Status Report

Time: 8:15pm
Time left to do my WebCt response for class: 3 hours, 45 minutes
Articles left to read: 5
Articles read: 0
Currently working on: my christmas list
Scale of 1-10, how much I hate my job: 7 with a chance of 9
Times I was told I was locin' today: 2
Classes left to take before I can teach college english and creative writing and never have to work at a high school again: 1
Number of articles left to read for that class: 5
Time left to read them: 3 hours, 37 minutes


Other Items of Note:
1. I love my google calendar. Do you have a google calendar? If you're an organization freak, you will love google calendar as much as me. Get it. Got it? Good.

2. Let's be serious. My living room is so. cute.
The problem is, I'm never home to enjoy my living room. I'm posting a picture of it here so you can enjoy it, and maybe I can make it the background on my computer at work and enjoy it from afar.

























3. Amount of money raised for our Race for the Cure on Saturday- $1635.00
Fundraising superstars. My dad will try to tell you it's all his doing, but don't listen to a word of that nonsense.

4. Hi Sara! How's it going? I keep meaning to call you this week. I could call you right now. But there's that small matter of the five articles. I will call you tomorrow. Hope your week is going fine- how was NY?

5. Happy Birthday Joe :)




















6. A few pictures from our housewarming party (just prior to when the big bald guy came and threatend our lives)





































7. (p.s. were you aware that 3 and 7 are my lucky numbers? They are.) This is the day Rob got his new speakers. I feel it's safe to say that if our house was burning down and Rob only had time to save one thing/person, I had better get myself out.

More Fun With Crazy People

Just when I thought I had reached my fun quotient for the week with puppet seminar lady yesterday.. in comes Conspiracy Theory Mom.

First thing she says to me when she walks into the office:
"Why do the students have a bar code on their ID's but staff doesn't?"
"Well, students have them so we can pull up their information quickly"
"Well, what about your information?"
"Uhhh..."

ID's. Just a small part of the communist regime of the public school system. Damn you! We don't need no education! You're just a brick in the wall!
Seriously, though, the truth is we're storing all the students thoughts on those bar codes, so we can easily access any thought crimes they may have committed.

Other manipulations afoot right there under my very nose (how could I not have noticed?):
"Are you really okay with the way schools are brainwashing kids?"
"You know those surveys they have the kids take with the ACT tests? They ask kids about their sexual orientation and then the teachers and administration read it. A teacher told me."
"I don't even want my kids going here. It's like a communist country in here. How many security guards do you have out there?"

What's funny is, if anything ever happened to her kid in school, she'd be like "Where was the security?? Why wasn't anyone there??"

Fight the power.

P.S. Highly recommended: The Last Kiss Soundtrack. Get it, I'll wait.


Do you have it yet?
What's taking so long?

P.P.S. I don't like Fiona Apple. But, I like her more than I like 'Fergie', whom I can't stand. If I was on Road Rules Challenge, I'd choose Fiona Apple over Fergie. Here's my ideal Road Rules/Real World Challenge Team

My team:
Me
Zach Braff
Erin and Danny
Lorenzo Lamas (seriously, people, he's a bounty hunter)
The Incredible Hulk
Dale Ernhardt Jr. (his fireproof gear may come in handy)
J.D. Salinger (shut up.)
John Basedow
Shakira

VS.

Gwen Stefani and Fergie Ferg

Bring it.

Awesome New Word I Learned This Week

Locin' (verb). To go crazy or freak out on someone (I think).
As in:
"Damn, Miss W.! I was just askin' a question, why you locin'?"

Now, why can't I make up words? It's like, if I went around trying to say that, people would be like "who are you kidding?" But some people, they make up a word and for some reason it sounds like it was always a word.
It's not fair. It's bunk. It's wack.
I can't even pull off words that are already words.

Gusto

I am not a master of the conversation. With people I know, whatever, it's no problem. But with people I don't know, I somehow always end up saying the exact wrong thing. Take for example, last week when I was doing staff ID pictures-

Person says to me: "Okay, now, I want to look thin and pretty in my picture"
What I say to them: "Everyone keeps asking for that, that's a lot of pressure"
What I meant: God knows. It was the first thing that came to mind.
What it sounded like: "You're fat and ugly."

Person says to me: "Try to make me not look pregnant in my picture"
What I say to them: "But you are pregnant." (WHY, GOD! WHY?!)
What I meant: She was pregnant. What do you want from me?
What it sounded like: "You look fat."

Or today, for instance:

Person says to me: "I need to pick up a student"
What I say to them: "Are you her grandmother?"
"No, I'm her mother"
What it sounded like: "You look old."

The point of all this is, I tell you what, I had a few minutes of pure genius conversationality this evening talking to the guy behind the counter at the coffee shop. It was like I was so on. I didn't call anyone fat or ugly. Coffee shop guy thought I was so funny. For a few minutes tonight, I wanted to be my own friend.
Here's how the conversation would have gone, had I decided to be my own friend:
Cool me: "Hey can I have a chai?"
Regular me: "Do you want that with skim?"
Cool me: "Nah."
Regular me: "Are you sure, whole milk is really bad for you. Oh, and by the way, you're fat and ugly. Let's just get that out of the way, cause at some point during the conversation. I'm going to unintentionally hint at it."
Cool me: "Cool."

As a side note, a student went into labor in my office today.

Hidden Proof That I Am Actually Superhuman

Hidden Trait: I can turn on the shower and pick things up with my toes
Superhuman power: Superhuman strength

Hidden Trait: I've never been pulled over by the 5-0
Superhuman power: I am actually invisible

Hidden Trait: I never remember things the way they actually happen
Superhuman power: I can read people's minds and I'm acutally remembering their memories

Hidden Trait: I can't run faster than a 10-minute mile
Superhuman power: My body is actually made of lead, ideal for stopping people in their non-superhuman tracks

Hidden Trait: I know before I open the fridge that Rob has taken the last Diet Coke and left the empty box inside
Superhuman power: X-Ray vision

Hidden Trait: I don't kill Rob for doing the above stated
Superhuman power: Superhuman self-control

Hidden Trait: I can beat Joe at Clue, anytime, anyplace- BRING IT.
Superhuman power: Superhuman criminal sensory skills

Hidden Trait: I can write an entire blog about being a superhero
Superhuman power: Superhuman time-wasting capabilities

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Want to know what one of my biggest regrets of all time is? It's pretty tame, but it bugs me nonetheless.
Not paying attention in college.
I graduated with a good GPA and all, but I totally coasted by. There is WAY MORE I could have learned, and now that I'm old and bored of guys and parties and whatever else it was I did for 5 years, I sit around thinking about how much stuff I could have learned if I had paid the slightest bit of attention to the $20,000 worth of undergraduate education I received.
Now I WANT to be in the damn classes and I can't AFFORD them any more.
DAMN YOU! This is why I should have joined the Peace Corp or something like that before I came to college.

Rob and I just got in a big fight about irony, because he's teaching his kids about irony tomorrow and he and I don't think irony are the same thing. In my opinion:

Not irony, just really bad luck: Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.
Irony: Walking in to a knife factory and finding ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

Possibly irony, but I'm not really sure: A no smoking sign on your cigarette break

And lastly, what my BFF J.D. has to say about Holden-
"The boy himself is at once too simple and too complex for us to make any final comment about him or his story. Perhaps the safest thing we can say about Holden is that he was born in the world not just strongly attracted to beauty but, almost, hopelessly impaled on it."
I'm gonna find J.D. and we're gonna get a cabin out in the woods together and roast marshmallows and hang.
Wouldn't that be ironic?
No. No, it wouldn't.

It's About Time To Post Again, But I've Got Nothing To Post About

(1) Today was the first day of school
Time the doors opened: 7am
Time the first fight broke out: 7:09am

Way to exercise that self-control, guys.

(2) Overheard in Meijer:

Girl 1: Ooh! Want to make guacamole?
Girl 2: Yeah! But, I've already got the mix at home, all we need is guacamolies.

Finally, Laura Weighs In On All The Important Issues of Today

1. Justin Timberlake's New Song
Justin. You are not bringing sexy back. That song is terrible. And I even have a little soft spot for Justin. What it kind of reminds me of is when we used to listen to tapes and then they'd get caught and stretched out in the tape player.
Laura Gives It A : Not so much, try again.

2. Noodles and Company
Yum! Totally good and totally cheap. I myself had the Indonesian Peanut Saute. A little more fiery than I expected but, again, really good.
Laura Gives It A: You're the Bomb Diggity.

3. Walgreen's and Others:
I'm writing to my state representative, once I find out who that is, and I'm asking them to write a new law. This law will state: You can not build two locations of the exact same store within 5 miles of each other. They've been working on this new site where they tore down a house and I was interested to see what it would be. Walgreen's. There's a bleeping Walgreens 2 miles down the road. STOP IT.
Laura Gives It A: You're fired. And I hate you.

4. This Lady Who Works In My Office (But not crazy secretary)
Today at 12:15pm this lady comes down and says "Laura, would you be interested in going to this training session this afternoon to learn about the new immunization laws?"
First of all, it seems to me that if I actually had to sit through that training session, I would poke my eyeballs out with the needles out of sheer mind-torturing bordem.
Second of all, the training started at 1. It was 12:15. And it went a half hour later than I get out of work. So I tell her that I can't because I have appointments right after I get out at three. And she seems all put out.
Two Things, Hanna Montana-
1. Here's an idea. Tell me about it slightly earlier than 45 minutes before it starts.
2. Get real.
Laura Gives It A: I'd Rather Get 20 Tetanus Shots. In my ear.

5. Getting the Newspaper Delivered
I like getting the newspaper. It's very.. informative.
Laura Gives It A: Keep it coming.

I AM... MAAATHHH GIRLLLL!
(Defender of decimals, protector of precentages.. you get the idea)

Have I made a bad decision by choosing to live so close to campus? Sitting outside, I have heard the following things so far tonight:
1. A bunch of guys screaming obnoxiously for about a 1/2 hour now
2. The soccer team that lives below my saying "Oh we are so drinking tonight"

Really, I've got nothing against college kids, especially seeing as most of them are only about 2 years younger than me, but do they need to be so stinking loud all the time? Oh well, it will get cold in about 2 months and every one will be holed up in their apartments.

Speaking of neighbors..
Last night, we're leaving for Rob's show, and as we're walking out the door the couple who live across the hall from us come running up the stairs. So Rob says to them, sarcastically, "Hey, guys, come on. There's no running in the building."
Response from them: nothing.
Not a smile, not a eyeroll, not a 'what the hell' look.
We've introduced ourselves to this couple before, so it's not like they don't know who the heck we are.
Granted, it wasn't a very funny joke, but nonetheless, COMPLETELY BLANK FACES, and then they walk in their apartment.
Rob and I are like "What the hell was that?"

I'm building myself an Ikea desk. I'm picking out everything, the kind of top and bottom and all the storage and whatnot. It's going to be BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT!

Back to work tomorrow...buuuuttttt..I've got Friday off.

p.s. I won the Crim. Erin came in second. I think it may be because we rubbed my mom's fuzzy little head for good luck. Is your mom cuter than my mom? Answer: Not a chance.

p.p.s. "So this is a Haavad baaa? I thought there would be equations and shit on the waaals." Best movie ever made, don't even try and fight with me.

Laura Has 2 Glasses of Wine and Writes A Blog

Thoughts Thought During My Second Day At My New Job, A Selection:
"Maybe I should just sleep in"
"Why can't everyone just wear jeans to work?"
"Is this lady kidding me?"
"Maybe I have a text message"
"How the F does this copy machine work?"
"I'll kill myself if they don't fix my internet"
"Is this lady kidding me?"
"4 more hours"
"Someday, I'll be a genius, and not making copies"
"Wine sounds good"
"Is this lady kidding me?"

Needless to say, one of the secretaries is crazy. Certifiably. She's been there for 14 years and apparently she's a bit of a control freak. I get this email from her when I get into work, and I look at the time it was sent. 5:53. We don't have to be to work until 7. So I go over and show the cool secretary, and she informs me that crazy secretary comes into work between 4:30 and 5am everyday. For no apparent reason.
Crraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy.
Also, Crazy Secretary won't let us throw anything away. There are ink cartridges and printer ribbon from machines that don't even EXIST anymore, and she won't let us throw them away.
Dear Crazy Secretary,
I know the 80's are coming back in fashion, but the trend doesn't apply to office technology.
Love, Laura

Question I most asked myself today:
"Laura. Why the crap didn't you take the job at Sarah Lawrence?"
Answer: Because it was in New York.
I didn't want to stay in New York. I'm glad I didn't. But at the same time... that would have been the freaking SWEETEST job.
Oh well.

Rob got a job. He's teaching high school writing. We got furniture today. Yay us!

Playlists

My Running Supermix
1. Mr. Brightside- The Killers
2. Walkaway- Kelly Clarkson
3. Shame On You- Indigo Girls
4. Only The Good Die Young- Billy Joel
5. Golddigger- Kanye West
6. My Doorbell- White Stripes

My Favorite Songs of All Time Mix

1. Time Will Do the Talking- Patty Griffin
2. Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd
3. One- U2
4. Strange Currencies- REM

To be edited, but I'm going to bed now.

P.S. I'm employed. Gainfully, even.

p.s. I heart writing.

A Post of Substance

Just kidding. Let's be serious, this blog is completely substance-free. This blog is so substance-free it's straight edge.
Now, on to the nonsense...

1. Today I had to kill some time before my interview, so I stopped at the new Beaner's on Westnedge.
Laura's Tip For Life #1: Beware the establishment on it's first day of existance.
This place was like happy customer service on steroids.
First, I walk in and the owner is standing right there and he's like "HELLO! WELCOME TO BEANERS! THIS IS OUR GRAND OPENING!"
me: hi.
Then the girl rings me in and then I go down to pick up my drink and the drink guy is standing there, smiling this freaky smile and he's like "Hello and welcome to Beaners. Have you joined our e-rewards program?" He then proceeds to go through all the details of the e-rewards program with me.
Then, I go to sit down and the manager follows me back to my seat. He's like "Is the sun okay for you? I know it's really sunny there. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll get some shades."
Me: Yeah, it's not so bad. Shades would work.

THEN The manager comes over and he's like "So! What did you get today?"
Me: A MochaChill
Him: "And how is that?"
We then proceed to have a 5 minute conversation about whether or not the MochaChill has enough espresso in it.

Just as I'm about to leave, the owner comes back over and we talk for another 3 minutes about the sun and shades vs. no shades.

It's like, I know they're trying to be really nice and customer servicey, but all those people smiling at me and striking up bizarre conversations made me feel like I was in a room full of serial killers.

2. Running the Crim on Saturday. Erin better step up her training or I'm going to leave her in the dust. That's right, Erin, I'm talking to you. I've got the need for speed. Get to running.

3. Anyone know a good tailor in Kalamazoo? My pants are too long. As a rule.

4. Rob took his test and got A+ certified today. He's a super-genius.

5. We got new phones. And text messaging. And text messaging with pictures. Dangerous. I'm obsessed. As I am with anything that allows me to waste my life away frivilously.

6. Today I borrowed Sar's car for a few hours and she had Tristan Prettyman playing on her CD player. You should check out her page, because she's very good.

Fall, fall, fall! Fall is almost here!

Things about fall that rock my world-
1. leaves
2. nice smelling fall smell
3. sweatshirts
4. football games (not so much going to them but.. you know)
5. pumpkins
6. going to John's cider mill

Things that are currently rocking my world-
1. my porch
2. being in Kzoo, playing Scattergories and drinking too much wine (no names mentioned)
3. The dog Rob and I are about to get. It's a chihuahua. But not a little skinny-freaky chihuahua. A pudgy chihuahua. And what have we named him? We have named him Frankenstein. Our dog is named Frankenstein.
4. Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger
5. The White Stripes
6. The Spinach-Feta Burger

Things that are currently not rocking my world
1. Being a bartender (although, to my credit, I'm a mean mojito-making mamajama)
2. Beaners MochaChill. Starbucks Frappucino. Anything that isn't a Brainfreeze.

When I was growing up, I had this friend Brian, and sometimes his mom would misspell his name in cards and things, so it said "Love, Brain"

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret

What happened to all the commenters? It's a lot more fun when people comment. Get on it people, this is not a one-sided relationship. This is like, when you were in college and you had to do group work, and there would always be one person who didn't do or say anything, but their name still went on the project.
Don't be that person, people.
Here's the topic:
If you had to pick your own theme song to start playing everytime you entered a room, what would it be?
Discuss.

p.s. Mine is "Pour Some Sugar On Me"

Mullets for a Cause

Through the miracle of computers, we have been able to simulate what my sister would look like with a mullet.
And it's for a good cause.
You know you want to be a part of this.
Winther Race For A Cure Fundraising Page

Deep Down, I'm Still In Fifth Grade

I really like this wine, we served it at Food Dance when I worked there. The problem is, it's called sex. See, can't even type it.
So I go into Tiffany's and I look around for it, but I can't find it, but I know they have it, because Tiffany's has everything. If you made moonshine in your backyard they would probably carry it. So, I suck it up and ask. I say-
"Do you have any of the Mawby wines from Traverse City?"
(note: why it sounds like I think I'm a wine snob here, the only reason I even know the company name is because I sold it at Food Dance. End note)
They guy says "I've got a couple. Which one are you looking for?"
Yes, boys and girls, I am 25 and I can't say 'sex'.
I say "Umm... I don't know.. I just wanted to look at them."
Pathetic, Laura! Pathetic!
It is now painfully obvious that I want the Sex, but can't say it.
What's funny is, when we sold it at Food Dance, I had no problem with it. I had to walk up to tables and say "Tonight on special, we have Sex."
But I can't say it to this man.
Because this man looks like Flanders from the Simpsons.
Okaley, Dokaley, Neighbor, I'll take the Sex.
Anyhow, so he finds it, and he says "Oh, looks like we have the Us, or the Sex"
So I grab the Sex and I say
UhyeahthatlooksfineI'lltakethat,thanks.
Should you even be allowed to drink if you can't say sex?
In other news I am semi-employed.
I am waitressing.
I am only okay with this because I have been guaranteed a teaching job for next semester and because a journal wants one of my stories.
Which makes me feel like not as much of a loser waitress with a Master's degree and 60,000 in student loans.
The restaurant is really cool though, it's Cosmo's, which is tiny and cute and kitchy, and directly across from the disaster of an apartment that Rob and I used to live in in the student ghetto that I miss TERRIBLY.
TERRIBLY. Don't get me wrong, our new apartment is nice. But I will take a rundown little apartment in the cute old historic neighborhoods over the nice stuff anyday. Good God, that place was such a piece of crap you couldn't open the oven door all the way because it would hit the refridgerator. And the ceiling bowed about a foot in the middle. And I would buy it in a second.
If I weren't a waitress.
Anyways, I'm going to be a bartender. And I get to wear whatever I want to work.
And I'm trying to be positive.
Because what the hell don't I have to be positive about? I TYPE 70 F-ING WORDS A MINUTE, DAMNIT! TODAY, MICROSOFT OFFICE. TOMORROW? THE WORLD!!!
p.s. My sister has forbid me to say f-ing anymore. She tells me I sound like a trucker. She says "I've got your silk-screened jacket for you, whenever you want it."
But I feel it was warranted in this situation.

Memo
To: L. Winther
Re: How Cool Are You?

Guess how many words I can type per minute? 70.
I have to keep a fire extinguisher next to my keyboard.
That's how cool I am.

Reason I Suspect I Am Actually No Fun

Tonight Rob and I went to see the new Will Ferrell movie (not going to lie to you.. it was kind of a disappointment...), and at the end, after their Nascar race, to celebrate, the winning team opens the bottle of champagne and sprays it everywhere.
What everyone else is thinking: Hooray! They won!
What I'm thinking: Ahhh! Stop that! Now everyone's going to be all disgusting and sticky! And then you're going to have to clean all that champagne off of everything!

I'm going to go ahead and blame this one on Gordita and The Min. I think that, had I not been raised to clean up all my own messes, I would be able to enjoy this type of thing. But now, all I can think about is what a pain in the ass it would be to clean up. Other things in movies that have this same affect on me:
1. Pies in the face (which, as a side note, are not funny anyways. Ever.)
2. Food fights
3. Scenes in movies like Cheaper By the Dozen and Yours, Mine and Ours where all the kids make a gigantic mess of the house.
4. Football movies where the players dump the Gatorade/water over the coach's head

And most of all...
Nothing septic-related is EVER FUNNY. DO NOT HAVE PEOPLE GET SEPTIC-IZED.

Don't Feed the Animals

Last week Rob and I got a gym membership back at the gym we went to before we moved, which I really like. Except, the gym has gone "BodyPump" crazy.
First, I'd like to this opportunity to say the word "pump" more, because Sara hates it so much.
Pump up the jam! Pump it up! While your feet are thump-in'!
And the jam is pump-in'!
Look ahead the crowd is jump-in'!
Anyhow.
So I go to BodyPump this morning, which is basically just a class where you do weight training for an hour. All is going well until we get to biceps.
Do you know what the instructor refers to working your biceps as?
Feeding the pythons.
As in, "Come on, girls, it's time to feed the pythons."
When she said it, I threw up in my mouth a little.
Okay, not really.
But I definately did not keep a straight face.
It takes a lot to say something like that and take yourself seriously. And so I applaud you, BodyPump girl. You feed those pythons.
Later on, Rob and I were helping Sara move and I went to pick something up and it was too heavy so I told Rob to move it.
Rob says "Oh, looks like the pythons must still be hungry."
To which I say "HEY! I MAKE THE SARCASTIC COMMENTS AROUND HERE, BUDDY!"