A Few More Things
Number of days this week I didn't get to work on time for absolutely no good reason, including today = 4 (I didn't work Monday)
Look at that, I updated every day this week except for Wednesday. Unheard of.
1. Fall = best time of year, ever.
I heart you, Fall. I love you, 60 degree weather. I love you too, pumpkins.
2. I got my hair cut yesterday, finally. I made an appointment for this place in Bronxville. I look like a boy. Seriously, I went in and told her "I want the exact same haircut, I just want it two inches shorter." What went wrong? I started to see it going very wrong when she was done cutting and started to style my hair. I made the mistake of telling her that I flip my hair up, when what I really meant was that I just kind of mess it up and make it go different directions. Imagine you're standing directly on top of a very very strong fan and, therefore, your hair is flying straight out to the sides. That's what my hair looked like when she was done. My hair was floating around my head like the rings of Saturn. What is the moral of the story? Don't give anyone new a chance. Ever. Be old and crotchity and refuse to go to anywhere but where you're used to, and walk away very, very happy.
change=bad.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Come on, I didn't even have to try to come up with something good...
So I arrive at the party. I go over the rules (ix-nay on the nudity, no lube outside the space, etc.). The hosts are really nice. At one point in time, lube actually touched me and I couldn't stop feeling icky from then on. Then the lights are turned off, they fashion themselves some fig-leaf like covers out of cardboard and wrap themselves in saran wrap. They all have these nasty umbilical-like concoctions made of wire and wax paper and they cover themselves in lube and seem to think it's amusing to hit each other with their umbilical cords. Whatever. It's wierd.
Have you ever had an idea, and you think it's going to be so great and you get everyone excited about it, but when you finally get there and you're doing what you were so excited about, you realize it really isn't that great- but then, you have to pretend it's a blast, because you've built it up so much and it would be totally embarrassing to be like "Oh. This actually isn't fun."
That's what this felt like. After 15 minutes it was like "Okay. We're wrapped in saran wrap hitting each other with fake umbilical cords. Now what?"
I was thinking, "This cannot possibly go on for 2 hours."
And it didn't.
Because after an hour, one of our naked saran wrapped friends slipped on a big puddle of root beer and fell face first into the cement floor. We called security. They called an ambulance. The saran wrap was torn off of him by his friends and replaced with boring old jeans and he was taken away in a stretcher. Naked umbilical cord boy is currently at the hospital getting stitches put into his eyebrow.
Like I always say, "It's all saran-wrappy fun and games, till someone gets a concussion."
So I arrive at the party. I go over the rules (ix-nay on the nudity, no lube outside the space, etc.). The hosts are really nice. At one point in time, lube actually touched me and I couldn't stop feeling icky from then on. Then the lights are turned off, they fashion themselves some fig-leaf like covers out of cardboard and wrap themselves in saran wrap. They all have these nasty umbilical-like concoctions made of wire and wax paper and they cover themselves in lube and seem to think it's amusing to hit each other with their umbilical cords. Whatever. It's wierd.
Have you ever had an idea, and you think it's going to be so great and you get everyone excited about it, but when you finally get there and you're doing what you were so excited about, you realize it really isn't that great- but then, you have to pretend it's a blast, because you've built it up so much and it would be totally embarrassing to be like "Oh. This actually isn't fun."
That's what this felt like. After 15 minutes it was like "Okay. We're wrapped in saran wrap hitting each other with fake umbilical cords. Now what?"
I was thinking, "This cannot possibly go on for 2 hours."
And it didn't.
Because after an hour, one of our naked saran wrapped friends slipped on a big puddle of root beer and fell face first into the cement floor. We called security. They called an ambulance. The saran wrap was torn off of him by his friends and replaced with boring old jeans and he was taken away in a stretcher. Naked umbilical cord boy is currently at the hospital getting stitches put into his eyebrow.
Like I always say, "It's all saran-wrappy fun and games, till someone gets a concussion."
Things I'm Not Amused About
This whole umbilical cord thing was funny to begin with, but now that I actually have to go to it, I'm no longer seeing the humor. Apparently the umbillical cords will be constructed out of
1. lube. they have 6-8 drums of lube.
2. saran wrap
3. fake blood
This is seriously disgusting. And they're all trying to act like they're going to walk around semi-nude. I swear to you, if I see one single naked person I am going to shut that party down and go home so fast you wont even believe it.
Also. They're going to be covered in lube. Do you know how long it's going to take the floor to get covered in lube and for someone to fall and crack their head on the floor? About 10 seconds. I don't do cracked heads. I operate on a strict no-blood or cracked body parts policy. Seriously, do I even get paid enough for this? Let me answer that for you. No.
This whole umbilical cord thing was funny to begin with, but now that I actually have to go to it, I'm no longer seeing the humor. Apparently the umbillical cords will be constructed out of
1. lube. they have 6-8 drums of lube.
2. saran wrap
3. fake blood
This is seriously disgusting. And they're all trying to act like they're going to walk around semi-nude. I swear to you, if I see one single naked person I am going to shut that party down and go home so fast you wont even believe it.
Also. They're going to be covered in lube. Do you know how long it's going to take the floor to get covered in lube and for someone to fall and crack their head on the floor? About 10 seconds. I don't do cracked heads. I operate on a strict no-blood or cracked body parts policy. Seriously, do I even get paid enough for this? Let me answer that for you. No.
Time: 7:51 in the a.m.
State of wakefullness: glasses off and contacts in, but still in p.j.'s
Number of times I've changed avatar's clothes since waking up: 4
Number of times I've had Cream of Wheat this week, including today: 5
Today is the day of blessed matrimony of Erin and Scurvis Leipold, and on this very special day, I have written for you an original piece of poetry. Inspired almost entirely by my avatar's outfit.
Baseball Love Poem in Honor of Your Anniversary
Oh, love
Your love is like a line drive to first base
When all the other guys were just
Out in left field
It's okay if you're just a short
stop
you know I love you.
Before you came along I was just running
the bases
(it's true, I had a lot of
homeruns)
But they meant nothing till you
bundted into my life, stole first base and my
heart.
Sent me a curveball of love.
Now you can't keep your mitt off of me.
Oh, and
It's just the beginning of the inning
baby
we got a lot of strikes to go
till we're
out.
Snaps, yo, snaps
State of wakefullness: glasses off and contacts in, but still in p.j.'s
Number of times I've changed avatar's clothes since waking up: 4
Number of times I've had Cream of Wheat this week, including today: 5
Today is the day of blessed matrimony of Erin and Scurvis Leipold, and on this very special day, I have written for you an original piece of poetry. Inspired almost entirely by my avatar's outfit.
Baseball Love Poem in Honor of Your Anniversary
Oh, love
Your love is like a line drive to first base
When all the other guys were just
Out in left field
It's okay if you're just a short
stop
you know I love you.
Before you came along I was just running
the bases
(it's true, I had a lot of
homeruns)
But they meant nothing till you
bundted into my life, stole first base and my
heart.
Sent me a curveball of love.
Now you can't keep your mitt off of me.
Oh, and
It's just the beginning of the inning
baby
we got a lot of strikes to go
till we're
out.
Snaps, yo, snaps
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is not the same...
So, Bronxville has this gentleman, whom I presume is a bum.
**Note- I want you all to know that I sat there for a few minutes and tried to come up with a more P.C. term than 'bum'. I couldn't think of anything.
Anyhow, he's always walking around Bronxville, or sitting on benches in front of the bar, and he has a serious case of the shakes, and kind of a crazy limp, and he wears very different clothing and he's an all-around odd looking guy. I'm not trying to be down on the guy, I'm just telling you the facts, here.
So the other day we're walking somewhere and he's coming around the corner, and Rob nods at him and says "How are you?"
Okay, admit it, you're expecting him to say something wierd, or talk in a cracked out voice, or something like that.
He says "I'm very good, thank you." In a totally non-crazy, 'I'm not a guy with the shakes' voice. Totally normal voice.
So we walk a little farther and then we turn to each other and go "What the hell was that?"
So now, I'm feeling bad, I'm thinking, "That guy isn't a bum, Laura. He just has a disorder or something. You just presume he's a bum because he has a little shakey-limpy problem."
Not a week later, we're coming out of the pizza place and there he is sitting on the bench talking to an old woman saying "Well, actually, the current administration..."
and again, I'm like, 'you're terrible, Laura'.
And then yesterday, we're walking up to the track, and there he is bent over a trash can, picking out the cans.
Can someone explain this to me?
My sister (super sleuth extraordinaire) thinks he might be Jimmy Hoffa, hiding out.
Does this not sound like a Hallmark movie? homeless man with secret past moves to town, people ridicule, people find out he is smart, man teaches town a lesson they'll never forget and in the end, the local university invites him as a lecturer and grants him an honorary degree. He stands at the podium, tears streaming down his face, as the town gives him a standing ovation, no longer so narrow-minded as to believe that we can judge people's worth based on appearance. *sigh*
So, Bronxville has this gentleman, whom I presume is a bum.
**Note- I want you all to know that I sat there for a few minutes and tried to come up with a more P.C. term than 'bum'. I couldn't think of anything.
Anyhow, he's always walking around Bronxville, or sitting on benches in front of the bar, and he has a serious case of the shakes, and kind of a crazy limp, and he wears very different clothing and he's an all-around odd looking guy. I'm not trying to be down on the guy, I'm just telling you the facts, here.
So the other day we're walking somewhere and he's coming around the corner, and Rob nods at him and says "How are you?"
Okay, admit it, you're expecting him to say something wierd, or talk in a cracked out voice, or something like that.
He says "I'm very good, thank you." In a totally non-crazy, 'I'm not a guy with the shakes' voice. Totally normal voice.
So we walk a little farther and then we turn to each other and go "What the hell was that?"
So now, I'm feeling bad, I'm thinking, "That guy isn't a bum, Laura. He just has a disorder or something. You just presume he's a bum because he has a little shakey-limpy problem."
Not a week later, we're coming out of the pizza place and there he is sitting on the bench talking to an old woman saying "Well, actually, the current administration..."
and again, I'm like, 'you're terrible, Laura'.
And then yesterday, we're walking up to the track, and there he is bent over a trash can, picking out the cans.
Can someone explain this to me?
My sister (super sleuth extraordinaire) thinks he might be Jimmy Hoffa, hiding out.
Does this not sound like a Hallmark movie? homeless man with secret past moves to town, people ridicule, people find out he is smart, man teaches town a lesson they'll never forget and in the end, the local university invites him as a lecturer and grants him an honorary degree. He stands at the podium, tears streaming down his face, as the town gives him a standing ovation, no longer so narrow-minded as to believe that we can judge people's worth based on appearance. *sigh*
Monday, September 26, 2005
Tasty Little Crackers
Have you ever had Kashi crackers?? There just these little wheat crackers, and they're really good.. except, I swear they make your breath so bad it's unreal. Even after you brush your teeth you can't get rid of the cracker breath.
Got nothing done today.
This is my "Going to watch Laguna Beach later on" outfit. Don't even act like this isn't something Kristin would wear.
Have you ever had Kashi crackers?? There just these little wheat crackers, and they're really good.. except, I swear they make your breath so bad it's unreal. Even after you brush your teeth you can't get rid of the cracker breath.
Got nothing done today.
This is my "Going to watch Laguna Beach later on" outfit. Don't even act like this isn't something Kristin would wear.
Here I go to the library! But not until I make a delicious bowl of Cream O' Wheat for breakfast...
p.s. Cute skirt, right? Yeah, I'm not wearing that. I'm wearing a sweatshirt and, right now, some workout pants, and whether or not I change into jeans before I go is a toss up. Also, I haven't done my hair like that (or at all). I do have that squirrel following me around though. Wierd.
p.s. Cute skirt, right? Yeah, I'm not wearing that. I'm wearing a sweatshirt and, right now, some workout pants, and whether or not I change into jeans before I go is a toss up. Also, I haven't done my hair like that (or at all). I do have that squirrel following me around though. Wierd.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Say Hello To My Little Friend..
The person to the right of my screen here, is my avatar. It's this thing on yahoo that Sarah told me about, where you can make a little you and then change your clothes to match. For instance, I just happen to be wearing an ice capades outfit today, so I gave my avatar person one too. Oh so fun. And I get a pet panda. You should also get an avatar. Everyone's doing it. Don't be lame.
On to other things...
TONIGHT IS THE SEASON PREMIER OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Fiiiinnallllllllllyyy...
That new neighbor better be scandalous.
And now, I am off to Union Square where Zadie Smith, my very favorite author of all time will be signing my copy of her book and then saying "You're a writer? Oh, really? Why don't you send me something you wrote and I'll give it to my publisher and make you as uber-famous and well loved and respected as I am."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Right.
Me: OHHIZADIEIJUSTLOVEYOUYOU'REMYFAVORITEAND..
Her: what's your name?
Me: OHMYNAMEISLAURAANDIJUSTFINISHEDYOUR
Her: here you go. Next?
The person to the right of my screen here, is my avatar. It's this thing on yahoo that Sarah told me about, where you can make a little you and then change your clothes to match. For instance, I just happen to be wearing an ice capades outfit today, so I gave my avatar person one too. Oh so fun. And I get a pet panda. You should also get an avatar. Everyone's doing it. Don't be lame.
On to other things...
TONIGHT IS THE SEASON PREMIER OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Fiiiinnallllllllllyyy...
That new neighbor better be scandalous.
And now, I am off to Union Square where Zadie Smith, my very favorite author of all time will be signing my copy of her book and then saying "You're a writer? Oh, really? Why don't you send me something you wrote and I'll give it to my publisher and make you as uber-famous and well loved and respected as I am."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Right.
Me: OHHIZADIEIJUSTLOVEYOUYOU'REMYFAVORITEAND..
Her: what's your name?
Me: OHMYNAMEISLAURAANDIJUSTFINISHEDYOUR
Her: here you go. Next?
Thursday, September 22, 2005
There's this site called overheardinny.com, where people write in funny things they heard people say. It's hours of entertainment. I think this is my favorite.
"I am going to learn Aramaic so Jesus can understand me."
--Central Park
Also, this..
Girl: Mom, how long do you think the turtle will live?
Mother: What do I look like, a f**king turtle connoisseur?
--Canal & West Broadway
"I am going to learn Aramaic so Jesus can understand me."
--Central Park
Also, this..
Girl: Mom, how long do you think the turtle will live?
Mother: What do I look like, a f**king turtle connoisseur?
--Canal & West Broadway
Saturday, September 17, 2005
You think you can hide??
A girl on the bus into the city today saw Lenny Kravitz crossing the street. Another girl walked past Matt Damon in the East Village. Alex sat next to Rachel Dratch on the subway, and Sara saw Al Roker.
WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN ONE SINGLE FREAKING FAMOUS PERSON?! Blossom. I've met freaking Blossom, that's my brush with fame. Oh, I'll find you famous people, you can't hide forever...
A girl on the bus into the city today saw Lenny Kravitz crossing the street. Another girl walked past Matt Damon in the East Village. Alex sat next to Rachel Dratch on the subway, and Sara saw Al Roker.
WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN ONE SINGLE FREAKING FAMOUS PERSON?! Blossom. I've met freaking Blossom, that's my brush with fame. Oh, I'll find you famous people, you can't hide forever...
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Cut the Cord!
Oh, SLC. Sometimes, it's as if you exist just so I'll have things to blog about. Yesterday, I'm talking to my boss and she's like "there's an art space party on the 25th that either you or the other GA needs to monitor". So, I volunteer, because Art Space is really easy and low key and if I do this, then the other GA has to do the next thing, which will most likely be a big party (bwahahaha!). So my boss is like, "ok". And then she starts laughing. I'm like "what?" and she says "oh, no, you already said you'd do it, you can't back out now."
They're having an "Umbilical Cord Party".
What the hell is an umbilical cord party.
Oh, let me TELL you.
They're going to make umbilical cords out of paint and goo and god knows what else, and then they're going to attach them to their stomachs and walk around like that.
Could someone explain to me why you would do that?
No, really.
I can't come up with a single reason.
THEY'RE MAKING ARTS AND CRAFTS UMBILICAL CORDS.
just in case you missed it.
Wouldn't you have loved to sit in on the art managers brainstorming meeting for that? You have got to have some serious guts to say out loud to a group of people "I know! Art umbilical cords!" and seriously think that people are going to back you up on that.
This is totally going to sick me out.
Oh, SLC. Sometimes, it's as if you exist just so I'll have things to blog about. Yesterday, I'm talking to my boss and she's like "there's an art space party on the 25th that either you or the other GA needs to monitor". So, I volunteer, because Art Space is really easy and low key and if I do this, then the other GA has to do the next thing, which will most likely be a big party (bwahahaha!). So my boss is like, "ok". And then she starts laughing. I'm like "what?" and she says "oh, no, you already said you'd do it, you can't back out now."
They're having an "Umbilical Cord Party".
What the hell is an umbilical cord party.
Oh, let me TELL you.
They're going to make umbilical cords out of paint and goo and god knows what else, and then they're going to attach them to their stomachs and walk around like that.
Could someone explain to me why you would do that?
No, really.
I can't come up with a single reason.
THEY'RE MAKING ARTS AND CRAFTS UMBILICAL CORDS.
just in case you missed it.
Wouldn't you have loved to sit in on the art managers brainstorming meeting for that? You have got to have some serious guts to say out loud to a group of people "I know! Art umbilical cords!" and seriously think that people are going to back you up on that.
This is totally going to sick me out.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Mind If I Procrastinate?
I have a story due tomorrow and the whole things done, except I need to go back through and just make small changes and tighten it up and all, but for some reason, I just can't bring myself to concentrate. So I thought I'd go ahead and procrastinate here...
Some Things-
1. I dance like a white girl.
I joined a gym tonight because I need classes, I'm bored to death of the machines. So I went to kickboxing and all was going well until the end when she decides to put some music on and do some latin dancing to end the class. I am one of the few white girls in the class, and I cannot dance like these women. I am telling you these women have some serious moves. She had us doing this hip thing, which turned into a butt thing, and I am telling you, they can move their butt as if it's independent of the rest of their body. Me? I look like I have an uncomfortable wedgie. After a while, it was just painful to see myself in the big mirror up front, so I went and got a really long drink at the water fountain. How come no one ever asks us to do the Roger Rabbit?? Seriously, I would be the envy of all...
2. Ugly Lamp
So I do this thing called freecycle, where people post things they no longer want/need and you can claim them. Some of the things are nice. Some, not so nice. This lady posted that she had a lamp, and my desk lamp just died, so I wrote back and said I wanted it. The way she described it, it sounded kind of pretty. So we drive over to pick it up and she's left it on the front porch for me in a plastic bag. We pull up in front of the house and I see the look on Rob's face. It looked like she had cleaned out her entire house and put it on the front lawn for about a million freecycle people to come pick up. Except she hadn't. There were lounge chairs in the flower beds. Like, behind the flowers. I don't get that. Anyhow, Rob's got this look on his face and I'm trying to be positive so I say "Well.. maybe they just had a garage sale recently." Rob says "Yeah, maybe they had a crap sale recently." Anyhow, the point is, the lamp is the most godforsakenly ugly thing I've ever seen. We took it out of the bag and we laughed and LAUGHED and laughed and laughed. What if I furnished an entire house with freecycle stuff? It would be the most hilarious thing ever.
3. Van
I took my van driving test today and I am officially a van driver. This means that I can take out SLC's vans and basically drive them where I want to and waste their gas instead of my own.
And now, back to the story...
I have a story due tomorrow and the whole things done, except I need to go back through and just make small changes and tighten it up and all, but for some reason, I just can't bring myself to concentrate. So I thought I'd go ahead and procrastinate here...
Some Things-
1. I dance like a white girl.
I joined a gym tonight because I need classes, I'm bored to death of the machines. So I went to kickboxing and all was going well until the end when she decides to put some music on and do some latin dancing to end the class. I am one of the few white girls in the class, and I cannot dance like these women. I am telling you these women have some serious moves. She had us doing this hip thing, which turned into a butt thing, and I am telling you, they can move their butt as if it's independent of the rest of their body. Me? I look like I have an uncomfortable wedgie. After a while, it was just painful to see myself in the big mirror up front, so I went and got a really long drink at the water fountain. How come no one ever asks us to do the Roger Rabbit?? Seriously, I would be the envy of all...
2. Ugly Lamp
So I do this thing called freecycle, where people post things they no longer want/need and you can claim them. Some of the things are nice. Some, not so nice. This lady posted that she had a lamp, and my desk lamp just died, so I wrote back and said I wanted it. The way she described it, it sounded kind of pretty. So we drive over to pick it up and she's left it on the front porch for me in a plastic bag. We pull up in front of the house and I see the look on Rob's face. It looked like she had cleaned out her entire house and put it on the front lawn for about a million freecycle people to come pick up. Except she hadn't. There were lounge chairs in the flower beds. Like, behind the flowers. I don't get that. Anyhow, Rob's got this look on his face and I'm trying to be positive so I say "Well.. maybe they just had a garage sale recently." Rob says "Yeah, maybe they had a crap sale recently." Anyhow, the point is, the lamp is the most godforsakenly ugly thing I've ever seen. We took it out of the bag and we laughed and LAUGHED and laughed and laughed. What if I furnished an entire house with freecycle stuff? It would be the most hilarious thing ever.
3. Van
I took my van driving test today and I am officially a van driver. This means that I can take out SLC's vans and basically drive them where I want to and waste their gas instead of my own.
And now, back to the story...
Monday, September 12, 2005
Who invented this brown and tan with speck linoleum that always looks dirty? It's like, designed to look dirty. I'm cleaning the kitchen here (I know, I know, amazement), and after everything's done I sweep and mop the floor and I'm scrubbing on the linoleum with the mop and after I'm all done it doesn't look a bit different because I have Imitation Dirt Linoleum.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Oh, Bronxville/Stepford Pt. 2
So, first a little backstory-
We park our car 5 minutes away from the house because Bronxville doesn't allow overnight parking on the street in the village and the parking lots are $120 a month. So, right over the bridge from us is technically not the village, so we can park overnight.
Okay, begin story-
So I get to my car this morning and there's this typed sheet of paper that says
This area is 2 hour Residential parking, not Bronxville or Commuter parking. Yonkers Parking Authority will ticket if called.
I'm sorry? What's that? Do I hear a threat?
Oh yeah, lady, I know who you are. You're the one who's always out gardening by the curb who gives me the evil eye when I park.
It would be one thing if it was really busy over there and the residents couldn't find a space, but there's TONS of parking. Besides, they all have GARAGES over there.
So I took my little note and went down to the Yonkers Police Station and asked them if it was legit where I was parking, and they're like "yeah, that's perfectly fine, that's just a resident trying to scare you." And I got the officers names, in case Hawkeye Curb Gardner wants to give me any crap about it.
Tonight I'm going to put this note on the inside of my windshield-
Dear Anonymous Note Leaver-
Thank you for your concerns about my parking. I took your note down to the Yonkers Police Department and they said that where I was parking was perfectly legal. This side of the street is neither 2 hour parking nor designated as residential. Thanks for your concern, however.
Aw yeah, Bronxville, what's up now? You wanna mess with me? I'll take you down. And THEN I'll do a little dance in you curb garden.
So, first a little backstory-
We park our car 5 minutes away from the house because Bronxville doesn't allow overnight parking on the street in the village and the parking lots are $120 a month. So, right over the bridge from us is technically not the village, so we can park overnight.
Okay, begin story-
So I get to my car this morning and there's this typed sheet of paper that says
This area is 2 hour Residential parking, not Bronxville or Commuter parking. Yonkers Parking Authority will ticket if called.
I'm sorry? What's that? Do I hear a threat?
Oh yeah, lady, I know who you are. You're the one who's always out gardening by the curb who gives me the evil eye when I park.
It would be one thing if it was really busy over there and the residents couldn't find a space, but there's TONS of parking. Besides, they all have GARAGES over there.
So I took my little note and went down to the Yonkers Police Station and asked them if it was legit where I was parking, and they're like "yeah, that's perfectly fine, that's just a resident trying to scare you." And I got the officers names, in case Hawkeye Curb Gardner wants to give me any crap about it.
Tonight I'm going to put this note on the inside of my windshield-
Dear Anonymous Note Leaver-
Thank you for your concerns about my parking. I took your note down to the Yonkers Police Department and they said that where I was parking was perfectly legal. This side of the street is neither 2 hour parking nor designated as residential. Thanks for your concern, however.
Aw yeah, Bronxville, what's up now? You wanna mess with me? I'll take you down. And THEN I'll do a little dance in you curb garden.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Oh, Stepford/Bronxville-
Tonight we went out to dinner with Sarah and Alex. As we're standing outside the Asian Bistro chatting and patiently waiting for our table, a duck flies smack into the glass window of the store next door. You'd be surprised how loud a noise a duck flying into a window makes. Anyhow, this duck is writhing in agony on the sidewalk beside us, little webby feet are flying up above him, and we've all got these horrible looks on our faces because we're watching this animal in some serious agony. If no one had been there but me, I would say that he was making these horrific lamentful quacks, but there were other people there, so I can't lie.
Anyhow, Cruella Deville in front of us however, was having none of this duck-dying business. She turns away and she's like "Could someone please.." and makes this hand motion, like, suggesting that someone kill the duck and put it out of it's flailing misery. Well, two seconds later, the duck gets up and walks away. Seriously. Why you gotta give up on the duck so easily? Why don't you give him a chance? Why you gotta send him to the big pond in the sky before it's his time? I believe in you, duck.
Tonight we went out to dinner with Sarah and Alex. As we're standing outside the Asian Bistro chatting and patiently waiting for our table, a duck flies smack into the glass window of the store next door. You'd be surprised how loud a noise a duck flying into a window makes. Anyhow, this duck is writhing in agony on the sidewalk beside us, little webby feet are flying up above him, and we've all got these horrible looks on our faces because we're watching this animal in some serious agony. If no one had been there but me, I would say that he was making these horrific lamentful quacks, but there were other people there, so I can't lie.
Anyhow, Cruella Deville in front of us however, was having none of this duck-dying business. She turns away and she's like "Could someone please.." and makes this hand motion, like, suggesting that someone kill the duck and put it out of it's flailing misery. Well, two seconds later, the duck gets up and walks away. Seriously. Why you gotta give up on the duck so easily? Why don't you give him a chance? Why you gotta send him to the big pond in the sky before it's his time? I believe in you, duck.
Monday, September 05, 2005
I think this is what it would be like to grocery shop on acid...
We went to the scariest place ever yesterday. We barely made it out alive. So there's this 'grocery store' (I use the term loosely) that we drive by all the time, but it's like, way up on the hill and I just see the sign. But yesterday I bought this wine holder thing for the fridge, and I wanted to try it out, but for some reason, you cannot find wine anywhere around us after like, 7pm, but I knew this place had a wine area. So I say "Let's Go."
It was like, Grocery Store Disney Land. First of all, there are people EVERYWHERE. On the outside portion, it's all local food, as well as a snack bar that serves full dinners as well as hotdogs, hamburgers, ice cream, clam chowder.
Whatever, fine.
So we go inside. The place is not set up like a grocery store where there are aisles right next to one another. It's a maze. You have to go through the entire thing to get out, and if you forget something, you have to walk all the way back to the beginning. The first thing that bothers me- the 10 foot singing Chiquita Banana dis
play. But, I'm thinking, "oh, this is this place's big draw, people come here for the dancing banana."
No.
As I came to the milk section, there was a giant cow mooing above us. In the water section there was a 10 foot pine tree that sang "Sip, sip, sip. Glug, glug, glug. I love water, now give me a hug!" Halfway through the store a giant straw shack is built- it says 'sushi' above the door and all the foods from around the world are in there. There was a band of Bears playing Banjos above the salad bar and a electric train flying above the check out line.
So I was almost done, but all I needed was a can of cream corn for the corn chowder we were making. At this point I realize I haven't seen a single can of anything the entire time I've been there, and I know I'm in trouble, but I decide to ask anyways. So I find the info lady and I'm like "Is there any canned corn here?" and she gives me this laugh and she's like "Oh, no! There's nothing in cans here! This is all Farm Fresh Foods!"
Which is cool, except when you need something in a can.
What, like I'm going to cream the damn corn myself? I'm thinking no.
We went to the scariest place ever yesterday. We barely made it out alive. So there's this 'grocery store' (I use the term loosely) that we drive by all the time, but it's like, way up on the hill and I just see the sign. But yesterday I bought this wine holder thing for the fridge, and I wanted to try it out, but for some reason, you cannot find wine anywhere around us after like, 7pm, but I knew this place had a wine area. So I say "Let's Go."
It was like, Grocery Store Disney Land. First of all, there are people EVERYWHERE. On the outside portion, it's all local food, as well as a snack bar that serves full dinners as well as hotdogs, hamburgers, ice cream, clam chowder.
Whatever, fine.
So we go inside. The place is not set up like a grocery store where there are aisles right next to one another. It's a maze. You have to go through the entire thing to get out, and if you forget something, you have to walk all the way back to the beginning. The first thing that bothers me- the 10 foot singing Chiquita Banana dis
play. But, I'm thinking, "oh, this is this place's big draw, people come here for the dancing banana."
No.
As I came to the milk section, there was a giant cow mooing above us. In the water section there was a 10 foot pine tree that sang "Sip, sip, sip. Glug, glug, glug. I love water, now give me a hug!" Halfway through the store a giant straw shack is built- it says 'sushi' above the door and all the foods from around the world are in there. There was a band of Bears playing Banjos above the salad bar and a electric train flying above the check out line.
So I was almost done, but all I needed was a can of cream corn for the corn chowder we were making. At this point I realize I haven't seen a single can of anything the entire time I've been there, and I know I'm in trouble, but I decide to ask anyways. So I find the info lady and I'm like "Is there any canned corn here?" and she gives me this laugh and she's like "Oh, no! There's nothing in cans here! This is all Farm Fresh Foods!"
Which is cool, except when you need something in a can.
What, like I'm going to cream the damn corn myself? I'm thinking no.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Our House, Is a Veryveryvery Loud House.
Don't get me wrong, I love our new place. Really really love it. But there are these two things-
1. Whoever the hell lives above us...
Is the loudest damn family known to man. I'm not talking, oh, the walls are thin and you can hear them talking. I never hear any voices. Footsteps. The kids, who I've never seen, run back and forth, back and forth, in a room that must be no larger than 15ft. Back and forth, Back and forth. But it doesn't just sound like running. Rob thinks maybe they have a WWF ring up there. Seriously, it's the loudest thing known to man. The kids aren't so much what bothers me though. There is a lady (who I've never seen) in high heels up there. Clip clop clip clop. But not exactly like that. Imagine the clip clop, and then imagine that it was like (following the WWF Family theme) Hulk Hogan in cement high heels. And always at like, 6am. Yesterday I woke up to her clipclop madness and told Rob I wanted to pierce my skull with her high heel if it would just make it all go away... My real question is PEOPLE, WHERE ARE YOU ALL WALKING TO? YOUR APARTMENT IS NO BIGGER THAN MINE!! THERE IS NO NEED FOR ALL THIS WALKING!! WE HAVE A BACKYARD, CHILDREN! RUN THERE!! which leads me to my second problem...
2) Where the hell are all these people??
There are 7 apartments in our building. One is ours, one is this really nice family that we talk to sometimes, and one is BatBoy and his friend. That means that there are four other families (including Wrestlemania Family) that I have never seen before. I've lived here for two months now!! Where the heck are all these families?? It really wierds me out that they're holed up in their apartment and never come out, how is it possible that we've never passed them coming in or out or anything?? The really nice family has 2 super cute kids who are always playing in the front yard, why don't the wrestlemania kids play too?
It's all way too wierd.
Don't get me wrong, I love our new place. Really really love it. But there are these two things-
1. Whoever the hell lives above us...
Is the loudest damn family known to man. I'm not talking, oh, the walls are thin and you can hear them talking. I never hear any voices. Footsteps. The kids, who I've never seen, run back and forth, back and forth, in a room that must be no larger than 15ft. Back and forth, Back and forth. But it doesn't just sound like running. Rob thinks maybe they have a WWF ring up there. Seriously, it's the loudest thing known to man. The kids aren't so much what bothers me though. There is a lady (who I've never seen) in high heels up there. Clip clop clip clop. But not exactly like that. Imagine the clip clop, and then imagine that it was like (following the WWF Family theme) Hulk Hogan in cement high heels. And always at like, 6am. Yesterday I woke up to her clipclop madness and told Rob I wanted to pierce my skull with her high heel if it would just make it all go away... My real question is PEOPLE, WHERE ARE YOU ALL WALKING TO? YOUR APARTMENT IS NO BIGGER THAN MINE!! THERE IS NO NEED FOR ALL THIS WALKING!! WE HAVE A BACKYARD, CHILDREN! RUN THERE!! which leads me to my second problem...
2) Where the hell are all these people??
There are 7 apartments in our building. One is ours, one is this really nice family that we talk to sometimes, and one is BatBoy and his friend. That means that there are four other families (including Wrestlemania Family) that I have never seen before. I've lived here for two months now!! Where the heck are all these families?? It really wierds me out that they're holed up in their apartment and never come out, how is it possible that we've never passed them coming in or out or anything?? The really nice family has 2 super cute kids who are always playing in the front yard, why don't the wrestlemania kids play too?
It's all way too wierd.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Dear Campus Cafeteria-
Okay, listen, about the pizza. Enough already. There are other things in the world to serve besides pizza. Zillions of things. How about a little pasta salad? Pasta salad is good! Or maybe a decent looking salad (what's that? No, no, I said decent looking)? Do you know what I had today instead of the pizza? A cheese sandwich. I thought it was turkey with cheese, but then I opened it up and it turns out it's just like, 10 slices of cheese on bread. And then I though to myself, "Hmm.. cheese on bread, what does this remind me of? Oh, yeah, PIZZA. Whatever. I challenge you to make something that doesn't contain cheese or bread.
Thanks,
Laura
P.S. Hey! you know when you take the pizza and you put it on a bagel instead of regular crust?? Yeah, that's still pizza.
Okay, listen, about the pizza. Enough already. There are other things in the world to serve besides pizza. Zillions of things. How about a little pasta salad? Pasta salad is good! Or maybe a decent looking salad (what's that? No, no, I said decent looking)? Do you know what I had today instead of the pizza? A cheese sandwich. I thought it was turkey with cheese, but then I opened it up and it turns out it's just like, 10 slices of cheese on bread. And then I though to myself, "Hmm.. cheese on bread, what does this remind me of? Oh, yeah, PIZZA. Whatever. I challenge you to make something that doesn't contain cheese or bread.
Thanks,
Laura
P.S. Hey! you know when you take the pizza and you put it on a bagel instead of regular crust?? Yeah, that's still pizza.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)
