New Years. Lame.

Here comes New Years again. Here is my take on New Years. New Years is and forever will be completely and totally disappointing. It does not matter what you're doing or where you are. You could be with the funnest (yeah, funnest, okay?) people in the world in the coolest place in the world and it's absolutely no different than if you were sitting at home playing Oregon Trail with a bottle of carbonated fruit juice (which I recall as being some of the best New Years ever, actually), because New Years could never ever live up to the excitement.
I can tell you where the worst place in the world to be on New Years is, though. Times Square. Times Square is obnoxious enough on a normal day, do you really want to crowd in there with thousands of people and watch a gigantic glass ball slowly creep toward the ground?
Maybe you do.
I would rather play Oregon Trail and die of dysentary.
The problem is, it's a countdown and so you feel like "ooohhh.. somethings going to happen at twelve! What's it going to be? It's going to be so sweet!"
Even though you know nothing's going to happen, subconciously you still feel like it is.
So, this is my proposal, tenatively called Laura's New Year Plan. What happens is, the government puts aside a budget and we use the money to make something cool happen every year so no one feels let down on New Years. I feel as though this would be the best possible use of my tax dollars.
For instance,
2007- As the ball gets to five, the front swings open (hinges have been masterfully hidden), revealing Tupac, who sings "Dear Mama" and then tells us all where he's been hiding since he faked his death.

I would feel immensely satisfied by this surprise, because I've been telling Erin forever that Tupac is still alive.

2008- Instead of the Waterford crystal ball, a gigantic pinata is lowered over Times Square. People begin hitting it and candy and metro cards and jewerly and Broadway tickets and dolla dolla bills fall out, blanketing Times Square in coolness.

I'm taking suggestions, so please feel free to contribute.
Until all of this goes in effect though, probably the only thing that could make New Year's worthwhile is if Erin called up and told me she was having a baby, like I've been asking for forever.
Take one for the team, Erin. Don't ruin my New Years.

The Pain and Suffering of Others Is Never Funny.
Never, ever, ever.

Who's the Weird One, Me or Estelle?

Just before we left for Christmas, Rob and I looked around our apartment and said to ourselves, "Why is there almost nothing on the walls?", followed by, "Why is this place the biggest disaster on Earth, all the time?"
So, we decided to get decorating and organizing.
First, we went to Ikea yesterday, where we purchased a filing cabinet thing for under our desk so all our crap will now be off the floor, a small chest to hide all of Rob's music crap in, as well as a few small knick knacky things.
Then today I went out and bought stuff to put on the walls. I happen to think it's the coolest stuff ever. I bought a photo mobile, magnetic photo strings, some small stuff to frame and the 2007 Kalamazoo Calendar, and I'm going to frame all of the pictures from it because they are awesome.
I'm a little afraid for when Rob comes home and sees what I bought, though.
Rob and I have very different decorating styles (Perhaps you remember The Birds)
The specific difference is, mine is cool, his is not.
Yesterday at Ikea, Rob comes up to me with a bag of potpourri and small blue woven basket and says "What do you think about this for the bathroom?"
I say to Rob, "Rob. Is there an old lady named Estelle hiding inside of you?"
Rob nods.
I am not a potpourri type of girl.
He also tried to pick out an old man painting for our wall.
We are at an impass. No birds for me, no old men and potpourri for him.
I tend to think I'm the one with the good sense, but then I think about something Erin said to me once, specifically, "Laura. Are you ever going to stop decorating like you're living in a dorm room?"
Got to love my family! So honest!
We will see what happens when Estelle gets home.

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say-ay (like the Dave Matthews song)

First, I heard this song coming home tonight. This must be the most unfathomably melodramatic wussy song I've ever heard. "You don't need to bother/ I don't need to be"? I think someone in my high school poetry class wrote this. Also, it was followed by The Freshman, which is BAD BAD KARMA.

Lets talk about good music, such as the video music diary I received as a present on Friday night. Joey Joe and the boys knew what real music was. As a matter of fact, I believe it was this little stanza of pure genius that got me interested in writing to begin with:

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance.
just get on the floor and do the new kids dance.
Dont worry bout nothing cause it wont take long.
were gonna put you in a trance with a funky song

However, I do have a little advice for you for the next video, guys. On the 'Hangin Tough' track- if you have to have "We're Rough" scroll across the screen in neon pink letters.. you're probably not that rough. Rough is just one of those things that speaks for itself. Awesome hair-dos though, no worries..

Something questionable I did this week...
The thing about being bored at work is that it's not like when we were growing up. The internet.. so accessible! You end up doing stupid things. For instance, last year, while bored at work, I decided to become an aerobics instructor. Not sure why.
This time, even stupider. I signed up to run a half marathon. On one hand, it's really good. There's a 13 week training camp before hand where they put you in a running group and you work up to the 13 miles. On the bad side, I'll be running outside in the frigidy Michigan winter. What this all points to is the fact that I need a job that keeps me busy.
This is me pledging, however, that I will never sign up to run anything longer than 13 miles.

Rob: Most Embarrassing Person Ever? You Decide.


So. We're in the coffee shop right now. Rob's grading papers and, because he hates grading papers, every time he finishes one, he makes me give him a high five, apparently to keep morale up or something. Not a little low-key five. We're talking hand straight up in the air, makes your palms sting high five. You're thinking to yourself "So just don't do it." Except that, he holds his hand up in the air and stares at you with this freaky frozen smile face until you give him the high five. I feel like I'm in Punky Brewster or a college orientation skit. People are staring. And I ask you, what did I do to deserve this?

Boy, 11, Kicks Hawk In Face To Save Puppy

I swear to you, this is an actual headline on CNN today and not a subplot in an Adam Sandler movie.

Resolution

I wear this shirt in honor of Sierra who never gets to explore her Jewish roots. Seriously though, Sierra gets mad at Erin every year because her friends get to celebrate Hannukah and she doesn't.
"Well, why can't we just be Jewish?"
A fair question, Sierra, a fair question.
Where's your answer to THAT, Erin?

I just came up with a New Year's Resolution. I'm going to travel more this year. Here is my list of places I would like to go (half of which will never happen, seeing as I am poor and penniless. But that's what resolutions are for...)

Laura's Travel Plans 2007

February- New York for a weekend
April- St. Louis to see Lily for a few days over spring break. If she can't get time off, I'll just work with her at the zoo, herding llamas or something. Last time I visited Lily I got to touch a rhino's tongue. Top that.
July- Up to Blissfest, but I was thinking of maybe applying to go to the Tin House Seminar in Oregon. This will interfere with Blissfest though. Boo for that. Change your dates, Tin House.
Some other month during the year- Rob has promised to take me to Napa Valley even though he thinks it will be boring.
Another, nother month- Erin and I are taking a trip somewhere. I haven't told her yet. Hey, Erin. We're taking a trip somewhere together next year. Be there.

Charmer

You know, with the nothing books and all, I saved pretty much everything from high school. One thing that I'm really sad that I somehow did not save was a note that I got from a guy friend my freshman year asking me out.
This was the greatest note of all time.
Apparently, at the young age of 15, this guy had somehow come to the conclusion that his options were sparse and he had better go ahead and settle down before every last female on earth was taken. I say this because he sent me this note:

Dear Laura:
blahblahblahblahblah
I wanted to know if you would go out with me. I know you're not the prettiest girl in school, but you're true blue.

I laugh every time I think about this note
Good old Jim, taking one for the team and asking the ugly girl out.
I will bear him many sons and do what needs to be done for the children. Plus, my dowry is two goats and a cow (lots, because I am so ugly)
I would pay actual money to still possess that note.

Seriously, Laura? Seriously?


The portfolio for my class is due Thursday. I have much, much more to do. I was going to do it today, but then I got side-tracked by Christmas shopping, decorating the tree and getting online, and now I have to clean the house because we have people coming over for game night tonight.
Procrastination is the bane of my existence.
I think I'm taking a personal day on Tuesday. Which would actually work out well because Erni is coming on Tuesday and then I could just go out for lunch whenever.
No classes next semester. I am fresh out of willpower.

Super Secret Hush-Hush



This is my super-secret weapon. I like to call it 'icicle'. I've been building it inch by icy, pointy, death-filled inch. I am smart and crazy like a ninja. If I see someone trying to break into my house, I will smack a broom handle against the top of it and unleash icy fury!
IT'S BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT!!

Do not mess with ninja masterminds.

Stupid Things I Do and I Am A Badass Lumberjack

As we've discussed in the past, I am not a social guru. Actually, I make an ass of myself on a daily basis. Something I like to do a lot is start to say a word and then change my mind about what word I'm saying halfway through, so that a lot of nonsense blubbering ends up coming out of my mouth.
For example, I'm leaving the chiropractor today.
At first, I decide to say "Bye"
Then, halfway through, my brain tells my mouth, "No, say 'Night' instead"
So, I end up yelling out, on my way out of the chiropractor's office,
"Bite!"
Then I tell myself that no one heard me, but really everyone did and they're wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
Seriously, people think I have a very polite form of Tourettes.

Speaking of the chiropractor, I think he's trying to brainwash me. They have this little TV in the room while you're waiting and it's all of these informational things and lame quizzes.
First of all, I hate those quizzes because they're like
True or False:
In 500 B.C. Archimedes discovered that music has healing properties.

Come on, guys. What is the point of making that a true or false question? It's obviously true if you put all that detail in there. Why don't you just say "Did you know.."
If it were my office, though, I would make it a true and false quiz and then the answer would be false. No explanation, nothing, just 'false'

True or False?
In Egyptian folklore the three eyed cat represents the trifecta of healing properties, one of which is chiropractic medicine
False.

But anyhow, the point is, I think he's trying to turn me against traditional medicine. All the info today was like "Antibiotics cover up the root of the problem. Chiropractors advocate natural healing" and "Did you know, Antibiotics are associated with cancer?"
A few more visits and I won't let my kids go to the doctor anymore, and they'll have to sit in the hall during birthday parties at school.
It'll be like:
"Mom! I've got a goiter the size of a basketball!"
"Oh, don't worry honey, it's just your spine. You just need an adjustment!"

Moving on...


























This is the tree that I cut down.
SINGLEHANDEDLY.
I AM A BADASS LUMBERJACK.
That tree never saw me coming, I started sawing away and it fell over.
Then I put it on my blue ox and we all went out for pancakes.

Blasphemy

I am making myself the ultimate Christmas mix album CD. I am doing this because it will bring a little joy to my work life. I am also decorating the plastic tree in our office with lights and ornaments. You do what you have to.
Upon searching for songs for my superfabchristmasmix, I ask you, who re-does ('covers', whatever) the John Lennon "Happy Christmas/War Is Over" song?
The answer: Lots of people.
To you people, I say. Just Say No.
Don't do it.
Seriously.
I like analogies.
Do architects ever say "That Eiffle Tower is so cool. I think I'll build another one just like it.
No. Or if they do, they're retarded.
If you have counter-arguments about this, I'm not interested.
Let it be people, it was about as good as it gets the first time around.

Also, do you know what classic Christmas song ITunes does not have?
A little ditty I like to call "Funky, Funky Christmas" by NKOTB.
I think, though, that if I searched long and hard in my basement, I could find my old tape of it. I imagine it's in with my NKOTB pajamas and posters and giant pins and VHS tapes and key chains.
Or it's in my closet as we speak.
Whatever.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's.
Flipping.
Cold.
And slippery. Very slippery. I fell coming out of Saladays tonight. Rob, gentleman that he is, even felt so bad for me that he helped me up and let me dust off my jeans before he started laughing and yelling "you fell!". Charming, that Rob.
What combats all of the coldness and slipperyness?
Breathe Right Strips.
You heard me. Breathe Right Strips. They're freeing. Say what you will about them, but Rob went and got me some last night when my sinuses were all clogged up.
The difference is night and day.
So I say, why save it for when you're sleeping?
Which is why I am wearing one this very second, as I drink a glass of wine and type on my blog.
Try it, you'll thank me.

Please Burn My Eyes Out With A Hot Poker

They switched the Men's and Women's locker rooms at my gym and I forgot all about it. I definitely walked in to the wrong one and saw an old man completely naked and I'm not quite sure how I'll ever be able to scrape the image off of my retinas.

Dear famiglia,
You might as well stop looking for your ugly ornament because I have already found the ugliest ornament ever created.
Sorry for the bad news,
Me