5 Minutes Too Late...
Don't you hate it when you think of something clever to say after the fact? So I pull up to the coffee shop today, and I'm parked behind this big utility van with a sticker on it that says "A vote for Obama is a vote for Osama." Okay, listen. I don't care if you prefer McCain over Obama (well, I mean, I care, but...), but that sticker is just pure ignorance. So I go inside and I see the van leave, and then I think I totally have paper and tape in my car!! Wouldn't it have been sweet if I had made them a little homemade bumper sticker that said "I heart ignorance" and taped it up there beside their bumpersticker? They would have driven around all day before they realized it was there.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
On My Honor
1. I went to the dentist yesterday and, yet again, despite the fact that I routinely abuse my teeth, rarely floss, and drink too much coffee, I have no cavities. I swear this time that I will start taking better care of them. I will floss on a (near) daily basis. My luck is about to run out in the teeth department.
2. I could never EVER be a dental hygienist. Forget all of the hands in someone else's mouth stuff. Even worse than that. If your hands are sitting there right outside the mouth, holding the mirror and scrapy-thing, you know that you are getting nose breath on your hands. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The thought of someone nose breathing on my hands makes me want to vomit. I tried to hold my nose breathing to a minimum the entire time I was there yesterday.
3. So, as another entry into my own personal series of unfortunate events, my microwave threw in the towel yesterday. Had the damn thing for seven years, at six different apartments/houses and it chooses to give up now? Anyhow, I was looking on bestbuy.com for a new one... You know, it's been seven years since I bought one, so maybe I'm not up on things, but I happen to remember my parents buying that microwave for me for $60 at Sam's. Stupid Best Buy microwaves are like $200-$300!!! What exactly does a $300 microwave DO? Stupid thing better be a Transformer (robot in disguise) for $300! LISTEN, ALL I WANT MY MICROWAVE TO DO IS HEAT THINGS UP. Keep your robot world domination. Don't you know that microwave popcorn is one of my major food groups? I am languishing without it.
4. I got to photograph the Parcell/Stotts wedding a few weekends ago. My super duper rob-created photo gallery isn't working right now, but here are a few of my favorites:
1. I went to the dentist yesterday and, yet again, despite the fact that I routinely abuse my teeth, rarely floss, and drink too much coffee, I have no cavities. I swear this time that I will start taking better care of them. I will floss on a (near) daily basis. My luck is about to run out in the teeth department.
2. I could never EVER be a dental hygienist. Forget all of the hands in someone else's mouth stuff. Even worse than that. If your hands are sitting there right outside the mouth, holding the mirror and scrapy-thing, you know that you are getting nose breath on your hands. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The thought of someone nose breathing on my hands makes me want to vomit. I tried to hold my nose breathing to a minimum the entire time I was there yesterday.
3. So, as another entry into my own personal series of unfortunate events, my microwave threw in the towel yesterday. Had the damn thing for seven years, at six different apartments/houses and it chooses to give up now? Anyhow, I was looking on bestbuy.com for a new one... You know, it's been seven years since I bought one, so maybe I'm not up on things, but I happen to remember my parents buying that microwave for me for $60 at Sam's. Stupid Best Buy microwaves are like $200-$300!!! What exactly does a $300 microwave DO? Stupid thing better be a Transformer (robot in disguise) for $300! LISTEN, ALL I WANT MY MICROWAVE TO DO IS HEAT THINGS UP. Keep your robot world domination. Don't you know that microwave popcorn is one of my major food groups? I am languishing without it.
4. I got to photograph the Parcell/Stotts wedding a few weekends ago. My super duper rob-created photo gallery isn't working right now, but here are a few of my favorites:
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Riddle Me This
So the parking brake is supposed to be the super-strong brake, right? As in, if you're on a hill and you need extra brakes, you pull out the big guns, the parking brake.
So, if the parking brake is so strong, explain to me why I can drive all over town with it on, without even noticing. I don't think the parking brake does anything. I think it's a sham. We're all being had, people.
So the parking brake is supposed to be the super-strong brake, right? As in, if you're on a hill and you need extra brakes, you pull out the big guns, the parking brake.
So, if the parking brake is so strong, explain to me why I can drive all over town with it on, without even noticing. I don't think the parking brake does anything. I think it's a sham. We're all being had, people.
Friday, June 20, 2008
I feel as if we can be honest here. I am broke. I am broke because, last week, I was at my summer job (which mind you was a sweet gig because it filled the gap between the end of this past semester and the beginning of the coming semester almost perfectly) and my boss-like-person walked up to me and casually said "oh, hey. looks like today's going to be your last day. They cut the funding for your position."
I thought he was joking, so here's me: hahahaha.
FOOL, LAURA! FOOL!
Anyways, no job.
So today we're driving around today and it's like garage sale MANIA. I'm like "Awesome, way to taunt me, because you know I can't spend money on garage sale stuff right now."
But then I see this sign for a book sale.
Book sale! I say. I can go to a book sale! First of all, I love books. It would be fun just to look through them. Second of all, they sell used books at garage sales for about a quarter. Quarters I have. I can do quarters.
So I actually make Rob turn the car around so we can go back to the book sale.
This is a good place to remind you that my eyesight is HORRIBLE. I believe my prescription is +5.75. I bet I'm legally blind.
So, we turn around, and there's the sign for the book sale, HOORAY BOOKS!!, except that just as we're turning, I notice that it actually says block sale. No books. Only blocks.
And so we went home.
I thought he was joking, so here's me: hahahaha.
FOOL, LAURA! FOOL!
Anyways, no job.
So today we're driving around today and it's like garage sale MANIA. I'm like "Awesome, way to taunt me, because you know I can't spend money on garage sale stuff right now."
But then I see this sign for a book sale.
Book sale! I say. I can go to a book sale! First of all, I love books. It would be fun just to look through them. Second of all, they sell used books at garage sales for about a quarter. Quarters I have. I can do quarters.
So I actually make Rob turn the car around so we can go back to the book sale.
This is a good place to remind you that my eyesight is HORRIBLE. I believe my prescription is +5.75. I bet I'm legally blind.
So, we turn around, and there's the sign for the book sale, HOORAY BOOKS!!, except that just as we're turning, I notice that it actually says block sale. No books. Only blocks.
And so we went home.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
The reason I don't have any of those applications on Facebook where you can give people presents is because they're ANNOYING as all hell. It's like a gigantic tease. For instance, you can give someone a Mrs. Fields' cookie. WHO THE CRAP WANTS A PRETEND COOKIE? When you give me a pretend cookie, I get pissed off because now I want a real cookie, but it's just a MEGABYTE cookie. And you actually get excited for a split second before it registers that it isn't a real cookie. How freaking unsatisfying is that???
Participatory Blogocracy
0. Finish the following sentence in the comments section:
"The truth is..."
1. Dude. Computer is on its last leg. Need a new one. Someone send me $300. Check or money orders only. This blog is not free and it's time to pay up.
1.5 Okay, it's free.
2. WERE MOVING THE ISLAND TONIGHT. And I'm not telling you where we're moving it to. And then I'm supposed to wait until... January?
3. New job = 4 hours/day of me highlighting things. Who doesn't love highlighters? Big bonus: No one in this office talks. It's like my hermit anti-social dream come true. Soon I will discover how to turn my computer just so, so that no one can tell I'm playing Scrabulous all day. And then it will be ON, Dad.
4. My sister is ruining my life by refusing to let me blog about her job.
5. Got a new bike. Biking is hard. I would much rather run five miles than bike five miles. Running doesn't hurt my butt.
0. Finish the following sentence in the comments section:
"The truth is..."
1. Dude. Computer is on its last leg. Need a new one. Someone send me $300. Check or money orders only. This blog is not free and it's time to pay up.
1.5 Okay, it's free.
2. WERE MOVING THE ISLAND TONIGHT. And I'm not telling you where we're moving it to. And then I'm supposed to wait until... January?
3. New job = 4 hours/day of me highlighting things. Who doesn't love highlighters? Big bonus: No one in this office talks. It's like my hermit anti-social dream come true. Soon I will discover how to turn my computer just so, so that no one can tell I'm playing Scrabulous all day. And then it will be ON, Dad.
4. My sister is ruining my life by refusing to let me blog about her job.
5. Got a new bike. Biking is hard. I would much rather run five miles than bike five miles. Running doesn't hurt my butt.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Funniest Things Of My Life. This Week.
1. I never would have gone for Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but Danny told me it was good. I know to listen to Danny's funniness opinions, because they are impeccable, because I spent my whole life teaching him all that he knows. Except the science-related stuff. That stuff is boring and he learned it all on his own. Anyways, the movie was really freaking hilarious. Sometimes, it was hard to hold it together, but I did, because I was simultaneously fearing for my life. I went to see the movie at 2pm, by myself because I wasn't working. I was the only one in the theatre for a while until a middle-aged man walked in and sat a few rows up. From then on, I pictured him sneaking up behind me with a bit of rope and choking me to death, with no one to hear me scream. Luckily, it turned out he was just there to see the movie and not to kill me.
2. Stephen Colbert. again.
Particularly this:
1. I never would have gone for Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but Danny told me it was good. I know to listen to Danny's funniness opinions, because they are impeccable, because I spent my whole life teaching him all that he knows. Except the science-related stuff. That stuff is boring and he learned it all on his own. Anyways, the movie was really freaking hilarious. Sometimes, it was hard to hold it together, but I did, because I was simultaneously fearing for my life. I went to see the movie at 2pm, by myself because I wasn't working. I was the only one in the theatre for a while until a middle-aged man walked in and sat a few rows up. From then on, I pictured him sneaking up behind me with a bit of rope and choking me to death, with no one to hear me scream. Luckily, it turned out he was just there to see the movie and not to kill me.
2. Stephen Colbert. again.
Particularly this:
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Sunday, May 04, 2008
A Thing Or Five
1. To papasan or not to papasan?
The truth is, I do not think that papasan chairs are attractive in any way. But, they are the most comfortable chair on earth. And they're perfect for my sunroom. So. Papasan? No papasan? Form over function? These are the things I deal with on a daily basis.
2. I just beat my dad at Scrabulous
Now he has beat me once and I have beaten him once. The third game will tell who is more scrabtastic.
3. I worry that the rap video girls are going to have serious knee problems when they get older. I don't know if you've ever tried to 'get low', but it's very taxing on your knees. I feel as if whoever sings that song (Is that Nelly? It sounds like Nelly to me. I am so uncool.) shouldn't be promoting it.
4. I love my clothesline. So much.
5. I do not love my flowerboxes, which have failed to bloom.
1. To papasan or not to papasan?
The truth is, I do not think that papasan chairs are attractive in any way. But, they are the most comfortable chair on earth. And they're perfect for my sunroom. So. Papasan? No papasan? Form over function? These are the things I deal with on a daily basis.
2. I just beat my dad at Scrabulous
Now he has beat me once and I have beaten him once. The third game will tell who is more scrabtastic.
3. I worry that the rap video girls are going to have serious knee problems when they get older. I don't know if you've ever tried to 'get low', but it's very taxing on your knees. I feel as if whoever sings that song (Is that Nelly? It sounds like Nelly to me. I am so uncool.) shouldn't be promoting it.
4. I love my clothesline. So much.
5. I do not love my flowerboxes, which have failed to bloom.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
If You Are Famous For Nothing, You Don't Exist To Me
For example:
Heidi Montag from The Hills. Also, Lauren Conrad. Why are you famous? Why does anyone know your name?
Also:
Paris Hilton
Ryan Secrest
Rob and I can't think of any more examples, but here are the rules: From now on, you must DO something to be famous.
For example:
Act really well!
Write a book!
Sing so wonderfully it makes me want to cry.
Cure AIDS!
Negotiate peace!
I don't care. But getting 20 DUIs does not count, nor does being the call girl that a senator slept with.
Be serious.
Honestly, I'm not even being that hard on you. If you invented the Pogo Ball, I am 100% fine with you being famous. That Pogoball was fun. Who would have thought of that?
Not me.
Which is why I'm not famous.
And I'm fine with that.
For example:
Heidi Montag from The Hills. Also, Lauren Conrad. Why are you famous? Why does anyone know your name?
Also:
Paris Hilton
Ryan Secrest
Rob and I can't think of any more examples, but here are the rules: From now on, you must DO something to be famous.
For example:
Act really well!
Write a book!
Sing so wonderfully it makes me want to cry.
Cure AIDS!
Negotiate peace!
I don't care. But getting 20 DUIs does not count, nor does being the call girl that a senator slept with.
Be serious.
Honestly, I'm not even being that hard on you. If you invented the Pogo Ball, I am 100% fine with you being famous. That Pogoball was fun. Who would have thought of that?
Not me.
Which is why I'm not famous.
And I'm fine with that.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
HOLY. CRAP.
There is this poor teenage girl sitting behind me in the coffee shop who is with her dad for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. I know this because he announced it to everyone when he walked in. And he is embarrassing the HELL out of her. First of all, he is talking SO LOUD. Secondly, he's a salesman of some type and he keeps saying to the person he's talking to on the phone "Can you feel my pain sister? Can you help me out sister?". He is a middle aged caucasian male.
I feel for you, poor girl. If you want, you can come to work with me instead! Basically, what we do is check our email and write stories. And never, ever, do I say "Can you feel my pain, sister."
There is this poor teenage girl sitting behind me in the coffee shop who is with her dad for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. I know this because he announced it to everyone when he walked in. And he is embarrassing the HELL out of her. First of all, he is talking SO LOUD. Secondly, he's a salesman of some type and he keeps saying to the person he's talking to on the phone "Can you feel my pain sister? Can you help me out sister?". He is a middle aged caucasian male.
I feel for you, poor girl. If you want, you can come to work with me instead! Basically, what we do is check our email and write stories. And never, ever, do I say "Can you feel my pain, sister."
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
What Terrifies Me Is...
When people use old farming equipment for decoration by hanging gigantic sycthes on the outside of their garage. What it says to me is "DONT COME NEAR OUR HOUSE OR WERE GOING TO TORTURE YOU WITH WIERD METAL INSTRUMENTS, THEN CUT OFF YOUR HEAD WITH THE SYCTHE!"
More or less, I mean.
And I see it A LOT.
I hope those people don't have kids. Because if we had had that stuff hanging on my garage when I was a kid, I would have had a scythe straight through the middle of my head in no time.
When people use old farming equipment for decoration by hanging gigantic sycthes on the outside of their garage. What it says to me is "DONT COME NEAR OUR HOUSE OR WERE GOING TO TORTURE YOU WITH WIERD METAL INSTRUMENTS, THEN CUT OFF YOUR HEAD WITH THE SYCTHE!"
More or less, I mean.
And I see it A LOT.
I hope those people don't have kids. Because if we had had that stuff hanging on my garage when I was a kid, I would have had a scythe straight through the middle of my head in no time.
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