Status Report

Time: 8:15pm
Time left to do my WebCt response for class: 3 hours, 45 minutes
Articles left to read: 5
Articles read: 0
Currently working on: my christmas list
Scale of 1-10, how much I hate my job: 7 with a chance of 9
Times I was told I was locin' today: 2
Classes left to take before I can teach college english and creative writing and never have to work at a high school again: 1
Number of articles left to read for that class: 5
Time left to read them: 3 hours, 37 minutes


Other Items of Note:
1. I love my google calendar. Do you have a google calendar? If you're an organization freak, you will love google calendar as much as me. Get it. Got it? Good.

2. Let's be serious. My living room is so. cute.
The problem is, I'm never home to enjoy my living room. I'm posting a picture of it here so you can enjoy it, and maybe I can make it the background on my computer at work and enjoy it from afar.

























3. Amount of money raised for our Race for the Cure on Saturday- $1635.00
Fundraising superstars. My dad will try to tell you it's all his doing, but don't listen to a word of that nonsense.

4. Hi Sara! How's it going? I keep meaning to call you this week. I could call you right now. But there's that small matter of the five articles. I will call you tomorrow. Hope your week is going fine- how was NY?

5. Happy Birthday Joe :)




















6. A few pictures from our housewarming party (just prior to when the big bald guy came and threatend our lives)





































7. (p.s. were you aware that 3 and 7 are my lucky numbers? They are.) This is the day Rob got his new speakers. I feel it's safe to say that if our house was burning down and Rob only had time to save one thing/person, I had better get myself out.

More Fun With Crazy People

Just when I thought I had reached my fun quotient for the week with puppet seminar lady yesterday.. in comes Conspiracy Theory Mom.

First thing she says to me when she walks into the office:
"Why do the students have a bar code on their ID's but staff doesn't?"
"Well, students have them so we can pull up their information quickly"
"Well, what about your information?"
"Uhhh..."

ID's. Just a small part of the communist regime of the public school system. Damn you! We don't need no education! You're just a brick in the wall!
Seriously, though, the truth is we're storing all the students thoughts on those bar codes, so we can easily access any thought crimes they may have committed.

Other manipulations afoot right there under my very nose (how could I not have noticed?):
"Are you really okay with the way schools are brainwashing kids?"
"You know those surveys they have the kids take with the ACT tests? They ask kids about their sexual orientation and then the teachers and administration read it. A teacher told me."
"I don't even want my kids going here. It's like a communist country in here. How many security guards do you have out there?"

What's funny is, if anything ever happened to her kid in school, she'd be like "Where was the security?? Why wasn't anyone there??"

Fight the power.

P.S. Highly recommended: The Last Kiss Soundtrack. Get it, I'll wait.


Do you have it yet?
What's taking so long?

P.P.S. I don't like Fiona Apple. But, I like her more than I like 'Fergie', whom I can't stand. If I was on Road Rules Challenge, I'd choose Fiona Apple over Fergie. Here's my ideal Road Rules/Real World Challenge Team

My team:
Me
Zach Braff
Erin and Danny
Lorenzo Lamas (seriously, people, he's a bounty hunter)
The Incredible Hulk
Dale Ernhardt Jr. (his fireproof gear may come in handy)
J.D. Salinger (shut up.)
John Basedow
Shakira

VS.

Gwen Stefani and Fergie Ferg

Bring it.

Awesome New Word I Learned This Week

Locin' (verb). To go crazy or freak out on someone (I think).
As in:
"Damn, Miss W.! I was just askin' a question, why you locin'?"

Now, why can't I make up words? It's like, if I went around trying to say that, people would be like "who are you kidding?" But some people, they make up a word and for some reason it sounds like it was always a word.
It's not fair. It's bunk. It's wack.
I can't even pull off words that are already words.

Gusto

I am not a master of the conversation. With people I know, whatever, it's no problem. But with people I don't know, I somehow always end up saying the exact wrong thing. Take for example, last week when I was doing staff ID pictures-

Person says to me: "Okay, now, I want to look thin and pretty in my picture"
What I say to them: "Everyone keeps asking for that, that's a lot of pressure"
What I meant: God knows. It was the first thing that came to mind.
What it sounded like: "You're fat and ugly."

Person says to me: "Try to make me not look pregnant in my picture"
What I say to them: "But you are pregnant." (WHY, GOD! WHY?!)
What I meant: She was pregnant. What do you want from me?
What it sounded like: "You look fat."

Or today, for instance:

Person says to me: "I need to pick up a student"
What I say to them: "Are you her grandmother?"
"No, I'm her mother"
What it sounded like: "You look old."

The point of all this is, I tell you what, I had a few minutes of pure genius conversationality this evening talking to the guy behind the counter at the coffee shop. It was like I was so on. I didn't call anyone fat or ugly. Coffee shop guy thought I was so funny. For a few minutes tonight, I wanted to be my own friend.
Here's how the conversation would have gone, had I decided to be my own friend:
Cool me: "Hey can I have a chai?"
Regular me: "Do you want that with skim?"
Cool me: "Nah."
Regular me: "Are you sure, whole milk is really bad for you. Oh, and by the way, you're fat and ugly. Let's just get that out of the way, cause at some point during the conversation. I'm going to unintentionally hint at it."
Cool me: "Cool."

As a side note, a student went into labor in my office today.

Hidden Proof That I Am Actually Superhuman

Hidden Trait: I can turn on the shower and pick things up with my toes
Superhuman power: Superhuman strength

Hidden Trait: I've never been pulled over by the 5-0
Superhuman power: I am actually invisible

Hidden Trait: I never remember things the way they actually happen
Superhuman power: I can read people's minds and I'm acutally remembering their memories

Hidden Trait: I can't run faster than a 10-minute mile
Superhuman power: My body is actually made of lead, ideal for stopping people in their non-superhuman tracks

Hidden Trait: I know before I open the fridge that Rob has taken the last Diet Coke and left the empty box inside
Superhuman power: X-Ray vision

Hidden Trait: I don't kill Rob for doing the above stated
Superhuman power: Superhuman self-control

Hidden Trait: I can beat Joe at Clue, anytime, anyplace- BRING IT.
Superhuman power: Superhuman criminal sensory skills

Hidden Trait: I can write an entire blog about being a superhero
Superhuman power: Superhuman time-wasting capabilities

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Want to know what one of my biggest regrets of all time is? It's pretty tame, but it bugs me nonetheless.
Not paying attention in college.
I graduated with a good GPA and all, but I totally coasted by. There is WAY MORE I could have learned, and now that I'm old and bored of guys and parties and whatever else it was I did for 5 years, I sit around thinking about how much stuff I could have learned if I had paid the slightest bit of attention to the $20,000 worth of undergraduate education I received.
Now I WANT to be in the damn classes and I can't AFFORD them any more.
DAMN YOU! This is why I should have joined the Peace Corp or something like that before I came to college.

Rob and I just got in a big fight about irony, because he's teaching his kids about irony tomorrow and he and I don't think irony are the same thing. In my opinion:

Not irony, just really bad luck: Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.
Irony: Walking in to a knife factory and finding ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

Possibly irony, but I'm not really sure: A no smoking sign on your cigarette break

And lastly, what my BFF J.D. has to say about Holden-
"The boy himself is at once too simple and too complex for us to make any final comment about him or his story. Perhaps the safest thing we can say about Holden is that he was born in the world not just strongly attracted to beauty but, almost, hopelessly impaled on it."
I'm gonna find J.D. and we're gonna get a cabin out in the woods together and roast marshmallows and hang.
Wouldn't that be ironic?
No. No, it wouldn't.

It's About Time To Post Again, But I've Got Nothing To Post About

(1) Today was the first day of school
Time the doors opened: 7am
Time the first fight broke out: 7:09am

Way to exercise that self-control, guys.

(2) Overheard in Meijer:

Girl 1: Ooh! Want to make guacamole?
Girl 2: Yeah! But, I've already got the mix at home, all we need is guacamolies.