Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Match Maker, Match Maker...
Today, I got to match up roommates for the incoming freshman class. When I was a freshman, I thought they had these big elaborate processes for matching up roommates. Like, a database or something where you put in all the info and tells you who will go best with who. Yeah right. They pay attention to if they're smokers and if they like to stay up late. After that, they handed me big piles and said "Here, match people up". I am pretty sure I just matched up some life-long friends, though. For instance, the two "I Heart Japanese culture" girls. Japanese culture is cool and all, but for two people to love it enough (neither of whom were actually Japanese) to spend space on the precious two lines you get for "interests"? That, my friends, was fate. These girls were MEANT to room together. So what did I do? I, the hand of fate, matched them up in a cozy little triple with a girl who was interested in other cultures (why not Japanese cultures!?!). Say it with me now. Life. Long. Friends. In ten years, these girls will all be living in Japan together. Wearing I Heart Laura shirts.
Happiness. I am the bringer of Happiness.
Also, there was a girl who said "I'm a practicing Muslim and I need to pray and fast." So, I searched high and low for another practicing Muslim. And now they will be happy happy friends.
There were times, however, that I was tempted to ruin people's first year of college. For instance the girl who said "I grew up in the East Village and I prefer a hip environment." Yeah, I almost hooked her up with Anime girl and the girl who said "My interests are vintage clothing and world peace".
But I didn't.
Because I am the bringer of Happiness.
Today, I got to match up roommates for the incoming freshman class. When I was a freshman, I thought they had these big elaborate processes for matching up roommates. Like, a database or something where you put in all the info and tells you who will go best with who. Yeah right. They pay attention to if they're smokers and if they like to stay up late. After that, they handed me big piles and said "Here, match people up". I am pretty sure I just matched up some life-long friends, though. For instance, the two "I Heart Japanese culture" girls. Japanese culture is cool and all, but for two people to love it enough (neither of whom were actually Japanese) to spend space on the precious two lines you get for "interests"? That, my friends, was fate. These girls were MEANT to room together. So what did I do? I, the hand of fate, matched them up in a cozy little triple with a girl who was interested in other cultures (why not Japanese cultures!?!). Say it with me now. Life. Long. Friends. In ten years, these girls will all be living in Japan together. Wearing I Heart Laura shirts.
Happiness. I am the bringer of Happiness.
Also, there was a girl who said "I'm a practicing Muslim and I need to pray and fast." So, I searched high and low for another practicing Muslim. And now they will be happy happy friends.
There were times, however, that I was tempted to ruin people's first year of college. For instance the girl who said "I grew up in the East Village and I prefer a hip environment." Yeah, I almost hooked her up with Anime girl and the girl who said "My interests are vintage clothing and world peace".
But I didn't.
Because I am the bringer of Happiness.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Living With Rob
On walking through the rain for 18 blocks...
Rob: How much farther?
Me: Not much farther
Rob: Riiiggghhhttt.. Like Trail of Tears not much farther or for real not far?
On me throwing out his COMPLETELY DEAD bamboo plant...
Rob: WHY DID YOU THROW IT OUT???
Me: Rob. It was dead.
Rob: How do you know it was dead?
Me: It was yellow and flaky.
Rob:....Maybe it was resting.
On walking through the rain for 18 blocks...
Rob: How much farther?
Me: Not much farther
Rob: Riiiggghhhttt.. Like Trail of Tears not much farther or for real not far?
On me throwing out his COMPLETELY DEAD bamboo plant...
Rob: WHY DID YOU THROW IT OUT???
Me: Rob. It was dead.
Rob: How do you know it was dead?
Me: It was yellow and flaky.
Rob:....Maybe it was resting.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The Downfall of Civilization or Rocketpops
Today while in the grocery store I said to myself, "Self, don't you think some of those wonderful red, white and blue rocket popsicles would be lovely?" I did, so I went looking for them.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ROCKET POPS?
After five minutes of looking, I managed to locate one lonely box of them at the back of my grocer's freezer. Do you know what they've done to the rest of the Rocket Pops? They SEPERATED THEM. As in, buy a 12 pack and you get 4 red, 4 white and 4 blue. No more mixing of the red, whites and blues. No more cherry running into the lemonade.
Listen up, popsicle barons, Rocket Pops are an INSTITUTION. If people cant HANDLE the trifecta of flavor, they can just go get some wussy regular popsicles. Don't you mess up my popsicles just for a couple of lame-os who are all like "Oh no! I'm allergic to lemonade! Oh no! I prefer one flavor at a time!"
If you can't run with the big popsicles, stay out of the freezer.
Today while in the grocery store I said to myself, "Self, don't you think some of those wonderful red, white and blue rocket popsicles would be lovely?" I did, so I went looking for them.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ROCKET POPS?
After five minutes of looking, I managed to locate one lonely box of them at the back of my grocer's freezer. Do you know what they've done to the rest of the Rocket Pops? They SEPERATED THEM. As in, buy a 12 pack and you get 4 red, 4 white and 4 blue. No more mixing of the red, whites and blues. No more cherry running into the lemonade.
Listen up, popsicle barons, Rocket Pops are an INSTITUTION. If people cant HANDLE the trifecta of flavor, they can just go get some wussy regular popsicles. Don't you mess up my popsicles just for a couple of lame-os who are all like "Oh no! I'm allergic to lemonade! Oh no! I prefer one flavor at a time!"
If you can't run with the big popsicles, stay out of the freezer.
Monday, June 19, 2006
How I Know I'm Not Really an Animal Lover (and that I am a heartless bitch)
One of my favorite stories of all time is the time Sara and I went to a concert and outside the concert they have the booths where you can adopt a child/support a child. We're looking over the pictures and all the sudden Sara gets this look on her face and goes "Oh, I'm adopting this girl." So, I'm like "Why that one?" and Sara's like "Look at her! No one else is going to adopt her! She doesn't have any hair!" So Sara adopts this girl.
So, the other day I'm looking on Petfinder.com, because Rob and I want to adopt a Jack Russell Terrier. I'm looking and there are some that are not so cute and some that need surgery and some that say URGENT! beside them because if someone doesn't adopt them soon.. well, you know (Sara's going to get upset with me in 10 seconds...)
So I say to myself "Laura, if Sara were here, she would adopt the one that needed the most help."
I found the cutest one and I bookmarked it.
I'm just not sure I could live with an ugly dog. There are some Jack Russells that have this long hair on their face and it just CREEPS ME RIGHT OUT, and there are some with mean eyes, and, let's be serious, I just want Eddie from Frasier.
There, it's out there, I'm superficial and evil.
Rob keeps saying "We'll know which dog to get when we go to the pound and we just totally fall in love with one of them", and what I'm thinking is "I don't know what you're talking about, I'm getting the cute one off of Petfinder"
Sorry, Sar :(
One of my favorite stories of all time is the time Sara and I went to a concert and outside the concert they have the booths where you can adopt a child/support a child. We're looking over the pictures and all the sudden Sara gets this look on her face and goes "Oh, I'm adopting this girl." So, I'm like "Why that one?" and Sara's like "Look at her! No one else is going to adopt her! She doesn't have any hair!" So Sara adopts this girl.
So, the other day I'm looking on Petfinder.com, because Rob and I want to adopt a Jack Russell Terrier. I'm looking and there are some that are not so cute and some that need surgery and some that say URGENT! beside them because if someone doesn't adopt them soon.. well, you know (Sara's going to get upset with me in 10 seconds...)
So I say to myself "Laura, if Sara were here, she would adopt the one that needed the most help."
I found the cutest one and I bookmarked it.
I'm just not sure I could live with an ugly dog. There are some Jack Russells that have this long hair on their face and it just CREEPS ME RIGHT OUT, and there are some with mean eyes, and, let's be serious, I just want Eddie from Frasier.
There, it's out there, I'm superficial and evil.
Rob keeps saying "We'll know which dog to get when we go to the pound and we just totally fall in love with one of them", and what I'm thinking is "I don't know what you're talking about, I'm getting the cute one off of Petfinder"
Sorry, Sar :(
I fought an old man and.. the old man won.
Here's me on Saturday: There's a Farmer's Market a block from my house, so I thought I'd hang up a yard sale sign so all the people coming out of the f.m. would know it was there- I get done tacking it up and I'm walking away when this elderly gentleman yells "Excuse me" to me-
Me: Yeah? (with a smile on my face, because I think he's about to ask me where the yard sale is and I'm prepared to give him directions)
Him: Do you have a permit to put that sign up?
Me: I don't think you need a permit for a garage sale sign
Him: Well, those signs are illegal and I don't appreciate them in my neighborhood
(Note to reader: His 'neighborhood' consists of a parking lot and baseball field. There's not a damn house in sight)
Me: Well, I don't think it's a big deal as long as I take them down at the end of the day
Him: Well, I'm going to call the police and see what they have to say about that.
So what do I do? Do I tell him to take his snobby butt and call the police? No. I take it down because I am a freaking CHICKEN. C-H-I-C-K-E-N.
And then I go home and come up with about 20 sarcastic things I could have said to him. Because god forbid I come up with something snappy when I have the chance to actually say it to someone.
Way to fight crime in the neighborhood buddy. Way to tell those sign-hangers where to go.
And the funny thing is, when I went home, I called the damn police MYSELF and what do they say "Oh, as long as you take them down at the end of the day, it's not a big deal."
I'm going to go find that guy and I'm going to tack up about 20 signs on the telephone pole nearest to his house and one of them's going to say HEY YOU. YEAH YOU, YOU SUCK.
Here's me on Saturday: There's a Farmer's Market a block from my house, so I thought I'd hang up a yard sale sign so all the people coming out of the f.m. would know it was there- I get done tacking it up and I'm walking away when this elderly gentleman yells "Excuse me" to me-
Me: Yeah? (with a smile on my face, because I think he's about to ask me where the yard sale is and I'm prepared to give him directions)
Him: Do you have a permit to put that sign up?
Me: I don't think you need a permit for a garage sale sign
Him: Well, those signs are illegal and I don't appreciate them in my neighborhood
(Note to reader: His 'neighborhood' consists of a parking lot and baseball field. There's not a damn house in sight)
Me: Well, I don't think it's a big deal as long as I take them down at the end of the day
Him: Well, I'm going to call the police and see what they have to say about that.
So what do I do? Do I tell him to take his snobby butt and call the police? No. I take it down because I am a freaking CHICKEN. C-H-I-C-K-E-N.
And then I go home and come up with about 20 sarcastic things I could have said to him. Because god forbid I come up with something snappy when I have the chance to actually say it to someone.
Way to fight crime in the neighborhood buddy. Way to tell those sign-hangers where to go.
And the funny thing is, when I went home, I called the damn police MYSELF and what do they say "Oh, as long as you take them down at the end of the day, it's not a big deal."
I'm going to go find that guy and I'm going to tack up about 20 signs on the telephone pole nearest to his house and one of them's going to say HEY YOU. YEAH YOU, YOU SUCK.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
Them's Fighting Words
Today I feel like fighting someone.
Reasons:
1. Today this kid was so rude to me. I couldn't stand him to begin with and then he was rude and so I was rude back. I don't think he got the hint.
2. I mailed back my Netflix movies on Thursday. Every single time I mail them back, I get an email the very next morning saying that they've arrived. The Netflix place that my movies come from is 20 min. by car. So anyways, this time I mailed them from the campus post office, which is notorious for being shady. Guess what, 4 days later my movies still haven't gotten there. So I call up the post office.
Me: "Hi, I mailed my Netflix movies from there on Thursday and they usually only take one day to get there and they still haven't shown up."
Him: "One day? Nothing only takes one day."
Me: "Well, they're still not there."
Him: "I retired from the US Postal Service, and I can tell you, nothing takes one day."
Me: "Okay, well, it's been four days"
Him: "Well, you're not counting, Sunday, right?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Well, nothing takes one day."
Hold on a second.
Is this thing on? Can you hear me?
IT'S BEEN FOUR FREAKING DAYS, BUDDY.
3. The kids on this campus drive me crazy. Some friends of mine are working the special conferences this summer, and it's their job to stand by the food and make sure only program participants, who have paid for their food, eat it. One of the summer worker kids comes up to get food and my friend says to him "You can't eat this food, it's only for program participants."
What do you think the kid says to her? "Oh, okay"? No. The kid says "F$%k you", and proceeds to pile himself a whole plate of food and walk away.
Seriously?
SERIOUSLY?
Sometimes, I practice telling people off in my head. I came up with the best speech ever for that kid. It involves me lying about what my job is on campus and threatening to have him fired. I hope I run into that kid.
Last week, for reunion, they stole an entire CASE of wine. Not a glass. Not a bottle. 12 BOTTLES OF WINE.
Yeah, steal wine from old people, that'll make them donate money to keep your school afloat.
Punks.
On the other side...
1. I'm having a garage sale on Friday. I love garage sales. It's the old fogey in me coming out. I have every intention of spending the day sitting in a lawn chair in my backyard.
2. Here's where I go back on everything I've ever said. Foot, meet mouth.
I love Lost.
Previous statement made by me: "Oh, wow. A bunch of people crash on an island. Reeeaaaaal interesting."
New statement: "Lost is SWEET!"
Rob and I have 5 episodes left in the second season. Then we can talk about theories. Oh yeah. I got lots of theories.
p.s. Check my avatar. I'm on the island with the polar bear.
Today I feel like fighting someone.
Reasons:
1. Today this kid was so rude to me. I couldn't stand him to begin with and then he was rude and so I was rude back. I don't think he got the hint.
2. I mailed back my Netflix movies on Thursday. Every single time I mail them back, I get an email the very next morning saying that they've arrived. The Netflix place that my movies come from is 20 min. by car. So anyways, this time I mailed them from the campus post office, which is notorious for being shady. Guess what, 4 days later my movies still haven't gotten there. So I call up the post office.
Me: "Hi, I mailed my Netflix movies from there on Thursday and they usually only take one day to get there and they still haven't shown up."
Him: "One day? Nothing only takes one day."
Me: "Well, they're still not there."
Him: "I retired from the US Postal Service, and I can tell you, nothing takes one day."
Me: "Okay, well, it's been four days"
Him: "Well, you're not counting, Sunday, right?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Well, nothing takes one day."
Hold on a second.
Is this thing on? Can you hear me?
IT'S BEEN FOUR FREAKING DAYS, BUDDY.
3. The kids on this campus drive me crazy. Some friends of mine are working the special conferences this summer, and it's their job to stand by the food and make sure only program participants, who have paid for their food, eat it. One of the summer worker kids comes up to get food and my friend says to him "You can't eat this food, it's only for program participants."
What do you think the kid says to her? "Oh, okay"? No. The kid says "F$%k you", and proceeds to pile himself a whole plate of food and walk away.
Seriously?
SERIOUSLY?
Sometimes, I practice telling people off in my head. I came up with the best speech ever for that kid. It involves me lying about what my job is on campus and threatening to have him fired. I hope I run into that kid.
Last week, for reunion, they stole an entire CASE of wine. Not a glass. Not a bottle. 12 BOTTLES OF WINE.
Yeah, steal wine from old people, that'll make them donate money to keep your school afloat.
Punks.
On the other side...
1. I'm having a garage sale on Friday. I love garage sales. It's the old fogey in me coming out. I have every intention of spending the day sitting in a lawn chair in my backyard.
2. Here's where I go back on everything I've ever said. Foot, meet mouth.
I love Lost.
Previous statement made by me: "Oh, wow. A bunch of people crash on an island. Reeeaaaaal interesting."
New statement: "Lost is SWEET!"
Rob and I have 5 episodes left in the second season. Then we can talk about theories. Oh yeah. I got lots of theories.
p.s. Check my avatar. I'm on the island with the polar bear.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Help Me
I have an internet stalking problem.
As in, I am an internet stalker.
Rob and I are convinced that the 8 year old upstairs is Rosemary's Baby. We're afraid to sleep with the windows open because we're pretty sure he'll do that backwalkover-thingy and creep spider-style into our bedroom window, drain our blood and use it for some crazy ritual.
Oh sure, doubt me. You haven't heard the kid's evil cackle.
Also, once he said to me "The dark lord waits for you".
True story.
I have an internet stalking problem.
As in, I am an internet stalker.
Rob and I are convinced that the 8 year old upstairs is Rosemary's Baby. We're afraid to sleep with the windows open because we're pretty sure he'll do that backwalkover-thingy and creep spider-style into our bedroom window, drain our blood and use it for some crazy ritual.
Oh sure, doubt me. You haven't heard the kid's evil cackle.
Also, once he said to me "The dark lord waits for you".
True story.
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