Last night I rode a mechanical bull and stayed on for 18 seconds. That's 10 seconds longer than Luke Perry. If you want to challenge me to a ride-off, I guess I'm willing, but I think you're kidding yourself.

Rob and I just had a nice sit down dinner of chicken on top of salad. The only thing about sitting down for dinner is we don't have any chairs. Luckily, we're in the basement apartment, right across the hall from the storage area. Someone else in the house is storing their dining room table in there, so anytime we want to sit down to eat or we have company over, we just go over there and steal their chairs.

Fiction Eye for the Tough Guy

What the hell is it with the guys around here? I cannot go and sit in any type of restaurant setting without hearing someone talking about 'how they are', or hearing a sentence that starts out 'I'm the kind of guy who..'. My favorite was (overheard in a diner)
"Look, I'm the kinda guy, you make a mistake, but no one gets hurt? I'm alright with you. But you make a mistake and one of my kids gets hurt? I'm gonna stab you through the heart 24 times with a steak knife."
The whole 'i'm the kinda guy' thing, yeah, annoying. But what really concerns me is the specifics of this guy. He's not going to 'kill you', he's not going to 'punch you in the face', he's going to stab you with a steak knife 24 times in the heart. The eerie specifics of this lead me to believe one of two things- he has either
A. Sat around thinking "hmm.. someone hurts my kid, what am I gonna do? I gotta be prepared. I'm gonna stab him. But with what? How about an ice pick. Nah, probably won't be able to find one. A razor blade? Nah, not big enough. How about a steak knife? Yeah, all those serated edges, that'll hurt. And I'm gonna do it 24 times, cause that was my pops number on the pick up baseball team, and I'll be like 'yo, this one is for you, pops."
B. Actually stabbed someone, in the heart, and counted how many times he did it.

Yesterday, I overheard a first date. Painful. It made me want to get up and move to another table because I couldn't stand the awkwardness. After explaining to his date that he was "The kind of guy, who, you know, one night I'll be at home relaxing and I won't want to go anywhere, but then the next night you can call me at 2 in the mornin and be like, hey, Mike, we're in the city just gettin hammered and I'll be like "hey, I'll be on the next train*. I'm like, up for anything, I'm all over the place."
*(note- this was a retarded thing to say, since there are no trains from Bronxville to the city at 2am)
He then proceeded to tell her how he "almost got robbed this one time"
"So like, I'm up in Northern New York and I'm getting something from this convenience store by the hotel, and these two guys they come up to me by the register and they're like "Hey, you're not from around here, are you?" and I'm like "No", and then they start following me, back to the hotel, but I'm not really worried about it. And then one of them is like "Hey, aren't you afraid we're gonna rob you?" and I'm like "you wouldn't be that stupid."...pause...laugh.."they're like expecting me to be all worried and I'm like, "You wouldn't be that stupid" (he told her that part twice, for emphasis..). So then I get to the hotel and they walk in behind me and the desk clerk says "are these guys with you?" and I'm like "No, I never seen them before." and then all the sudden they're gone.

Hold up.

That's the time you almost got robbed? At what point during that story were you almost getting robbed? And seriously, the hotel clerk scared them off? They must have been seriously tough.
Here's what I'm thinking. Guy 1 needs to talk to Guy 2, give him some story/how he is pointers. Guy 2 needs some steak knives in that story if he wants some girl to go for it. Chicks dig steak knives.

There Really, REALLY, Is No Accounting For Taste

Someone bid on Rob's ugly ass coat. For years I've been telling him that I'm not going out anywhere with him if he's going to wear it. I've been singing Highway to the Danger Zone and calling him IceMan. I've been telling him to sell it for $3 in a garage sale or donate it to charity.
He says to me "No way, that's a great coat, I'll put it up on ebay, I can get like, $50 for it."
I tell him "Only if the bidder is legally blind."
Someone is paying $50 for this thing.

I was promised a high of 88 today. By 9 am it was already 90. Now, at 10:30, it's 92. The heat index is 109.

This is what I'd look like if I had bottle caps insted of eyes (and other pictures)

Holy Crap, It's Hot

According to weather.com it's 99 degrees here, with a heat index of 107. You know how you feel when you've got pasta boiling in a pot and you lean over it and get that blast of hot air in your face? It's like that, only constantly. And yet, what did I see in downtown Bronxville? Some guy out jogging. Seriously, guy, I admire your commitment to health and all, but you're going to kill yourself.

Things which are sweet-
1.There's this site, www.freecycle.org, where people post things that they no longer want and other people claim the stuff- kind of like ebay, but the rule is everything has to be free. So I got this sweet minifridge from this girl on there. We're moving in to our new offices for Student Affairs where I'll be working next year, and I'm going to put it in my office (did I mention I get my own office? OH YEAH..) and have frosty cold beverages...
2. I'm selling something on ebay right now- it's a mat cutter (for matting pictures)and I'm all excited because people are bidding on it, but I was worried because I was missing a piece. The thing I was missing was the production stop, it's this little piece of metal less than an inch long, and it's not necessary but I'm like, 'people are going to freak out and demand their money back'. What do I find when I'm cleaning out the Honda, at the bottom of the pouch on the back of the seat? Oh yes, that production stop. What are the chances that it would be there??
And lastly, the most disgusting thing I saw today-
We were on our way into the store when I notice the guy in front of us flossing. Walking through the parking lot flossing his teeth. Gross. But then, when he's done, he throws the big long string of floss on the ground. Walk ten more steps and put it in the trash can? No, thanks, I'll just throw my spit covered string on the ground here.
Now I'm going to hide in the only air conditioned room in our apartment.

Rhonda and I have one last moment together...

Eulogy To Rhonda

Oh, Rhonda. Yours was a simple life. You were so selfless, always wanting what was best for me. Always, "No, Laura, go ahead. Go inside the air conditioned house while I sit here in the driveway, baking in the sun until my leather cracks. I'll be here when you need me." Or, "No, Laura, I will spin my wheels in the snow once more for you, because you're too retarded to realize that you're making it worse."

I am sorry for the following things, Rhondito.
-I'm sorry that I didn't clean you more often. I'm sorry that your floor is covered almost completely in pennies and/or pop cans. I'm sorry for that one time I spilled ice cream in your cup holder and instead of cleaning it up, I just closed the cup holder lid and left you like that for a year, until my dad found it and pulled the cup holder out and put it through the dishwasher. What can I tell you, I'm a dirt ball.
-Sorry for that time I put you in reverse and drove you directly into Rob's house.
-Sorry for that time I was at a gas station and the guy in front of me started to back up, but instead of honking your horn I just waived my hands around and he hit you.
-Sorry that you only got a bath once a year.
-Sorry for whatever I did to your radio.
-Sorry for that time I parked you at Olde Peninsula and someone hit you and sent you flying across the parking lot.
-Sorry for letting you get broken into twice last year.

But all that aside, I loved you Rhonda. Somebody old and dead once said "We hurt the ones that we love the most", Rhonda Rhondito, so I must have loved you a whole hell of a lot. Drive off into the sunset, Rhonda. You'll have to hum to yourself or something because your radio doesn't work. Also, you probably won't get that far, because there's no gas in your tank right now, and something's wrong with your catalytic converter. Oh, and also, your check engine light is on. But you drive anyways, Rhonda. You go, girl.


R.I.P.
Rhonda Honda
1996-2005

If you were sitting here beside me at my desk in the Bursar's office you would actually be able to see my soul slowly leaving my body because this job is sucking the life out of me.
This, however, is helping to pass the time while simultaneously making a fool of me.
Damn you, Vermont! What the hell are you doing way up there by Maine?? Get back down here by Connnecticut where I put you!!
The shape of Maine reminds me of the Arby's hat or oven mit or something. I'm not sure which, but when I see Maine I think of Arby's. And I don't even like Arby's.
Rhonda's getting hauled away tomorrow and I still have to clean all of my junk out of her. I'm going to find a big dumpster, park beside it and just fling everything in there. Of course, I'll open the trunk and see things in there and go "Oh, I could use that", but seriously, that stuff has been in there for an entire year, since I moved here, and if you don't use it in a year, you probably don't need it...

This fact has never stopped me before.

Had an egg sandwich for lunch. Not too bad, not too bad.

Somehow, I run different on my left side and every time I run I build up a blister on my left big toe, one right on top of another. If you could see my big toe right now, you'd be disgusted. There's dead skin everywhere. Have a nice night.

Help me, Rhonda, Help, Help, me Rhonda...

In sad news, Rhonda Honda is closing in on her last days with me.. As of tonight she has been donated to a charitable organization that will come tow her away while I stand in the middle of the road waving my last goodbye.

She's actually still OK, but something like a muffler or a catalytic converter, something that sounds innocent enough but will end up costing me a million trillion dollars, needs to be replaced and is making her sound like a go cart. Don't get me wrong, I like go carts. But she isn't going to make it back to Michigan, anyhow, so I figure I'll donate her now while she's still running and I can get a good tax credit for her...

Tune in Friday for the special tribute blog- "Keep on Truckin': The Laura and Rhonda story." You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll realize I have too much time on my hands...

Some Kazoo Pictures

Rob's feeling confused lately. He's exploring his inner princess.








Outtakes From Visiting Rob's Grandparents

Today we visited Rob's very nice but over-90 and somewhat senile grandparents. It may have been one of the most hilarious hours of my life. Here are some conversation samples.
GP= Rob's grandpa
GM= Rob's grandma

GP: "Rob did you listen to those books on CD?"
GM: "He doesn't have time to listen to those!"
GP: "What do you mean he doesn't have time? He's on vacation!"
GM: "He doesn't have a CD player in his car"
GP: "Well, give him our car!"
GM: "Our car doesn't have a CD player"
silence. cricket cricket.
GP: "Oh."

GM: "Oh, look! Grandpa didn't get any food in his lap today!!"
awkward silence
Rob: "Uh.. good job, grandpa."

At one point I had to go in the bathroom and laugh because I couldn't control myself. It was a good time.
I chopped my hair off. I'm talking chopped like it doesn't even go to my chin anymore.

Tomorrow, when I figure out how to get pictures off of Danny's camera, I'll put up Kalamazoo pictures and a post about it. For now, bed time.