Etc.

Today around 2 in the afternoon, when we both had a million things to do, Rob and I decided to go see a movie. Why not? Shall we talk about how good Gone, Baby, Gone was? Unbelievably good. Not just an suspense movie, people. Okay, not philosophy, exactly, but a huge moral dilemma. It was fantastic.

Applied for a new job today.

Went running and decided to take Penny because I feel incredibly bad when I go and leave her at home. She doesn't get enough exercise as it is. But she's just so incredibly bad. I regretted taking her the minute we started running. First of all, she runs way faster than I do, which means that I'm not only running, I'm holding Penny back at the same time. Then she sees squirrels. She sees squirrels and starts running for them, so I pull her back, but she wont give up and I am telling you this dog is literally airborne and I'm still running. How are you supposed to run while pulling an airborne dog along?

Started working on a new story. Don't jinx it by asking me about it, because I won't tell you.

Let's Discuss the Word "Easy"

I downloaded some recipes. I thought I should start pseudo-cooking, because it's cheap and healthier. These recipes have a difficulty level on them, and I chose a bunch that said 'easy'.

My definition of easy is
(1) Eggs
(2) sandwiches
(3) going to Pita Pit and getting a chicken pita (and even that's a bit of a pain, once you drive there, stand in line, wait for your chicken to cook and go down the line of what you want in your pita).

Let me tell you what was included in my 'easy' recipe.
(1) Cleaning and cutting vegetables. Real vegetables, not frozen.
(2) Steaming the vegetables. Not in the microwave, in a steamer. I didn't even know we had a steamer until Rob showed me that our pot had a handy little steaming bucket.
(3) After that, I had to saute the vegetables
(4) Add eggs to skillet. (That I can do).
(5) THEN, broil the damn skillet in the oven.

Reasons why this is NOT an easy recipe.
(1) I had to do three different things to the vegetables
(2) I had to use three different cooking containers.
(3) I had to use the range and the stove.
(4) Anything involving steaming is not easy.

Which is why I'm having Pita Pit tonight.

People I Would Consider Leaving Rob For:

1. Stephen Colbert
2. Jim from The Office

That is all. That's pretty good, don't you think? Only two people and they're both completely unattainable. That, my friend, is love.

This is the only thing worthwhile on the internet

It makes me happy when skies are gray.

My 600th Post is About Nasty Ice Cream

I forgot to write about this. After we eat last night, we're on our way to the theatre when Rob says, "Want to get some TCBY?" Okay. If you live in Kzoo, you know that the downtown combination Subway/TCBY is nast. Really. Not cool. I'm like.. "Uhh...no." Rob wants TCBY though. When we walk in, one of the people who works there is outside on the curb smoking a cigarette. We go inside.
The ice cream cases in there look like someone got locked inside and tried to claw their way out. There are yucky smudges and stuff stuck to them. The lady comes in and Rob's like "I'd like a hot fudge sundae.
Lady: "Hold on." Opens the hot fudge container. No gloves. Peers inside. Starts scraping it off the sides. "Okay"
Puts 8 pounds of "Vanilla ice cream" (Brown vanilla? Is that like Choc-nilla?) in the container, scrapes the hot fudge off the side of the container and flicks it on top, and it looks curdled. Puts tons of whip cream on top and about a cup full of nuts. Rob hates nuts. Sticks a spoon in it.
Rob: "Thanks"
Rob then walks outside, stops in front of the trash can, throws it in there and we continue on to the theatre.
Moral: You are either Subway or you are TCBY. You are never SubBY.
Also, don't lock people in the ice cream freezer.

Once again, my childhood is a sham.

Here's what I remember: We used to go over to the Edwards' house and Mrs. Edwards made the most AWESOME Kool-Aid. It was- get THIS- Lemonade and Orange... mixed. Seriously, though, it was really good.
So, while at the grocery store this week, I thought to myself.. I'm going to make Mrs. Edwards Kool-Aid. So I did.
It's Tang.
It tastes EXACTLY like Tang.
And it's not even as good as I remember it being.

That is so fricking disappointing. I hate it when you find out that something you thought was so cool really wasn't that great. Like back in middle school, when I found out Erin wasn't as cool as I thought she was. What a blow. Though I should have seen that coming.

Tonight we went to see MacBeth at the Civic. Well, we saw half of it anyways. We got bored. Are we ADD or something? That's okay. It was pretty much done after Rob leaned over and said "McDuff looks like the guy from the Quaker Oats box" and I could no longer keep a straight face.

So. Flipping. Hilarious.

Then Buy Me a F**&ing Popsicle Already

Son: Dad, can we buy Popsicles?
Dad: Why don't we make our own at home?
Son: Yay! I want to make seltzer flavor!
Dad, sighing: Well, that would just be an ice cube.

--C-Town, Park Slope

Overheard by: Hiland

via Overheard in New York, Oct 11, 2007

Why I Own the Color Green

WHY? There's no why. I just do. Which is why I need all of you to get off of it. I knew green way back when blue and yellow were just getting together. I knew green before he made his money, so he knows he can trust me. So, when I go into Target, two days after the last time I was there, and see that all those cute green puffy vests are sold out, it ticks me off, people. It ticks me off. I wasn't going to buy one of the vests, but I know that there are about a zillion people out there now wearing the cute vest in the color that I own. What happened to blue? I thought blue was so great.
Posers.

Overheard in Target:
College-aged girl reading birthday card-
"It's your birthday, let's get loco...(dramatic pause).. I don't know what that means."

... FIGHT ON, FIGHT ON FOR WES-TERN!

Know what band is good that I forgot about? Sister Hazel. I wish they wouldn't have named themselves that, but I really enjoy their music. Particularly "Champagne High". Also, others. I like them not only because their lyrics are pretty interesting, but also because they're happy. Even when they're depressed, they're still pretty happy. Do you feel like all the songs are depressing these days? The other day we were talking about music in one of my classes and I told my students that their generation's musicians have serious daddy issues. I swear, if I hear one more song by someone who led a perfectly lovely life about how their dad ruined everything, I may go insane. No one laughed, but I'm used to that by now.

Poll:
Song that makes you cry all over yourself. Yes, I've asked this question before. Answer anyways.
Mine= The Scientist by Coldplay

Also, what's your favorite Dave Matthews song? Mine is "Lie in our Graves". My sister's is "Everyday". She cries all over herself when she hears that song.

Speaking of my sister, she had her tonsils out today, not because she had tonsilitis, but because she had some type of germiness living in her throat that was eating her tonsils. If you know my sister, this is hilarious because she is a GERMAPHOBE. It's poetic justice.

Sign of the Impending Apocolypse #1

Yesterday I was in a Hallmark store and they had those little blank journals with an inspirational quote on the front. Which is cute and all. Except the quote was from Gwen Stefani. "My life story is writing itself".
Oh, Gwen, you sage. If I hadn't seen your name below it, I would have thought Confucius said it.
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, MY LIFE STORY IS WRITING ITSELF?

So I'm obsessed with Jimmy Johns all of the sudden. Not sure where that came from.

I'm about to go teach a class for 2 hours and then I have the next 4 days off. I have been looking forward to this for way too long.

Dear State of Michigan,
Work it out.
Love, Laura

Seriously, people, do you not see the irony in the fact that you're holding out so that people don't have to pay higher taxes, but by holding out, a bunch of people aren't going to get paid at all? I'm going to go ahead and get in line for paying taxes a teensy bit higher than usual.

And why would you pass an extension? So you can not come up with a plan for 30 more days? Great. Great idea.

On another note, I suck. Yesterday, I was on the elevator and, just as the doors were closing, a girl in a wheel chair approached the elevator. Naturally, instead of acting quickly like any normal person, I just kind of stood there. I do this a lot. It's like I need that time-out super power because my brain doesn't work as fast as other peoples'. You know how this ends. The elevator doors closed before the girl could get on.
I am so retarded and horrible.
In my defense, I did hit the 'door open' button several times.
Somehow, I don't think this is going to make much of a difference when I'm sent to hell.

He Says He's Sorry

Street preacher: The day of repentment is here!
Passerby: 'Repentment' isn't a word...
Street preacher: It's the word of God.

--42nd & 5th

Overheard by: The Professor

via Overheard in New York, Sep 25, 2007

YARRRGH!

I didn't miss it this year!! Tomorrow is Talk Like A Pirate Day!!! I'm now coming up with ways that I can incorporate this into my classes tomorrow. I've been looking for a way to get rid of that very last shred of professional dignity and I think this is it.

(1) My brain works like a computer.
653-0047- Know what that is? My best friend from kindergarten's phone number. But here's the thing; I only remember it because I never updated it, as in, she never got a new phone number while we were still hanging out. If she had, I would only remember the last phone number she had.
I'm sure this is really intruiging, but I've got to move on people.

(2) Is 'kindergarten' a German word? Say it with a German accent. It sounds German to me.
Mini? My mom's like a human Rosetta Stone. I'm going to start calling her Rosetta. Maybe Rosy. She'll love that.

(3) I'm going to see Jamaica Kincaid tonight. She's a genius, maybe she'll be able to make me a genius with her genius advice.

(4) Papers I promised to return tomorrow: 10 read, 9 to go. Which would be good if I wasn't driving up to GR to see Jamaica Kincaid in about 10 seconds.

(5) My life, in minature:
Me: Rob, you left the sliding door open again
Rob: Well the ninjas have to get in some how
Me: Rob, there are no ninjas here
Rob:... Laura... don't piss them off...
Which would be funny if, the next night, he had remembered to close the sliding door when we went to bed. Not the case. I swear to you, if it happens again, there had damn well better be a ninja dozing on my couch or I'm going to fist fight Rob. And everyone knows he cries like a little girl.

(6) Heroes. One week from yesterday. Feel the power.

My inbox is drowning in emails. And none of them mention money, a high-pay low-effort job, or the desire to publish any of my stories.
On the upside, none of them mention Cialis either.

On Movies

(1) Balls of Fury.
Not really that funny. Joe was totally right when he said that all of the movies are the exact same now. What's with all of the sudden the whole "find an obscure or somewhat ridiculous sport and make it into a comedy movie" thing? Here's an example or 10:
Balls of Fury
Dodgeball
Blades of Glory
Talladega Nights

Get a new idea, people.

The one funny part was that the evil guy had a pet panda. But it was dead. Because the guy didn't know what it ate. That's right- ridiculous sports? Not funny. Dead endangered species? Funny. Please try to keep up.

(2) About some previews...

(a) Umm... have you seen the preview for the second National Treasure movie? Let's move right past the fact that the first National Treasure movie was a piece of ridiculous crap and onto this new one which is called "Book of Secrets". Yeaaaahhh.. turns out that there's a "President's Book of Secrets", which details all of the secret undercover stuff by previous presidents, such as the inside assassinations and stuff. Wow. Killer plot, guys. Is there are a heart-shaped lock on the President's Book of Secrets? Is it hidden underneath the President's mattress?
So, what do you do if you need to see the book and uncover a historical scandal?? Why, you kidnap the president to get it, of course!
STOP. WASTING. CELLULOID.
STOP PROLONGING NICOLAS CAGE'S CAREER.
In creative writing, every professor on earth tells their students to read things out loud to themselves, to hear what it sounds like. Clearly, no one read this plot outloud. Or when they were sober.

(b) I also saw a preview for Resident Evil: Apocolypse. I've never seen any of these and really have no opinion one way or another, though I know I personally would hate them. But the plot reminds me a little of the 28 days later/28 years later/28 decades later/whatever thing, which is to say: Last 20 or so people on Earth, everyone else is a zombie/vampire, have to defend themselves every waking moment.
This got me to thinking. Really. If there are only 20 or so of you left in the world, and the Earth is ruined... what are you holding out for? I'm not going to lie to you, at that point, I'd just go ahead and throw in the towel and call it a day. Is there some reason in particular that you are so adamant about continuing to live your miserable, day to day existance of living in a wasteland, fighting off zombies and watching your friends die? Go ahead and get the big Zombie kiss of death and call it quits. Clearly, there's a reason that the fate of the human race is not resting in my hands. The only thing that would change my mind about this scenario is if I, by some miracle, had access to the Presidents Book of Secrets. Everyone knows that zombies were created by the government, which means that the Presidents Book of Secrets would have the antidote to zombieism in it, and then I would turn all of my loved ones back into people.

(3) Superbad
Not as funny as I was hoping.

Hells Yeah Sea Fugitives!
You think we're going to take it anymore? You think we're gonna stand by why you eat all our fellow homosapiens? YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING!
What do we want? No more sea creature maimings!
When do we want it? Now!
And who brought you this story first, folks. That's right, lolalou.com

I just ran into Stuart Dybek at the coffee shop. Should that be more surreal than it is? As I was talking to him, I pulled the anthology I'm using in my creative writing class out of my bag and realized that one of his stories is in it. He was wearing a Franz Kafka shirt.

I like Water Street a lot, but the music is too damn loud. All the time. Also, a lot of time it's that spoken word with music in the background stuff. I'm just not that hip.

What is the name of the treaty that the US signed after World War II saying that, if there were to be another genocide like the Holocaust, we were required to step in and stop it? So far, in mentioning it to my classes, I have called it the Warsaw Pact (which it is not) and the Geneva Convention (which was... a convention, it turns out, and not a treaty of any kind). Hopefully, they are paying as little attention as they appear to be paying, and won't have even noticed.

Apparently, Ugly Is The New Fall Fashion

I'd like to talk about one of the many things that bugs me. Namely, trying to buy new clothes. What the heck is up with the new styles for fall?! They are U-G-L-Y. On Saturday, Erin Indiana and I were in Urban Outfitters. Granted, that store is always a little outside the realm of day-to-day streetwear stuff, but there are always some cute things in there. No. Do you know what they had in there? Vests. Listen, I lived through the 80s. I don't wear vests. I'm all uglyed-out. Also? Tapered jeans with zippers at the bottoms. Tapered jeans don't look good on anyone. You could weigh 98 pounds and you would still have badunka-dunk butt in tapered jeans.
But it's not just Urban Outfitters. The other day I was out to Buy Clothes, which means, "Screw it! My clothes are all old and boring! I'm buying a new wardrobe!" I walked out of Old Navy with one $10 shirt.
There are two explanations for this-
1. Everything truly is ugly.
2. I'm getting old.
For a while, I thought it was number 2, but then I saw the vests and I was off the hook.

I'd also like to discuss Audio Books.
I've been listening to a lot of them on my morning commute. Little known fact: People who do the reading on audio books? Intolerable. They ruin the whole story. Right now I'm listening to The History of Love by Nicole Krauss, which is SO GOOD, except for the fact that whoever is reading the 15 year old girl character totally misinterpreted her and made her obnoxious when she's supposed to be just kind of quirky.
It is a struggle just to keep listening.
These are the things I struggle with on a daily basis, people. But your donations can help. For just the price of a iced skim vanilla latte, you can make a difference.

Way in which I'm being a be-ah this week:
I just don't know if we're going to be getting along so well with our new neighbors. Reason being that, out of nowhere last night they start BLASTING AC/DC so loud that our walls start shaking and Penny starts freaking out. It sounded roughly like this:
"THUN-DA!! THUN-DA!! Bark! Bark! What the fu? THUN-DA!! BAAAARRRKKK!!! Squeak! (Mr. Frogowitz) THUNDA!"
They'll be none of that. Rob went over and knocked on the door, expecting a couple of college kids and... they're approximately 30. Seriously, people? He says to Rob, "Oh.. sorry Bro."
Yeah.. Bro.
As we were leaving we hear a guy and a girl running in the hall, giggling and chasing one another.
Awesome. I looked up the number for Public Safety. Seriously, don't think I won't.

This week my students are going to learn the following thing:
When it is appropriate to say 'good' and when they should actually be saying 'well' instead.
They will not be learning the proper placement of a semi-colon, unless they learn it from someone else. If they do, I hope that they'll be kind enough to pass that information along to me.

It is unacceptable to bring food- and by food I don't mean pretzels. I mean a full lunch; sandwich, orange, banana, etc- and eat it during a seminar when other people are trapped in the room, about to go out of their minds from the sound of your chewing and the yucky banana-smell of your banana. It is unacceptable. You may eat before seminars, and you may eat after seminars. If there is a break in the seminar, you are welcome to go into the hallway and enjoy your bananas.
There are no exceptions.

Less is More, Theoretically. In Actuality, Though, More is Definately More.

I'm going to start a petition to have cologne registered as a weapon or regulated as a controlled substance. It is entirely possible to asphxiate someone by wearing too much. I'm learning that as we speak. And I'm outside. This is a serious case.