going to find Nelly this time for sure. I think Lily knows his exact location. I will get it out of her even if she promised him and the St. Lunatics that she wouldn't tell.

"Laura, what do you think about Heroes being gone until April 23rd?"
Funny you should ask. I think it SUCKS.

Refer Back to This Post When You're Searching for the Root of My Gambling Addiction

I bought into the March Madness bracket pool at work. This is the most fun ever. Also, despite the fact that I have zero interest in and know nothing about basketball, I'm doing really well. Also, checking the scores gives me something to do at work. I've got Kansas beating Georgetown in the final. What's more fun than anything, though, is the one counselor I work with who is ridiculously competitive. I won't tell him who I picked. It's driving him crazy. Seriously though, he's a really nice guy, but his competitive streak is a little bit scary.

Thought while running today: What do you think Zack De La Rocha's mom is like?
I don't think Zack's mom makes cookies. Which is a shame, because cookies are good. Even revolutionaries need cookies.

Last Friday, I get this email from Dragon Lady that she's sent out to the whole school. It says "Paychecks are in! Come by and share a smile!"
First of all, gag.
Second of all, share a smile with who? Are you being facetious? Did you hire someone else to hand out checks?

My sinuses are congested.

Spring! Spring! Spring!

I have the best tree in front of my deck (see left). In a few weeks it's going to be all green and totally awesome, and when it's summer my deck won't be 10,000 degrees.

My Blogs Will Continue to Consist of Numbered Lists Until I Have Something Interesting to Talk About

Don't hold your breath.

(1) Has anyone else noticed that certain types of marinara sauce taste disturbingly similar to vomit? I don't mean that they're gross. I mean they actually taste like vomit. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I invite you to have the Baked Penne at Gallagher's, like I did last night.

(2) I'm obsessed with this song.

(3) Hooray! I ran 10 miles today! This means that I have now run the distance between Lapeer and Davison. Also, I have run the Crim.
I decided around mile 8 today, which is no place to make decisions, that I will never, EVER run a marathon because that is pure insanity. Also, if you run a marathon, I don't think you could get away from eating that Gu stuff. Have you seen this stuff? It's like an instant hit of carbs that you eat while you're running to refuel yourself. It appears to have the texture of rubber cement. No Gu, thank you. If you are immature like me, you will get great joy from saying that sentence quickly.

(4) Hooray for the consignment shop also, where I purchased two shirts, one of which was very expensive the first time it was purchased, for a mere $15.

(5) Hooray for Ryan and Jen who we will be meeting for drinks tonight at Shakespeare's.

(6) Shakespeare's website is lame. It makes it look like a fisherman's bar. No Hooray there.

(7) Rob and I are in a fight for the following reason: He says that if he were a Tyrannosaurus, he would eat me even if he loved me because he couldn't fight his natural instinct. I said if he really loved me, he would fight the natural instinct and not eat me. He refuses to say "Laura, I wouldn't eat you if I were a tyrannosaurus." Until he does, we're not speaking.

(8) Proof that my dad is a sucker (in the good way): You know how we're trying to get rid of those stupid cats? We HATE those cats. They've been around FOREVER. The other day, my mom says to herself "Could I live with myself if I took those cats to the Humane Society?" She couldn't, but at least she tried. Bridget has a growth on her neck. What does my dad do? He pays $600 to have it removed. WHY CAN'T WE LET THEM DIE?? THAT COUNTS AS NATURAL CAUSES!!!! Of course, this aspect of my dad's personality can be used to my advantage as well.

(9) Mostly though, it's used to Danny's advantage. You know the whole Survival of the Fittest thing? I think Danny's one of the fittest. Danny gets away with EVERYTHING. It's like he has a special gene that gets him things. He's clearly more evolved than me. If Danny were a tyrannosaurus, he would eat me, no need to even ask. Don't get cocky about it though, Danny, you would have freaky short arms and I'd get in a couple of jokes about it before you ate me.

(10) It's 50 degrees out. This makes me very happy.

Fergie Ferg, Amongst Other Things

(1) You know how I feel about Fergie Ferg. But all personal feelings aside, she must have the worst lyrics known to man. Also, she is always spelling things out in her songs. Why? Once, okay, but Fergie has turned into a one-trick spelling pony. I only know three Fergie songs and she spells things out in all three of them.
If I were Fergie and I wanted to try and save myself from this embarrassment, I would turn it into a joke. I would name my next album "Spelling Bee", except I would spell it "Spelling B", and the "B" could stand for.. well, "be-ah", if you will.
I'm not saying Fergie is a be-ah, but she could use it in a slangy way.
Just a suggestion.
Here is a lyric from her new song, which I heard on the way to work the other day. It instantly put me in a bad mood.

After the show or after the Grammies
I like to go cool out with the family
Sippin', reminiscing on days when I had a Mustang
And now I'm in...

If you've heard the song though, the way she sings it, it sounds like she says "Sippin', reminiscing on days when I had a mustache".

Whatever, I'm a hater.

(2) Target sells $120 irons. What does a $120 iron do? Don't they all just.. flatten things? I bought the $20 iron, but if I ever won the lottery, I think I would buy a $120 iron.
Just kidding.
If I won the lottery I would never work again, and everyone knows that if I wasn't working, I would be wearing jeans and a tshirt full time and there would be no need for an iron. Probably the same tshirt and jeans all the time. Even to weddings. And I could, because I won the lottery. I would let you, too.

(3) I ran 5 miles today, but it was slightly excruciating. I am, today, exactly halfway through my training camp. I think I am getting over the hump and things will be easier next week.

(4) Here is my Lost prediction: They are going to find Otherville while they're driving around the island in the hippie van.

(5) I'm reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, which is about writing and is quite fantastic.

(6) There's a whole story about the Red Bull truck that hit me the other day, but I am too tired to go into it. I hate it when people do that. Sorry.

Happy Bday Danny!

This weekend we had Danny's bday party. Unfortunately, Danny was in Florida, so he couldn't make it. We had a great time anyways, Danny! Great cake!

Red Bull Does Not Give You Wings

There are a few things I'd like to talk about. First of all, I was assaulted by a Red Bull truck this morning. I'm driving along next to a school bus and when the bus slows down to make a turn, guy in a Red Bull truck that's waiting to turn out from that street decides to gun it in front of the bus. Bad idea, since I am on the other side of the bus. So we hit and all, and now Lola Corolla needs stitches for her front bumper, which I am NONE too happy about, but he got the ticket, so he'll be paying for Lola Corolla's return to greatness.
Dummy.
The wierdest thing ever is when you're skidding and you're thinking to yourself, very calmly, "Hmm. I'm gonna hit that guy."

Second of all, I'd like to talk about this- Exhibit A.
Dear 80's:
Are you being serious? Do you think we don't see you, sneaking your awkwardly large bows back onto the fashion scene? No one is interested in being a child of the 80's again, thank you. Want to know what happened to the people who were popular during your time? Let's see:
Whitney: Drugged out
Paula: Judging on a lame-o show
Pee Wee: Doing time
Screech: Getting kicked out of his house
Debbie Gibson: Living under the assumed named "Debra", trying to escape her Electric Youth past
You were no good for anyone, 80s. So, take your tapered jeans and your bag-like dresses and all your freakiness and take a trip back 20-some years where you belong.

My sister had Electric Youth when we were in middle school. I myself wore "Tribe", which was cool until my school banned it because it made people break out in rashes.

There are no good movies out right now. Maybe they're saving all the good movies for spring and summer. Summer for sure, seeing as Harry Potter comes out on July 13th. It's already on my google calendar.

Catch-up Post

I've been a disgrace of a blog writer and now I have to catch up on everything-

(1) Chicago was super fun. We went to the Museum of Science and Industry, the Chicago Institute of Art, shopping (oh! Hello H&M! Long time no see!), out for Chicago-style deep dish pizza and to Second City for an improv comedy show. Here's a few highlights:

(A) We stayed in the hotel from The Shining, I swear to you. It was a really quiet old hotel (but nice), and there was barely anyone in there. One night, I go looking for a vending machine to get some bottled water (did I tell you I gave up pop and candy for Lent? No, I'm not Catholic. Nonetheless, I have not cheated once). The guy at the front desk is like, "Oh you can get some at the bar on the second floor." Bar? Up in the creaky quiet elevator I go. The door opens to the second floor. There is a freaking party going on in there. I have to walk around for a while to find the entrance, but when I do, the bar is hopping, people. It was EXACTLY like when Jack walks into the fourth of july party or whatever it was. Creepy. More disturbing, however, was the price of bottled water. In the Shining, they tell Jack his money is no good there. They did not tell me that. They told me that flipping bottle of water was $4.50!!! IT'S WATER! IT FALLS FROM THE SKY!! SCREW YOU AND YOUR $4.50!
I drank it.
(B) On the way home, the train was delayed 2.5 hours. Funny considering that the ride is only 2.5 hours long. But Rob and I are like, whatever, lets have a glass of wine from the snack car! So we did. Seriously though, you would have thought that it was the end of the freaking world. The guy in front of me says to his wife, "Go get whatever you want from the snack car. I'll put it on my credit card and then I'll send the bill to Amtrak."
I'm sure you'll be getting reimbursed for that immediately, sir.
(C) Saw American Gothic at the museum. Did you know that the women in the picture isn't the farmer's wife, it's his unmarried daughter?
(D) Rode the busses without getting lost once.
(E) Chicago is not a real city. Their cabs are not yellow.
(F) Second City was hilarious.
(G) I would put up some pictures here, except for the fact that we did not take any pictures. That will be nice when we're old and senile.

Everything non-Chicago:

(2) I'm no longer counting miles because Rob bought me a ticket to NY with all of my mile money. Either that or I completely lost track. Either way, I'm going to NY and you don't have to hear about the money anymore, Sar:)

(3) Finished my book "Grab On To Me Tightly As If I Knew the Way" on the train. The author is coming to Western to read tomorrow, so I thought I'd go. I don't think I will anymore. It was by no means a bad book. It was probably a good book. But I just didn't get into it. EXCEPT that it was set in Kalamazoo so I knew all the places he was talking about, which made me feel cool.

(4) Dear Mom and Dad: I'm coming to visit you this weekend. Please get some water going for Cream of Wheat.

(5) It's bad little Danny's bday. I didn't come up with a way to embarrass him in time, though. Which means I'll just do it on a regular day. Last year, I called a pizza parlor in E. Lansing and tried to get them to send him a pizza with "21" written out in pepperoni, but they wouldn't do it.

(6) I guess that's it for the time being.

I have a coldness disorder. I am always, always, always cold. I hate being cold. Every day I say to Rob, "Rob, is it summer yet?" and everyday Rob says "Yes."
But this is just one more fib in his ocean of lies, in which I am drowning.

Someone write that down. That was brilliant.
Row. Row, row your boat.

Tomorrow we are going to Chicago!
I'm most excited about the train ride, honestly.
Also, about staying in a hotel.
Chicago will probably be cool, too. I guess.
So far we're going to the Museum of Science and Industry and to a show at Second City.

And now I am going to bed.

Etc.

(1) John Mayer has crossed the line from very attractive to bizarre looking. When did this happen? It's a shame. A bloody shame. I blame Jessica.

(2) I like reading the newspaper on Sunday.

(3) The Others have a submarine. Chew on that, my friends.

(4) It's flipping February 18th. How did that happen?

(5) Do you know how many miles I ran yesterday morning? SEVEN. Seven miles. Without stopping.

(6) Saw Breach last night. Good. But not great. Entertaining. But not intriguing.

(7) Sara's bday is Friday, but she's going to NY, so I'm not speaking to her.

(8) My niece thinks she's the queen of slang. Tonight she told Erin that "Dinner was off the hook" Do you believe that my seven year old niece not only knows the phrase "off the hook" but can use it correctly?!?!

(9) Every story I write involves a car in some major way. I begin to wonder about this.

(10) Got in to Tin House Writer's Conference, but I can only go if I get the scholarship. But it's nice to get in, nonetheless.

(11) Bought a vacuum today.

(12) Good night and good luck.

A Story About a Robotlady and $34.25

So. Mardi Gras is... this Tuesday? Last Tuesday? Anyhow, Mardi Gras is upon us. Every week at run camp they have little themes and this week was mardi gras. Don't get me wrong, themes are cool with me and all, they're festive. So as I'm standing listening to the announcements, this lady, who apparently is part of the area running association, comes up and offers me a whole bunch of mardi gras beads.
I'm like "No, that's okay, I don't think I'll like running with those on."
She says "Are you sure?"
I say "Yeah, I'm sure."
So she's like "Well, you should at least take some and put them in your pockets."
Okay, all logic aside, logic like "why would I put mardi gras beads in my pocket?", I just don't want the beads. So I tell her I don't have any pockets. Which was a lie. You could see my pockets. She looked at me. I smiled.

Later on, we're out running. Somewhere around mile 4ish, I feel someone coming up behind me so I move over so they can pass me. But they don't pass. I look over. It's crazy bead woman. For your own personal mental picture, please note the following about this lady:
(1) She is uber-skinny
(2) Her hair is fully done and down on her shoulders
(3) She's wearing full makeup
(4) While the rest of us are bundled up in 8 layers of clothes and hats and gloves because it's 18 Fricking Degrees Outside, Bead lady is wearing running leggings and a long sleeved running shirt. That is all. No hat, no gloves.
(5) If you watch Grey's Anatomy, she looks like a super skinny version of that doctor that everyone hates because she's always hugging everyone and trying to 'heal with compassion'

Anyhow, she's running along and she looks over and says "Hi!"
Her hands are full of beads.
She says to me "You know, these beads don't really even bounce when you run!"
I pause. And then I say "....oh yeah?"
I am thinking the following things:
(1) Is this lady a crazy mutant running robot?
Evidence for: She's running outside in the bitter cold with very few clothes on, handing out beads and smiling. The smiling is what gives it away, really. There is no smiling in running.
Evidence against: none
(2) Why is this lady obsessed with me taking these beads???
My hypothesis: As a robot, she has been given an order to hand out beads and cannot carry out her order until I accept the beads.

What's probably going to happen: Bead lady is waiting for me outside my apartment security door as we speak. She is going to strangle me with mardi gras beads and stuff my face full of paczkis until I suffocate. Because no one says no to Mardi Gras. And no one says no to Robot Running Lady.

It occurs to me that I am really tired, but I'm staying up for the sole purpose of finding out if I won the Mega Millions jackpot. And this makes me sad for myself.

"I'm afraid of bears. I think owls are a waste of time." - Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert. Funniest man alive? Yes.
Money now owed to me $22.25
Great game I played on Rob: Changed his ringtone to "Foolish Games" by Jewel.
He's not laughing.
I have absolutely nothing to blog about today.

Money currently owed to me by Rob: $13.25
I am beginning to get very tired of my apartment building reeking of pot. Honestly people, I could care less if you smoke pot, but do you ever do anything else? Open a damn window.
P.S. Those candles you're burning? Not covering it up at all.

Disappointed, Not Disappointed

Disappointed:
At work, I listen to NPR. Do NOT tell my sister. I get sooo sick of hearing the same songs over and over again (103) and most of the stuff on the other station is probably a bit much for a high school guidance office, so I started listening to NPR.
I actually kind of like NPR. EXCEPT Prairie Home Companion, which I hate more than anything. That show is so far from funny. That show is like spending an hour with a really un-funny old relative.
Anyways, they were interviewing Sarah Silverman on NPR the other day because she has a new show on Comedy Central. The clip they played sounded hilariously funny, so I downloaded an episode from ITunes.
Not funny.
I was so disappointed.
This is my number one rule of comedy: Bodily functions are not humorous. Burping, farting, peeing, whatevs. They're not repulsive (most of the time), but they're also not funny.
She's too pretend-cutesy for me.

Speaking of comedians, my boss has decided that I remind her of Kathy Griffin. At first, I was seriously offended, due to the fact that Kathy Griffin looks like a drag queen. I have had some pretty bad haircuts in my life, but I don't feel as if I look like a drag queen. Anyways, she doesn't think I look like her, she thinks we tell stories the same way. I am still undecided about the whole affair.
Moving on.

Not Disappointed:
Oh, Lost. Thank god you're back. Where have you been for all this time? Nevermind, nevermind, it only matters that we're back together.

Re-united and it feeeeels so goooooooood.
Re-united cause it's un-derstoooooooood.

A Thing Or Two To Confess

(1) I do not like Sufjan Stevens. I know that I'm supposed to like him, but I do not. I like his name, does that count? I like that he writes songs about Michigan.

(2) I do, on the other hand, like Hall and Oates. What this says about me, I'm not sure.

(3) I ate the plums from the icebox

(4) Lots of times, I go to bed without washing my face.

(5) Also, from time to time, I don't brush my teeth before bed.

(6) And yet, I never, ever, go to bed without taking out my contacts

Snow, Snow and More Snow

All of you who were so upset about no snow back in December are really getting it now. Thanks a lot for that. I was totally cool with the balmy winter.
There is snow everywhere.
Yesterday there was a blizzard warning and Rob and I actually had to come home from running errands because we couldn't see a foot in front of ourselves.
In addition, the wind chill is supposed to be between -20 and -30 tomorrow.
If I don't get a snow day out of this, I swear to you...

Money currently owed to me by Rob: $10.25
I finally talked him into this arrangement where he gives me $1 for every mile I run up until the race. Also, I decided to give myself a 50 cent bonus for every time I run the entire way without stopping.
He's already trying to scam me though, naturally. Such as:
me: Buy me a hot chocolate
him: Okay. I'll buy you a hot chocolate out of the running money I owe you.

Lame. He's lucky I'm not making it retroactive.

Last night we went to the new comedy club in Kzoo, which I can't link to because it looks like someone pirated the page. Eeeeghhhrrrr!
Anyways, it was a good time.