A Few Christmas Pictures

Went shopping with the Min today and purchased-
(1) green tank top for $3.50
(1) Mr. Potato Head calendar with different outfit stickers for each month
(1) book of Sudoku puzzles, which I am now addicted to, though I'm no good at them
(1) copy of Elements of Style, so I can finally learn to punctuate
Then, I went to my CPR training class. 5 hours. 5 hours of breathing into a dummy.

Would you rather question of the day-
"Would you rather have grapes for eyes, but you can still see, or sausages for legs, but you can still walk?"
Think long and hard about that one. It's a no-win situation.

You can mark me down as saying that I would rather have every last piece of my clothing eaten by moths than walk around smelling like moth balls. Also, why is it that only old people smell like moth balls? I've never met any younger people who smell like them, or use them for that matter. Do you develop an absurd fear of having your clothes eaten when you're old?

Who is this masked man? It's Danny.

Here's my Dad's avatar. From this angle, you can't quite see his fiberoptic tree. Also, you seem to have put on some weight since I was home four weeks ago?

Song Lyrics I Have Recently Misheard

Have you heard that 'Photograph' song? The real lyric is
"I think the present owner fixed it up"
I thought it was
"I think the president should fix it up", and I'm thinking 'why would the president come fix up your house?'
Then I got it.

Also, that "Sugar, We're Going Down" song.
I thought it was "Waiting to be the Freak Sheet in your jeans". And I'm like 'what the hell is a freak sheet?' and all I kept thinking about dryer sheets.
Turns out the lyric is
"Waiting to be the friction in your jeans."
Which is still wierd.

I just made some cookies on broil and they turned out awesome, and I was thinking, what if I made an On Broil Cookbook. It could be full of recipes that you make on broil. I'm a marketing genius. There is that whole thing about me not knowing how to cook, but if I made the Min my partner and gave her a cut of the $, I think we could work it out.

It's Cold. Incredibly cold. It took me a very long time to get up, out of bed and out of the house today because it was so cold the thought of leaving and going outside made me want to cry.
Some things-
1. I got tickets for Me, Rob, Alex and Sarah to go see the Colbert Report in January. That will be fun. I'm missing my first class for it. Oh well.
2. My kickboxing teacher is lame. She stands up at the front, and she'll do the move for about 20 seconds, and then she stops and just counts for us while WE'RE doing the exercise. Are you serious, lady? Don't be yelling "Come on girls!" when you're up there doing nothing. Rude.
I'm going to bed now. Where it's warm.

What I Really Need
You may be asking, what does Laura really need? Well. I'm at home, the Christmas tree is all lit up, I'm cooking lasagna on broil, since that's the only temperature that works, and it smells all burnt. I even turned the heat on today. What more could I possibly need? I need a Christmasy movie. And not Charlie Brown, whom I cannot stand.

There is a PLETHORA of new Christmas avatar stuff. A BONANZA, if you will.
(I'm in a snowglobe, in case you can't tell. Also, I seem to be Carmen Sandiego.)

Hooray! Cheap Furniture!

Ikea is opening a store in Michigan next summer... just in time for me moving back and buying all new stuff to replace the crap we currently own.
We got our Christmas tree yesterday for $15 from a gas station parking lot. It's very Charlie Brown..

Rice milk- Not milk. Milk comes from udders. Rice doesn't have udders. Rice milk- Not milk. Rice juice.

I Miss Being In College

So, granted, I am still in college. But it's not the same. Right now, there are three weeks left before Christmas break. If I were in real college, this would be the time when I had ten million papers/projects due and I'd be all stressed out trying to get them done, going to the library to work on them, and it would be all roasty-toasty in the library, and I'd stay there late, and Christmas would be coming up, which would be exciting, but I wouldn't be able to think about that, because I would have papers due.

As it stands now, I have nothing due. I have to have a thesis written, but not until the end of April. I work on stories every day, but there's no pressing deadline. I don't really have a lot that has to be done. It's taking away from the excitement of Christmas break and Christmas in general. Someone give me a paper to write.

And my house is cold because I can't afford heat, apparently.

We have an ornament contest. Team Laura/Rob vs. Team Erin/Curtis. Who can find the ugliest ornament. And then, you have to use the other team's ornament on your Christmas tree next year.
Rob and I have already won this year. I can't wait to post a picture of it on here, it's the scariest thing you've ever seen. Try me, Curtis, you've got nothing.
NOTHING!
Now it's time to go light my little Christmas Tree Smell candle and get under my comforter and watch Oprah's Favorite Things show.

I am desperate for this duvet.

You know, I almost, almost, miss CK 105 right now. It's three days before Thanksgiving and I haven't heard the Adam Sandler Thanksgiving song yet. If I were in Flint, I would be sick to death of it all ready.
Rob and I are going to the dollar store to buy stockings and Christmas decorations now.
Yay! I'm coming home! I bought a moose ornament yesterday!

Retarded thing we did: Rented an apartment that's 90% underground. Bugs seem to find their way into my apartment. I'm not talking 'ew, dirty apartment=bugs'. I think the bug population is due to the fact that the lower half of my windows are below ground (the drains are literally outside of the window) and the other half of the windows are at ground level. Two days ago I went into the bathroom and there's a bug and inch to an inch and a half big. Disgusting. I knew it wasn't going to be the only one. I've killed three more in the past two days. I am literally afraid to go into my bathroom. I have an irrational fear of these bugs. I fling the door open and look around, at the floor, the walls, the ceiling especially. These things are freaky. When you go to kill them, they hop around trying to get away from you. Every time I go in the bathroom, I'm looking around waiting for something to jump up on me.
I tried to look them up online, to figure out what they were so I could figure out how to kill them, but all those bugs look the same to me. And I started to feel nauseous looking at them all. I swear, I am not a wussy, but these bugs are going to cause a breakdown.

I get massive amounts of junk email. Not porn though, like most people. No. I CONSTANTLY get emails that say "Laura! Open your own dollar store!". Not one email. Daily emails. LISTEN, PEOPLE! I DONT WANT A DOLLAR STORE TO CALL MY OWN! Leave me in peace.

Sarah's post/avatar reminded me of something- when I was in like 2nd or 3rd grade I ordered this Thanksgiving book from the book order at school. It was an entire paper Thanksgiving village that you had to pop out and construct, like paper doll clothes except way harder. It had people and food and you even had to make the tables. That thing was so fun. I set up the entire village on the bathroom floor (I know, wierd, who plays in the bathroom? But when I was little we had the world's HUGEST bathroom. You could have thrown a party in there. But we didn't. Plus, the little paper dolls fell over on the carpet, but they stood up on the linolieum).

I'm going to be driving in the car during the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Lame.

So much work to do... so little work being done.

Chlorophyll?? More like Bore-a-phyll!

The title has nothing to do with the post, I just wanted to say it.
I'm having homonym problems lately. My brain has gone to mush. Today I substituted 'clothes' for 'close'. Like "Go clothes the door". Also, I seem to be messing up the 'to, two, too' and 'your, you're' and 'they're, their'. I haven't replaced 'your' with 'yore' yet, but I'll keep you updated.

Again last night, I'm at the coffeeshop, writing. This kid sits down at the table next to me with some girl and I get the feeling they vaguely know each other, but just barely. So they start talking, blah blah blah, and already I can tell he's one of those coffeeshop people. For some reason coffeeshops seem to attract these people that think they're all deep and meaningful. I don't know what it is. It's funny as hell to listen to, though. Anyways, this particular guy happens to have some major chip on his shoulder about college. After a while he stops his conversation, looks over at me and says "How can you stand to sit here and type?"
At first, I think he means how can I type in here when it's so loud, because it is pretty loud, and I turn to him and say "Actually, it's easier for me to work on stuff when there's some noise."
That's not what he's talking about though.
"No. I mean, that's college work, right? How can you stand to just sit around and type? Isn't it all so pointless? Don't you feel like they're just making you jump through hoops for nothing?"
Oh good God. You're so damn deep I just can't even fathom you.
So I say to him. "No, I don't. I'm a writer. Typing is what I do."

He then proceeds to attack this poor girl he's with for going to college. ("I moved here when I went to college" "Well, why did you go to college?") Hey, I respect if college isn't your thing. Why do you have to go around being down on people who like school though? I like school. I think it's a good time.

1. My new thesis advisor has tattoos on both of her under-biceps (new word). I haven't figured out what they are yet, because I didn't want to be that girl that stares at someone's underarms.

2. I'm getting certified to be a kickboxing instructor. I'm all signed up for the test in February and my study materials are in the mail. Turns out they don't just want you to know about kickboxing they want you to know how the body works, exercise-wise and all. I talked to the lady who runs the SLC gym and she already agreed to hire me to teach classes there fourth quarter. This could end up being really hilarious. I'm not sure I have any rhythm.

3. Things that are coming up soon-
*Thanksgiving
*Rob and I picking out a Christmas tree, probably from a parking lot in the Bronx
*Ice skating at Rockefeller Center, even though they rip you off
*Harry Potter movie. Want to go, Erin? Then we can talk about whether or not you think Harry dies in the last book. I know how you love that stuff;)

4. Tonight we had homemade meatballs for dinner. They were really good. But when I left and gave Rob the meatball recipe, I kind of expected to come home and have little golf ball-sized meatballs. Rob makes meatballs the size of your fist. I think they're actually called hamburgers. They were really super good though.

Current Mood:  shuffled
Currently Playing:  Tracy Chapman

I finally broke down and bought and Ipod Shuffle. I couldn't resist it any more. Now, I have a little bit of guilt.. but a lot of songs in an exciting random order. I can deal with that. I also have a handy little arm band thing.
I started reading this book last week- it was one of the zillion that I buy at library sales and thrift shops, and never read. I chose it out of the thousand other books I haven't read because the author was a professor at Western when I was there- It's kind of...boring. Actually, I think it's the reason I'm having Dakota Fanning dreams, because I picture the daughter in the book as Dakota Fanning. Now I feel like I have to finish it. I'm making myself finish it befoe I start a new one. Thumbs down for the follow-through.
In other news, Rob drinks soup out of mugs and it grosses me out.

Blah. Big huge blah. Woke up. Went to Kohls. Came home and went for a run since it was an incredibly beautiful day. Went to Target to find cheap boots to go with a skirt. Didn't find anything. Can't find my SLC I.D., so I can't make any copies...

I Seem To Be The Only One, But...
I do not like James Frey. I do not like him in a boat, I do not like him with a goat, I do not like that Oprah picked his book for her bookclub and, consequently, he will now make a million trillion dollars. I think he is a mean man. Why is he constantly talking about how much other people suck and how he doesn't? Because James Frey is a mean man, I find this funny.
I would not save James Frey from Evil Dakota Fanning and her father's evil gas.

How I Saved My Little Brother From the Evil Dakota Fanning

So, I had this dream last night. Erin, Danny and I all live with Dakota Fanning and her Dad (who just so happens to be the evil guy from the second Spiderman movie). Everything's all fine and dandy, but every once in a while, Dakota Fanning threatens our lives with a gun. After a while, we figure out that the reason she's doing it is because her dad is making some kind of evil gas, and when she breathes it in, she goes crazy and tries to kill us. So I run upstairs (to be honest, I was running away from evil, gun-weilding Dakota, and I left Erin and Danny behind, which I'm not proud of..) and I yell at her Dad, I'm like "Your gas is making Dakota crazy!"
But now that he knows that I know it's the gas, he's trying to kill me. So I run back downstairs and I grab Danny and I lock us in a room. (Erin, I'm not exactly sure where you are at this point, but I'm sure you're fine..) Oh, but evil dad, so tricky! He starts blowing the evil gas into the room underneath the door. But, luckily, I'm a genius. I put a fan in front of the door and blow it all right back out there. And that's how I saved my and Danny's lives.

Rock on wit yo bad self, Snow White...

The Gods of Yahoo Avatars were listening. Or Santa Claus was.

Feeling Lame

Feeling rather lame tonight. Halloween was a bit of a bust around here, we didn't have a single trick or treater, and it got cold out so we said forget it and came inside. Tomorrow is November. Do you feel like every year they start putting out the Christmas stuff earlier? Christmas decorations have been on sale in town for at least two weeks now.

Halloween Party Tonight..



Hey Gloria, I think they've got your number...

Rob's doing the laundry.

This is the post where I get all high and mighty about Halloween

I feel like kids are totally lame when it comes to Halloween nowadays. For instance, back in my day, if we wanted to be a witch, we went to the store, we picked out a cape, and a hat, and we stole a broom from home, etc., etc. and we did face makeup and all of that. And then, if it was cold, which it always was, your parents made you wear a black jogging suit under your cape, which totally cramped your witch vibe. But that's cool.
Obviously, you have to buy some stuff from the store, but not a prepackaged, already put together all-in-one costume. Today, if kids want to be Bob the Builder, they go to the store and pick up the package that says "Contains 1 Bob the Builder" costume. But it's not even REAL CLOTHES. It's this little synthetic fabric onesie thing that you step into and it's got a picture of Bob the Builder's clothes printed on it, and you tie it up in the back and BAM! you're Bob the Builder.
WHERE IS YOUR IMAGINATION, CHILDREN??
If you want to be Bob the Builder, go get some overalls and a checkered shirt, get a hammer and hang it from your belt and get a hard hat. NOW you're Bob the Builder. None of this pansy onepiece no creativity nonsense. Where is the effort??
Listen, kids, you're on notice. Halloween is a priviledge, not a right. If you're going to continue to be lame and not put any effort into Halloween, my generation is going to take it back and give it to the generation after you. Don't make me do it.

Do you remember in elementary school when you'd bring a juice box for lunch, and then you'd lose the straw that was attached ot the front? And then it was really hard to drink, because the school's straws were too big, so you'd have to poke a hole through the foil with your finger and try and suck the juice out. Unless you had a CapriSun, and then you were just screwed. My favorite kind of juice box was Hi-C Double Berry, but we didn't usually get that kind. I think it's because my mom didn't love me.
Also, my school had AWESOME no bake cookies for 15 cents.

I think it might officially be winter. It's 47 degrees here. I've brought out the mittens and hats, and pretty soon it'll be time for the new winter coat I bought a while back.
Thing I didn't think of when moving: Living on the sixth floor was hot as hell. But that was free heat. Living in the basement, I'm wearing gloves while I'm typing. But I'm afraid to turn on our heat, because our energy bill will probably be $2000 dollars if I do.
Bring on the cold...

I really can't stand Gwen Stefani.

Googling

Sometimes, I like to google people I used to know to see what happened to them. So, I'm sitting around googling people, and usually you don't get much besides races they ran or stuff like that, but the other day I hit the jackpot. I found this girl's blog that I went to high school with. And she had links on hers to a bunch of other people that went to my high school too. Yes, I'm nosy. One of them is in the Peace Corp in Eastern Europe and another is building planes for one of those large plane making companies I can't think of and one is a computer programmer. I have to say though, it's more fun when you don't find people from high school who are more prosperous then you.

Wu are you?
So last night, Rob, Alex, Sarah, and I looked up our Wu Names. I can't remember mine, Alex was "Hidden Ninja", and Sarah was something like "Proud Bear" (I can't remember exactly). Kind of normal names, right? Guess what Rob gets? Rob gets "Insane Freak". How hilarious is that. Here's a better site than the one we went to last night.
I took a few minutes to look up my family's Wu-Names, so that we can get used to calling each other them..
Dad- you're "Optimistic Lyricist"
Erin- You're "Sheepish Lord of Chaos"
Danny- You're "My Cousin the Wife-Beatah"
probably the best is my mom, who's Wu-Name is "Budget Nudist". Hmm..
Curtis is "Officer Stinkah"
and Sierra is "Slumbering Pierrot"
So, this is a totally different "Wu-Name Generator" than the one we used last night. Guess what Rob's name is? Flailing Fanatical Killah. Anyone feel like the World of Wu is trying to warn me about Rob?

Picture ExtravaGANzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaa...

Dancin', Dancin', DANCIN'!!!

I worked again tonight, keeping an eye on the Art Space again (much more normal this time). I'm sitting in the hall outside though, because there's no where else to sit and this kid that works there comes out. He's really nice, but.. kind of odd. He was the brains behind the umbilical party. And his name is Levon, which is apparently "La-VON", and not "Leven", like I think it should be. He may have made it up. But that's not the point.
He starts talking to me, and it's the most normal conversation I've ever had with him, he's asking me about my grad program and where I'm from, and he starts talking about once when he was in Detroit, etc., etc. Pleasant and all, right? Except the entire time he's talking to me, he can't stop moving. Not shifting one foot to the other. He's dancing. Doing little twirls and jumps and jazz hands. This is not a lie. At one point in time, mid sentence, he does a cartwheel, his legs hit the wall and he falls.
But,he's not kidding, he's dead serious, and so I have to keep a straight face the whole time and talk about the Renissance Center in Detroit while he's busting into some serious moves.
At the start, he was doing these wierd hand things, and I actually thought he was doing sign language. I'm thinking, "Oh, he's an interpreter or something". But then he does the half splits and I know what I'm dealing with here.
Please ask me to demonstrate, I can't do justice to the wierdness of this situation in a blog.

When you guys aren't looking, I'm going to eat that dog. Cuz it's a THRILLAAAAAAAAAAAA! Thri-la-night..

Yesterday, I bought more candy for my office and I brought it in today. The other GA was there today. I ask you, how many pieces of candy do you think she ate, in the short hour and a half I was there? Yes, I was counting. 7. Seven pieces of candy in under 2 hours. There were about five pieces left when I left. It's big candy! It's the mini candy bars!

You of the candy eating! Enough!

Here is the big bag full of fun things I did today. Dishes, payroll, renewed Rob's license plates, sent out electric and cable bills, called my bank, hid the rest of my candy in a desk. If only everyone's Mondays could be so great.

HOLLA!!! That's right, I'm an elf, bitches! And I've got a fire breathing dragon for anyone who wants to mess with me! YOU WANNA GO?

Power to the People

I got on the avatar site and it turns out they do have a suggestion form you can fill out. Here's the letter I sent them
Hi. I really love the avatars. But, I need A LOT more clothing options for them, as well as some other accesories. For instance, I live in NY and it has been raining here for a solid week now. But my avatar doesn't have an umbrella OR a raincoat. How can I accurately portray my life without these simple essentials? Also- I need more workout clothes (a sweatshirt, perhaps) and some new backgrounds. Also- for the female avatars, all the outfits where they're wearing slick business jackets, they're crossing their arms or holding one arm with the other. This makes them look flighty. How about some confident business women outfits? Also, more pajamas. The one pair they have is less than adorable.
Thanks,
Laura
Oh yeah. I'll be singing in the rain with my new umbrella in no time...

Yeah, I like to exaggerate. But, when I say to you "It's been raining for a week" that is totally and completely true. The rain started last Saturday and hasn't stopped since. Tomorrow is supposed to be the last day and Saturday is supposed to be beautiful, sunny and in the 70's. If I don't float away before then, it will be really, really sweet.
P.S. My avatar doesn't have a raincoat OR an umbrella. If I worked for Yahoo making clothes for these things, I would have been all over that a LONG time ago...

Just now Rob comes out of our room and he's got a Comstock HS shirt on and it's SKIN TIGHT and he says "This shirt got a little small for me, what's that all about?"
I say
"That's because that's my shirt"
It may have been the funniest thing that happened all week.

My mom is a malt making genius. I just tried to pretend like I could make malts too and they turned out all thick and supersweet and Ovaltine-y and not as good as my mom's, despite the fact that I made it the same way she does...

I just drove all over the place looking for a replacement USB cable for my MP3 player. The Geek Squad guy told me I had the right one and so I bought it and took it out of the package and it is most certainly NOT the right one. You failed me, Geek Squad.

Today in the coffee shop the U2 song "One" comes on. Except U2 isn't singing it. Who redoes "One"? There are certain songs that shouldn't be redone. "One" is one of them.
For future reference, here are a few others that should never be redone-
"Hotel California"
"American Pie" (I stand by that, Madonna)
That's all I can think of right now. I'm in a bad mood. I want my MP3 cable.

1. After some serious thought, I'm pretty sure I can say that my 24 year old self would make a lot of fun of my 20 year old self, if they ever met. (This is entirely possible thanks to a little gem of American cinema called Back to the Future..)

2. Both Erin and I hate having our personal space invaded and hearing people chew loudly. Further proof that we are twins, seperated at birth.

Avatar says: "Oh, hi Phil. What? Oh, I'm here for the party. Yeah, I thought you could use someone to accompany that musician. And when we're done here, I thought maybe we could mosey on over to my house and you could FIX MY FRICKING STOVE!"

Karma, My Friend, Is Going to Come Back Around...

Today I'm reading the Daily Email that SLC sends out every morning and there's an ad in there for an Irish musician it says "Looking for the Irish musician who was playing at the Spinning Wheel a few weeks back. I'd like you to come play at a party. Call Phil Whathisname at 555-555-6789."
I'm like Phil Whathisname, Phil Whathisname, why does that name sound familiar? Oh yeah, that's my landlord. Oh yeah, that's my landlord who I called a WEEK ago to tell that our stove is broken and our energy bill is all out of wack and who hasn't called me back yet, despite the reminder note I sent him three days ago through the mail.
Cool, Phil. Nice to know you have time to plan parties but not to call me back. Have your little party. Laugh it up with your friends while I'm cooking dinner in the microwave. Ass.

No more miss nice girl...
So. There's this little hidden back area of the library that's supposed to be superduperquietstudy area, with little desks with lamps and whatnot. I'm the only person in there and I'm trying to write. And then this girl comes in. In between the desk in front of me and mine there's a regular chair. Where do you think the girl chooses to sit. RIGHT THE HELL IN FRONT OF ME. She's like a foot away from me, I swear. THERE ARE TEN DESKS AND A BUNCH OF CHAIRS IN THIS ROOM! WHY MUST YOU SIT IN FRONT OF ME?? Do you want to hear me breathe? What makes it worse is, she turns to me and says "Mind if I sit here?" Why do people even ask that? Because, yes I mind if you sit there, but if I say so, I'm the Evilgirlfromthelibrarywhowouldn'tletmesitinachair. AH!
Also,
I buy candy for the candy dish in my little Grad Assistant office. I get reimbursed for it and all, but I'm the one who goes out and buys it. The other GA is eating all of the freaking candy that I put out. I didn't think much of the fact that I would put an entire bag of candy into the dish and then it would be gone the next day, because there are a lot of students that come in there. And besides, have a few pieces, no big deal. I look in the trash can that we keep hidden under our desk today, and it is FILLED with mini reese's cup wrappers. There's enough tin foil in there to cover a trillion lasagna pans. why. why must you eat all the candy? It totally can't be anyone else, because no one even knows that trash can is down there.

Deconstructing Mariah

I have a problem with this new Mariah Carey song.
Here's the verse-

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us

Okay. So, she's 'speaking from experience', apparently, which means she had her 'first true love', and after him, nothing compared, right?
So, apparently, whoever she's singing to isn't her first true love. And nothing's going to compare to her first true love. So why's she so bent out of shape about him?
Just sayin.

Someone should hire me on a professional level to get nothing done. I am so good at getting nothing done.

This radio station around us is doing this contest where you sign up on their website and tell them what bills you have and how much they're for and they'll call out your name, and if you call back within 30 minutes, they'll pay the bill for you. I'm so giong to win. Just you wait and see.

Dear Dad-
About the taco bell dog. He's there in case I need Taco Bell. The reason I have that other dog right now is because I sent the first dog on a Taco Bell run, but I don't roll without my dogs, so I had to get a stand in until he comes back.

A Few More Things
Number of days this week I didn't get to work on time for absolutely no good reason, including today = 4 (I didn't work Monday)

Look at that, I updated every day this week except for Wednesday. Unheard of.

1. Fall = best time of year, ever.
I heart you, Fall. I love you, 60 degree weather. I love you too, pumpkins.

2. I got my hair cut yesterday, finally. I made an appointment for this place in Bronxville. I look like a boy. Seriously, I went in and told her "I want the exact same haircut, I just want it two inches shorter." What went wrong? I started to see it going very wrong when she was done cutting and started to style my hair. I made the mistake of telling her that I flip my hair up, when what I really meant was that I just kind of mess it up and make it go different directions. Imagine you're standing directly on top of a very very strong fan and, therefore, your hair is flying straight out to the sides. That's what my hair looked like when she was done. My hair was floating around my head like the rings of Saturn. What is the moral of the story? Don't give anyone new a chance. Ever. Be old and crotchity and refuse to go to anywhere but where you're used to, and walk away very, very happy.
change=bad.

Come on, I didn't even have to try to come up with something good...

So I arrive at the party. I go over the rules (ix-nay on the nudity, no lube outside the space, etc.). The hosts are really nice. At one point in time, lube actually touched me and I couldn't stop feeling icky from then on. Then the lights are turned off, they fashion themselves some fig-leaf like covers out of cardboard and wrap themselves in saran wrap. They all have these nasty umbilical-like concoctions made of wire and wax paper and they cover themselves in lube and seem to think it's amusing to hit each other with their umbilical cords. Whatever. It's wierd.
Have you ever had an idea, and you think it's going to be so great and you get everyone excited about it, but when you finally get there and you're doing what you were so excited about, you realize it really isn't that great- but then, you have to pretend it's a blast, because you've built it up so much and it would be totally embarrassing to be like "Oh. This actually isn't fun."
That's what this felt like. After 15 minutes it was like "Okay. We're wrapped in saran wrap hitting each other with fake umbilical cords. Now what?"
I was thinking, "This cannot possibly go on for 2 hours."
And it didn't.
Because after an hour, one of our naked saran wrapped friends slipped on a big puddle of root beer and fell face first into the cement floor. We called security. They called an ambulance. The saran wrap was torn off of him by his friends and replaced with boring old jeans and he was taken away in a stretcher. Naked umbilical cord boy is currently at the hospital getting stitches put into his eyebrow.
Like I always say, "It's all saran-wrappy fun and games, till someone gets a concussion."

Things I'm Not Amused About

This whole umbilical cord thing was funny to begin with, but now that I actually have to go to it, I'm no longer seeing the humor. Apparently the umbillical cords will be constructed out of
1. lube. they have 6-8 drums of lube.
2. saran wrap
3. fake blood

This is seriously disgusting. And they're all trying to act like they're going to walk around semi-nude. I swear to you, if I see one single naked person I am going to shut that party down and go home so fast you wont even believe it.
Also. They're going to be covered in lube. Do you know how long it's going to take the floor to get covered in lube and for someone to fall and crack their head on the floor? About 10 seconds. I don't do cracked heads. I operate on a strict no-blood or cracked body parts policy. Seriously, do I even get paid enough for this? Let me answer that for you. No.

Time: 7:51 in the a.m.
State of wakefullness: glasses off and contacts in, but still in p.j.'s
Number of times I've changed avatar's clothes since waking up: 4
Number of times I've had Cream of Wheat this week, including today: 5

Today is the day of blessed matrimony of Erin and Scurvis Leipold, and on this very special day, I have written for you an original piece of poetry. Inspired almost entirely by my avatar's outfit.

Baseball Love Poem in Honor of Your Anniversary
Oh, love
Your love is like a line drive to first base
When all the other guys were just
Out in left field
It's okay if you're just a short
stop
you know I love you.
Before you came along I was just running
the bases
(it's true, I had a lot of
homeruns)
But they meant nothing till you
bundted into my life, stole first base and my
heart.
Sent me a curveball of love.
Now you can't keep your mitt off of me.
Oh, and
It's just the beginning of the inning
baby
we got a lot of strikes to go
till we're
out.

Snaps, yo, snaps

One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is not the same...

So, Bronxville has this gentleman, whom I presume is a bum.
**Note- I want you all to know that I sat there for a few minutes and tried to come up with a more P.C. term than 'bum'. I couldn't think of anything.
Anyhow, he's always walking around Bronxville, or sitting on benches in front of the bar, and he has a serious case of the shakes, and kind of a crazy limp, and he wears very different clothing and he's an all-around odd looking guy. I'm not trying to be down on the guy, I'm just telling you the facts, here.
So the other day we're walking somewhere and he's coming around the corner, and Rob nods at him and says "How are you?"
Okay, admit it, you're expecting him to say something wierd, or talk in a cracked out voice, or something like that.
He says "I'm very good, thank you." In a totally non-crazy, 'I'm not a guy with the shakes' voice. Totally normal voice.
So we walk a little farther and then we turn to each other and go "What the hell was that?"
So now, I'm feeling bad, I'm thinking, "That guy isn't a bum, Laura. He just has a disorder or something. You just presume he's a bum because he has a little shakey-limpy problem."

Not a week later, we're coming out of the pizza place and there he is sitting on the bench talking to an old woman saying "Well, actually, the current administration..."
and again, I'm like, 'you're terrible, Laura'.

And then yesterday, we're walking up to the track, and there he is bent over a trash can, picking out the cans.

Can someone explain this to me?
My sister (super sleuth extraordinaire) thinks he might be Jimmy Hoffa, hiding out.

Does this not sound like a Hallmark movie? homeless man with secret past moves to town, people ridicule, people find out he is smart, man teaches town a lesson they'll never forget and in the end, the local university invites him as a lecturer and grants him an honorary degree. He stands at the podium, tears streaming down his face, as the town gives him a standing ovation, no longer so narrow-minded as to believe that we can judge people's worth based on appearance. *sigh*

Tasty Little Crackers

Have you ever had Kashi crackers?? There just these little wheat crackers, and they're really good.. except, I swear they make your breath so bad it's unreal. Even after you brush your teeth you can't get rid of the cracker breath.

Got nothing done today.
This is my "Going to watch Laguna Beach later on" outfit. Don't even act like this isn't something Kristin would wear.

Here I go to the library! But not until I make a delicious bowl of Cream O' Wheat for breakfast...
p.s. Cute skirt, right? Yeah, I'm not wearing that. I'm wearing a sweatshirt and, right now, some workout pants, and whether or not I change into jeans before I go is a toss up. Also, I haven't done my hair like that (or at all). I do have that squirrel following me around though. Wierd.

Eeeyahhhrr!

Say Hello To My Little Friend..

The person to the right of my screen here, is my avatar. It's this thing on yahoo that Sarah told me about, where you can make a little you and then change your clothes to match. For instance, I just happen to be wearing an ice capades outfit today, so I gave my avatar person one too. Oh so fun. And I get a pet panda. You should also get an avatar. Everyone's doing it. Don't be lame.

On to other things...
TONIGHT IS THE SEASON PREMIER OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Fiiiinnallllllllllyyy...
That new neighbor better be scandalous.
And now, I am off to Union Square where Zadie Smith, my very favorite author of all time will be signing my copy of her book and then saying "You're a writer? Oh, really? Why don't you send me something you wrote and I'll give it to my publisher and make you as uber-famous and well loved and respected as I am."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Right.
Me: OHHIZADIEIJUSTLOVEYOUYOU'REMYFAVORITEAND..
Her: what's your name?
Me: OHMYNAMEISLAURAANDIJUSTFINISHEDYOUR
Her: here you go. Next?

There's this site called overheardinny.com, where people write in funny things they heard people say. It's hours of entertainment. I think this is my favorite.

"I am going to learn Aramaic so Jesus can understand me."
--Central Park

Also, this..

Girl: Mom, how long do you think the turtle will live?
Mother: What do I look like, a f**king turtle connoisseur?

--Canal & West Broadway

You think you can hide??

A girl on the bus into the city today saw Lenny Kravitz crossing the street. Another girl walked past Matt Damon in the East Village. Alex sat next to Rachel Dratch on the subway, and Sara saw Al Roker.
WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN ONE SINGLE FREAKING FAMOUS PERSON?! Blossom. I've met freaking Blossom, that's my brush with fame. Oh, I'll find you famous people, you can't hide forever...

guess what, people upstairs? If you don't stop walking so loud, I'm going to come up there and walk on your face.

Cut the Cord!

Oh, SLC. Sometimes, it's as if you exist just so I'll have things to blog about. Yesterday, I'm talking to my boss and she's like "there's an art space party on the 25th that either you or the other GA needs to monitor". So, I volunteer, because Art Space is really easy and low key and if I do this, then the other GA has to do the next thing, which will most likely be a big party (bwahahaha!). So my boss is like, "ok". And then she starts laughing. I'm like "what?" and she says "oh, no, you already said you'd do it, you can't back out now."
They're having an "Umbilical Cord Party".
What the hell is an umbilical cord party.
Oh, let me TELL you.
They're going to make umbilical cords out of paint and goo and god knows what else, and then they're going to attach them to their stomachs and walk around like that.
Could someone explain to me why you would do that?
No, really.
I can't come up with a single reason.
THEY'RE MAKING ARTS AND CRAFTS UMBILICAL CORDS.
just in case you missed it.
Wouldn't you have loved to sit in on the art managers brainstorming meeting for that? You have got to have some serious guts to say out loud to a group of people "I know! Art umbilical cords!" and seriously think that people are going to back you up on that.
This is totally going to sick me out.

I buy trail mix and act like I'm all healthy, but then I just pick the M&M's out of it.

Mind If I Procrastinate?

I have a story due tomorrow and the whole things done, except I need to go back through and just make small changes and tighten it up and all, but for some reason, I just can't bring myself to concentrate. So I thought I'd go ahead and procrastinate here...
Some Things-
1. I dance like a white girl.
I joined a gym tonight because I need classes, I'm bored to death of the machines. So I went to kickboxing and all was going well until the end when she decides to put some music on and do some latin dancing to end the class. I am one of the few white girls in the class, and I cannot dance like these women. I am telling you these women have some serious moves. She had us doing this hip thing, which turned into a butt thing, and I am telling you, they can move their butt as if it's independent of the rest of their body. Me? I look like I have an uncomfortable wedgie. After a while, it was just painful to see myself in the big mirror up front, so I went and got a really long drink at the water fountain. How come no one ever asks us to do the Roger Rabbit?? Seriously, I would be the envy of all...

2. Ugly Lamp
So I do this thing called freecycle, where people post things they no longer want/need and you can claim them. Some of the things are nice. Some, not so nice. This lady posted that she had a lamp, and my desk lamp just died, so I wrote back and said I wanted it. The way she described it, it sounded kind of pretty. So we drive over to pick it up and she's left it on the front porch for me in a plastic bag. We pull up in front of the house and I see the look on Rob's face. It looked like she had cleaned out her entire house and put it on the front lawn for about a million freecycle people to come pick up. Except she hadn't. There were lounge chairs in the flower beds. Like, behind the flowers. I don't get that. Anyhow, Rob's got this look on his face and I'm trying to be positive so I say "Well.. maybe they just had a garage sale recently." Rob says "Yeah, maybe they had a crap sale recently." Anyhow, the point is, the lamp is the most godforsakenly ugly thing I've ever seen. We took it out of the bag and we laughed and LAUGHED and laughed and laughed. What if I furnished an entire house with freecycle stuff? It would be the most hilarious thing ever.

3. Van
I took my van driving test today and I am officially a van driver. This means that I can take out SLC's vans and basically drive them where I want to and waste their gas instead of my own.

And now, back to the story...

When Rob calls his students' parents on the phone he talks in a New York accent without realizing it.
Uh, yeah, Hi, I'm Mr. MacInnis and im ca-walling about your son.

Who invented this brown and tan with speck linoleum that always looks dirty? It's like, designed to look dirty. I'm cleaning the kitchen here (I know, I know, amazement), and after everything's done I sweep and mop the floor and I'm scrubbing on the linoleum with the mop and after I'm all done it doesn't look a bit different because I have Imitation Dirt Linoleum.

Oh, Bronxville/Stepford Pt. 2

So, first a little backstory-
We park our car 5 minutes away from the house because Bronxville doesn't allow overnight parking on the street in the village and the parking lots are $120 a month. So, right over the bridge from us is technically not the village, so we can park overnight.
Okay, begin story-
So I get to my car this morning and there's this typed sheet of paper that says
This area is 2 hour Residential parking, not Bronxville or Commuter parking. Yonkers Parking Authority will ticket if called.
I'm sorry? What's that? Do I hear a threat?
Oh yeah, lady, I know who you are. You're the one who's always out gardening by the curb who gives me the evil eye when I park.
It would be one thing if it was really busy over there and the residents couldn't find a space, but there's TONS of parking. Besides, they all have GARAGES over there.
So I took my little note and went down to the Yonkers Police Station and asked them if it was legit where I was parking, and they're like "yeah, that's perfectly fine, that's just a resident trying to scare you." And I got the officers names, in case Hawkeye Curb Gardner wants to give me any crap about it.
Tonight I'm going to put this note on the inside of my windshield-
Dear Anonymous Note Leaver-
Thank you for your concerns about my parking. I took your note down to the Yonkers Police Department and they said that where I was parking was perfectly legal. This side of the street is neither 2 hour parking nor designated as residential. Thanks for your concern, however.
Aw yeah, Bronxville, what's up now? You wanna mess with me? I'll take you down. And THEN I'll do a little dance in you curb garden.

Oh, Stepford/Bronxville-

Tonight we went out to dinner with Sarah and Alex. As we're standing outside the Asian Bistro chatting and patiently waiting for our table, a duck flies smack into the glass window of the store next door. You'd be surprised how loud a noise a duck flying into a window makes. Anyhow, this duck is writhing in agony on the sidewalk beside us, little webby feet are flying up above him, and we've all got these horrible looks on our faces because we're watching this animal in some serious agony. If no one had been there but me, I would say that he was making these horrific lamentful quacks, but there were other people there, so I can't lie.

Anyhow, Cruella Deville in front of us however, was having none of this duck-dying business. She turns away and she's like "Could someone please.." and makes this hand motion, like, suggesting that someone kill the duck and put it out of it's flailing misery. Well, two seconds later, the duck gets up and walks away. Seriously. Why you gotta give up on the duck so easily? Why don't you give him a chance? Why you gotta send him to the big pond in the sky before it's his time? I believe in you, duck.

God Save Us

Real life quote from a Reality TV Show I watched tonight.
"I know my kid's a slut, but when you find something you're good at..."
Everything I see on MTV makes me fear the 18 and under crowd.

I think this is what it would be like to grocery shop on acid...

We went to the scariest place ever yesterday. We barely made it out alive. So there's this 'grocery store' (I use the term loosely) that we drive by all the time, but it's like, way up on the hill and I just see the sign. But yesterday I bought this wine holder thing for the fridge, and I wanted to try it out, but for some reason, you cannot find wine anywhere around us after like, 7pm, but I knew this place had a wine area. So I say "Let's Go."
It was like, Grocery Store Disney Land. First of all, there are people EVERYWHERE. On the outside portion, it's all local food, as well as a snack bar that serves full dinners as well as hotdogs, hamburgers, ice cream, clam chowder.
Whatever, fine.
So we go inside. The place is not set up like a grocery store where there are aisles right next to one another. It's a maze. You have to go through the entire thing to get out, and if you forget something, you have to walk all the way back to the beginning. The first thing that bothers me- the 10 foot singing Chiquita Banana dis
play. But, I'm thinking, "oh, this is this place's big draw, people come here for the dancing banana."
No.
As I came to the milk section, there was a giant cow mooing above us. In the water section there was a 10 foot pine tree that sang "Sip, sip, sip. Glug, glug, glug. I love water, now give me a hug!" Halfway through the store a giant straw shack is built- it says 'sushi' above the door and all the foods from around the world are in there. There was a band of Bears playing Banjos above the salad bar and a electric train flying above the check out line.
So I was almost done, but all I needed was a can of cream corn for the corn chowder we were making. At this point I realize I haven't seen a single can of anything the entire time I've been there, and I know I'm in trouble, but I decide to ask anyways. So I find the info lady and I'm like "Is there any canned corn here?" and she gives me this laugh and she's like "Oh, no! There's nothing in cans here! This is all Farm Fresh Foods!"
Which is cool, except when you need something in a can.
What, like I'm going to cream the damn corn myself? I'm thinking no.

Our House, Is a Veryveryvery Loud House.

Don't get me wrong, I love our new place. Really really love it. But there are these two things-
1. Whoever the hell lives above us...
Is the loudest damn family known to man. I'm not talking, oh, the walls are thin and you can hear them talking. I never hear any voices. Footsteps. The kids, who I've never seen, run back and forth, back and forth, in a room that must be no larger than 15ft. Back and forth, Back and forth. But it doesn't just sound like running. Rob thinks maybe they have a WWF ring up there. Seriously, it's the loudest thing known to man. The kids aren't so much what bothers me though. There is a lady (who I've never seen) in high heels up there. Clip clop clip clop. But not exactly like that. Imagine the clip clop, and then imagine that it was like (following the WWF Family theme) Hulk Hogan in cement high heels. And always at like, 6am. Yesterday I woke up to her clipclop madness and told Rob I wanted to pierce my skull with her high heel if it would just make it all go away... My real question is PEOPLE, WHERE ARE YOU ALL WALKING TO? YOUR APARTMENT IS NO BIGGER THAN MINE!! THERE IS NO NEED FOR ALL THIS WALKING!! WE HAVE A BACKYARD, CHILDREN! RUN THERE!! which leads me to my second problem...
2) Where the hell are all these people??
There are 7 apartments in our building. One is ours, one is this really nice family that we talk to sometimes, and one is BatBoy and his friend. That means that there are four other families (including Wrestlemania Family) that I have never seen before. I've lived here for two months now!! Where the heck are all these families?? It really wierds me out that they're holed up in their apartment and never come out, how is it possible that we've never passed them coming in or out or anything?? The really nice family has 2 super cute kids who are always playing in the front yard, why don't the wrestlemania kids play too?
It's all way too wierd.

Dear Campus Cafeteria-
Okay, listen, about the pizza. Enough already. There are other things in the world to serve besides pizza. Zillions of things. How about a little pasta salad? Pasta salad is good! Or maybe a decent looking salad (what's that? No, no, I said decent looking)? Do you know what I had today instead of the pizza? A cheese sandwich. I thought it was turkey with cheese, but then I opened it up and it turns out it's just like, 10 slices of cheese on bread. And then I though to myself, "Hmm.. cheese on bread, what does this remind me of? Oh, yeah, PIZZA. Whatever. I challenge you to make something that doesn't contain cheese or bread.
Thanks,
Laura

P.S. Hey! you know when you take the pizza and you put it on a bagel instead of regular crust?? Yeah, that's still pizza.

Last night I rode a mechanical bull and stayed on for 18 seconds. That's 10 seconds longer than Luke Perry. If you want to challenge me to a ride-off, I guess I'm willing, but I think you're kidding yourself.

Rob and I just had a nice sit down dinner of chicken on top of salad. The only thing about sitting down for dinner is we don't have any chairs. Luckily, we're in the basement apartment, right across the hall from the storage area. Someone else in the house is storing their dining room table in there, so anytime we want to sit down to eat or we have company over, we just go over there and steal their chairs.

Fiction Eye for the Tough Guy

What the hell is it with the guys around here? I cannot go and sit in any type of restaurant setting without hearing someone talking about 'how they are', or hearing a sentence that starts out 'I'm the kind of guy who..'. My favorite was (overheard in a diner)
"Look, I'm the kinda guy, you make a mistake, but no one gets hurt? I'm alright with you. But you make a mistake and one of my kids gets hurt? I'm gonna stab you through the heart 24 times with a steak knife."
The whole 'i'm the kinda guy' thing, yeah, annoying. But what really concerns me is the specifics of this guy. He's not going to 'kill you', he's not going to 'punch you in the face', he's going to stab you with a steak knife 24 times in the heart. The eerie specifics of this lead me to believe one of two things- he has either
A. Sat around thinking "hmm.. someone hurts my kid, what am I gonna do? I gotta be prepared. I'm gonna stab him. But with what? How about an ice pick. Nah, probably won't be able to find one. A razor blade? Nah, not big enough. How about a steak knife? Yeah, all those serated edges, that'll hurt. And I'm gonna do it 24 times, cause that was my pops number on the pick up baseball team, and I'll be like 'yo, this one is for you, pops."
B. Actually stabbed someone, in the heart, and counted how many times he did it.

Yesterday, I overheard a first date. Painful. It made me want to get up and move to another table because I couldn't stand the awkwardness. After explaining to his date that he was "The kind of guy, who, you know, one night I'll be at home relaxing and I won't want to go anywhere, but then the next night you can call me at 2 in the mornin and be like, hey, Mike, we're in the city just gettin hammered and I'll be like "hey, I'll be on the next train*. I'm like, up for anything, I'm all over the place."
*(note- this was a retarded thing to say, since there are no trains from Bronxville to the city at 2am)
He then proceeded to tell her how he "almost got robbed this one time"
"So like, I'm up in Northern New York and I'm getting something from this convenience store by the hotel, and these two guys they come up to me by the register and they're like "Hey, you're not from around here, are you?" and I'm like "No", and then they start following me, back to the hotel, but I'm not really worried about it. And then one of them is like "Hey, aren't you afraid we're gonna rob you?" and I'm like "you wouldn't be that stupid."...pause...laugh.."they're like expecting me to be all worried and I'm like, "You wouldn't be that stupid" (he told her that part twice, for emphasis..). So then I get to the hotel and they walk in behind me and the desk clerk says "are these guys with you?" and I'm like "No, I never seen them before." and then all the sudden they're gone.

Hold up.

That's the time you almost got robbed? At what point during that story were you almost getting robbed? And seriously, the hotel clerk scared them off? They must have been seriously tough.
Here's what I'm thinking. Guy 1 needs to talk to Guy 2, give him some story/how he is pointers. Guy 2 needs some steak knives in that story if he wants some girl to go for it. Chicks dig steak knives.

There Really, REALLY, Is No Accounting For Taste

Someone bid on Rob's ugly ass coat. For years I've been telling him that I'm not going out anywhere with him if he's going to wear it. I've been singing Highway to the Danger Zone and calling him IceMan. I've been telling him to sell it for $3 in a garage sale or donate it to charity.
He says to me "No way, that's a great coat, I'll put it up on ebay, I can get like, $50 for it."
I tell him "Only if the bidder is legally blind."
Someone is paying $50 for this thing.

I was promised a high of 88 today. By 9 am it was already 90. Now, at 10:30, it's 92. The heat index is 109.

This is what I'd look like if I had bottle caps insted of eyes (and other pictures)

Holy Crap, It's Hot

According to weather.com it's 99 degrees here, with a heat index of 107. You know how you feel when you've got pasta boiling in a pot and you lean over it and get that blast of hot air in your face? It's like that, only constantly. And yet, what did I see in downtown Bronxville? Some guy out jogging. Seriously, guy, I admire your commitment to health and all, but you're going to kill yourself.

Things which are sweet-
1.There's this site, www.freecycle.org, where people post things that they no longer want and other people claim the stuff- kind of like ebay, but the rule is everything has to be free. So I got this sweet minifridge from this girl on there. We're moving in to our new offices for Student Affairs where I'll be working next year, and I'm going to put it in my office (did I mention I get my own office? OH YEAH..) and have frosty cold beverages...
2. I'm selling something on ebay right now- it's a mat cutter (for matting pictures)and I'm all excited because people are bidding on it, but I was worried because I was missing a piece. The thing I was missing was the production stop, it's this little piece of metal less than an inch long, and it's not necessary but I'm like, 'people are going to freak out and demand their money back'. What do I find when I'm cleaning out the Honda, at the bottom of the pouch on the back of the seat? Oh yes, that production stop. What are the chances that it would be there??
And lastly, the most disgusting thing I saw today-
We were on our way into the store when I notice the guy in front of us flossing. Walking through the parking lot flossing his teeth. Gross. But then, when he's done, he throws the big long string of floss on the ground. Walk ten more steps and put it in the trash can? No, thanks, I'll just throw my spit covered string on the ground here.
Now I'm going to hide in the only air conditioned room in our apartment.

Rhonda and I have one last moment together...

Eulogy To Rhonda

Oh, Rhonda. Yours was a simple life. You were so selfless, always wanting what was best for me. Always, "No, Laura, go ahead. Go inside the air conditioned house while I sit here in the driveway, baking in the sun until my leather cracks. I'll be here when you need me." Or, "No, Laura, I will spin my wheels in the snow once more for you, because you're too retarded to realize that you're making it worse."

I am sorry for the following things, Rhondito.
-I'm sorry that I didn't clean you more often. I'm sorry that your floor is covered almost completely in pennies and/or pop cans. I'm sorry for that one time I spilled ice cream in your cup holder and instead of cleaning it up, I just closed the cup holder lid and left you like that for a year, until my dad found it and pulled the cup holder out and put it through the dishwasher. What can I tell you, I'm a dirt ball.
-Sorry for that time I put you in reverse and drove you directly into Rob's house.
-Sorry for that time I was at a gas station and the guy in front of me started to back up, but instead of honking your horn I just waived my hands around and he hit you.
-Sorry that you only got a bath once a year.
-Sorry for whatever I did to your radio.
-Sorry for that time I parked you at Olde Peninsula and someone hit you and sent you flying across the parking lot.
-Sorry for letting you get broken into twice last year.

But all that aside, I loved you Rhonda. Somebody old and dead once said "We hurt the ones that we love the most", Rhonda Rhondito, so I must have loved you a whole hell of a lot. Drive off into the sunset, Rhonda. You'll have to hum to yourself or something because your radio doesn't work. Also, you probably won't get that far, because there's no gas in your tank right now, and something's wrong with your catalytic converter. Oh, and also, your check engine light is on. But you drive anyways, Rhonda. You go, girl.


R.I.P.
Rhonda Honda
1996-2005

If you were sitting here beside me at my desk in the Bursar's office you would actually be able to see my soul slowly leaving my body because this job is sucking the life out of me.
This, however, is helping to pass the time while simultaneously making a fool of me.
Damn you, Vermont! What the hell are you doing way up there by Maine?? Get back down here by Connnecticut where I put you!!
The shape of Maine reminds me of the Arby's hat or oven mit or something. I'm not sure which, but when I see Maine I think of Arby's. And I don't even like Arby's.
Rhonda's getting hauled away tomorrow and I still have to clean all of my junk out of her. I'm going to find a big dumpster, park beside it and just fling everything in there. Of course, I'll open the trunk and see things in there and go "Oh, I could use that", but seriously, that stuff has been in there for an entire year, since I moved here, and if you don't use it in a year, you probably don't need it...

This fact has never stopped me before.

Had an egg sandwich for lunch. Not too bad, not too bad.

Somehow, I run different on my left side and every time I run I build up a blister on my left big toe, one right on top of another. If you could see my big toe right now, you'd be disgusted. There's dead skin everywhere. Have a nice night.

Help me, Rhonda, Help, Help, me Rhonda...

In sad news, Rhonda Honda is closing in on her last days with me.. As of tonight she has been donated to a charitable organization that will come tow her away while I stand in the middle of the road waving my last goodbye.

She's actually still OK, but something like a muffler or a catalytic converter, something that sounds innocent enough but will end up costing me a million trillion dollars, needs to be replaced and is making her sound like a go cart. Don't get me wrong, I like go carts. But she isn't going to make it back to Michigan, anyhow, so I figure I'll donate her now while she's still running and I can get a good tax credit for her...

Tune in Friday for the special tribute blog- "Keep on Truckin': The Laura and Rhonda story." You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll realize I have too much time on my hands...

Some Kazoo Pictures

Rob's feeling confused lately. He's exploring his inner princess.








Outtakes From Visiting Rob's Grandparents

Today we visited Rob's very nice but over-90 and somewhat senile grandparents. It may have been one of the most hilarious hours of my life. Here are some conversation samples.
GP= Rob's grandpa
GM= Rob's grandma

GP: "Rob did you listen to those books on CD?"
GM: "He doesn't have time to listen to those!"
GP: "What do you mean he doesn't have time? He's on vacation!"
GM: "He doesn't have a CD player in his car"
GP: "Well, give him our car!"
GM: "Our car doesn't have a CD player"
silence. cricket cricket.
GP: "Oh."

GM: "Oh, look! Grandpa didn't get any food in his lap today!!"
awkward silence
Rob: "Uh.. good job, grandpa."

At one point I had to go in the bathroom and laugh because I couldn't control myself. It was a good time.
I chopped my hair off. I'm talking chopped like it doesn't even go to my chin anymore.

Tomorrow, when I figure out how to get pictures off of Danny's camera, I'll put up Kalamazoo pictures and a post about it. For now, bed time.

Current Mood:  ha

In great Winther family tradition I've come home and stolen all the new things that my family has gotten since I was last home.
So far I've acquired Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego and Oregon Trail II, as well as a Sparty keychain from Danny. By far the best thing though, is a shirt that Danny got from this site. He has (and by that, I mean I now have) the Hippo shirt. I want the Oregon Trail one.

My neighbors are doing one of the following things:
1. Having a big fight
2. Having a fun party
3. Proclaiming their everlasting love for one another to the world

I can't tell which because they're speaking Spanish, but whatever they're doing, they're doing it with some serious conviction.

I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tonight. I seriously loved it. Johnny Depp did the wierdest Willy Wonka, it was great.

And now for bed because I have a whole day jam-packed with Bursar's Office fun just waiting for me in the morning. I'll be up all night in giddy anticipation.

90% of the girls on MTV wear way too much makeup, and it makes them look like transvestites.

Current Mood:  immersed in the stench that just won't end

Smelly Dogs, Smelly Dogs, What Are They Feeding You?

You know, considering that I have never liked dogs, I think I've been pretty good about the whole dogwalking/dogsitting thing. I've reached the end of my rope. Listen, these dogs SMELL. Seriously, how is it possible that anything can smell this bad? I'm not talking about I catch a wiff of dog breath every once in a while, I mean the whole house smells. Abnormally so. I'm constantly walking around the house thinking that one of them has had an accident. And one of them just got sprayed by a skunk and you can still smell it on her.
The situation is not helped by the fact that they seem to be stalking me. It doesn't matter what I do, if i get up they get up and follow me into the next room. I'M GETTING CLAUSTROPHOBIC.
I have to go now. And it has nothing to do with the season premiere of Laguna Beach.

Current Mood:  just woke up from a nap
Currently Playing:  'Too Hot' Coolio

I've been swallowed by the television...

For like the last seven months or so I've totally not been into anything on TV except for Desperate Housewives, so when that ended in the beginning of May we've barely turned on the TV. Entire weeks have passed where the TV hasn't been turned on.
That seems to be over.
TLC got some sweet shows while I was on TV vacation. There's one called Moving Up that I really like, but my favorite is Property Ladder. It's about 'flippers', who buy real estate, renovate it inexpensively and sell it to make a profit. My sister would be an AWESOME flipper, as she is the queen of home improvement.
Also looking forward to Hogan Knows Best, and I'm not proud of that....

I Heart Wet Dogs
I get to old lady's house today, and it's raining quite heavily here, so I'm expecting her to say "Laura, you don't have to walk her in the rain."
No. No, that's not what she said.
Anyone else walked around for a halfhour in a downpour lately?
The dog was none too pleased either and kept shaking itself off right next to me, so not only was I sopping wet, I was sopping wet in dog-water.
Do you know what the lady said to me when I got back to the house? She starts laughing and says "WELL! You must be soaking wet!"
are we being serious here?
Then I went home and changed before going back to work, but I haven't done laundry in a while so I end up wearing light blue athletic pants with a light green hoodie. I look colorblind.
On the upside, I'm having pizza for dinner.
Buuuutt.. that doesn't quite make it right.

Current Mood: I hate going to work
Currently Playing: Cruel Summer

Today is a Detroit Zoo Day. When I was in fifth grade we went on this field trip to the Detroit Zoo and my dad chaperoned, and you know how excited you were on the morning of a field trip when you were getting ready to go to school, but you knew you were going somewhere exciting and you got there and they put you in a group with your friends? PLUS, your parent was the chaperone. Well that particular day happened to be warm and kind of muggyish with lots of chirping birds, and we left in the morning when it wasn't very light out, so anytime it's like that outside it reminds me of Detroit Zoo Day.
On another Detroit Zoo fieldtrip I was in Megan Bennett's group and I got sick and puked in a trash can. Buuuutt.. I don't remember that as fondly.
I think the the Mini/Mini Plan has officially failed. My mom is miniature, only five feet tall, so we call her Mini. We knew she was getting a new car soon, because Danny's getting her car, so we were thinking, wouldn't it be great if Mini got a Mini Cooper?
She nixed it big time and she thinks she wants a Corolla instead.
Let's compare-
Min's hair blowing back in this cute, stylish Mini Convertible...

OR! Mini's... Antenna blowing back in this.. Corolla...

Let's have a vote. Should Min go for the Mini Cooper, her namesake? Or for the Bore-olla? I mean, Corolla? As a third option, I'd like to suggest this Tacoma for Min to rule the road in


And, what the hell, as a fourth option, how about this?


Oh yeah, Min, tearin up the Dunes...
My mom's never going to speak to me again.
Vote for your favorite in the comments, I feel confident it will have a profound impact on her decision.

This is a test. This is only a test.

Current Mood:  Cheerios with Bananas happy
Currently Playing:  Galileo, Indigo Girls

I love McSweeneys.
What To Do When Aliens Invade

Letters I've Been Meaning to Send

Dear Pharmecutical Companies-
Just read this on CNN. Okay, so I'm not a scientist, I know. So I got a D in Chemistry in High School. Still, I feel like I can confidently say, your product isn't exactly working, you know? Time to go back to the lab..
Love, Laura

Dear Desk I Bought for $5 from Kalamazoo College-
cc: ugly mishapen mattress
piece of crap futon frame held together with tape

I'm sorry to break the news to you but you've all been diagnosed with Terminal Crappiness and have exactly 12 months to live. Please understand, you are only still with us because we are not currently in a position to replace you. But this will be your final home. You've been put on notice, you will never see Michigan again. Enjoy your time here, it is limited. Maybe I'll put you all in the backseat of Rhonda Honda and you guys can do the Thelma and Louise thing.
Thanks and all, but we'll be seeing you.
Laura

So, we're at the track last night at 10, and I'm stretching and we're getting ready to go when this lady comes up to us all exasperated and says "Did you SEE that?!?!" Let me first tell you that the entire time we've been there, this woman has been standing on the side of the track flailing her arms around in some type of bizarre stretch/exercise thingy. Anyways, we're like "what?" and she's like "this homeless man! he was digging through the garbage! he was getting cans out! he was crazed (that is verbatim, she said 'he was crazed')!', he kept running into everything! I was scared!" Okay, I saw this guy, and he was not crazed, he was just collecting cans. But, exactly how do you say that to her? So I'm like "oh yeah?" and she says "I've never seen anything like it!" Rob, unlike me, does not feel the need to be nice to crazies. He says, very sarcastically, "You've never seen someone going through the trash?". So I hit him. This lady then goes on to tell me about how, in a town 20 minutes away, they take hardened criminals from the jails and allow them to come into town on a bus and walk around. She tells me they let rapists and murders out to shop. Eh he. Right lady. Anyways, Rob proceeds to put his headphones on and completely ignore the lady, while I am stuck there for a good 10 minutes while she tells me all about how there are criminals roaming the streets. How do these people find me?

The new apartment is awesome jawsome (copyright 2005, Dan Winther). The internet and cable were hooked up today and there will be pictures, but not right now because there are still boxes everywhere and it'll just look like a giant mess. I have a bedroom. An actual room that I can go into and shut the door, besides the bathroom.
This is real progress, people.

Just bought Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I'm going to read it and love it and I don't care if the only other people I can discuss it with are 13.
This is the blog of my friend Alex who is also in the fiction program. The idea is, he was hired to watch digital cable and blog about it. Read it and leave comments, he updates it all the time..

Fair Warning

Ninjas
from McSweeneys

Tragically, the deadliest silent killer in America is one you can do precious little about. The ninja is trained from childhood, after the elders have determined the potential candidate possesses outstanding physical gifts.

Testing for sufficient physical rigor involves trials such as the nonstop 50-mile run. In order to keep a sufficient pace, the ninja applicant is to run at a speed sufficient to keep a mat from slipping off his chest.

Once the strongest applicants are selected, usually by the age of 4, they are given 15 years of intense physical, mental, and spiritual training.

Now when we say silent, we mean silent. Training for the ninja involves mastering such skills as walking on twigs without breaking a single one and moving in on an opponent while carrying an armful of bells. Even if you are always looking over your shoulder, which is advised, the mature ninja will be able to catch you off-guard.

What can you do to stay proactive? Experts have three recommendations, each of which is accompanied by the standard ninja-precaution caveat: It probably won't work.

First, hire a decoy. A good decoy will make your daily existence safer by performing activities such as taking the direct route to your workplace while you take a new, secretive route each day. If you are unable to afford a decoy, a mannequin designed to resemble you will do in a pinch, at least for things like "sleeping" in bed while you hide in the closet. But what, exactly, are you saving your money for?

Second, move. The ninjas know where you live. You may buy some time if you move out of town, as in yesterday.

Third, run! It is too late. The decoy resembles you no more. The ninjas have found where you live. Perhaps you could set a place mat on your chest and run so fast that it doesn't move an inch because of your bullet-train-grade velocity. There is a slight possibility that your ninja isn't going to be able to keep up, once you pass the 50-mile point. Good luck with that.

Already on the run? Excellent. Stay healthy.

Current Mood:  tired
Currently Playing:  Take the Money and Run, Steve Miller Band

A few things of note:
*I got my car washed today for the first time in a year. It's shiny and sparkly and they put air in my tires too.
*Ode to No Bake Cookies by Laura
Oh, mysterious no bakes
how does one achieve your oat-y greatness?
I love you so much and
yet
I no-bake you and you
no-harden
*New apartment in T minus eleven days
*Old lady #1 spoke to a friend who's going away for three weeks and now I'm also housesitting for Old Lady #2
*Actual quote from Old Lady #2- "You can come by and talk to me any time next week. I'll be at home pretty much all week because Wimbledon is on, you know."
*Had a barbeque with lots of other fiction program grad students last night and had a great great time.
*A new segment, called Great ideas by my sister Erin-
-"I think we should take all the money we have and get a time machine and go back in time to live, because if we had as much money back then as we do now, we'd be rich."
*Went garage saling with Rob-bot Saturday and bought this desk thing for $7, which we are both in love with now. Picture to follow.
*Went to an estate sale and it was pretty apparent that the woman who had lived there had been in love with Nutcrackers. Nutcracker salt and pepper shakers, nutcracker wooden cut outs, nutcracker candles, a huge nutcracker christmas light thing for the front yard. It crossed the line when I walked into the living room and there was a seven foot wooden nutcracker as big around as a tree.
Rob and I leaving the house-
Me: Woah. What the hell was up with the Nutcrackers?
Rob: What nutcrackers?
Me: Rob! That woman's entire house was filled with nutcrackers!@!
Rob: I didn't see any nutcrackers.
*Going to see Batman Begins now.

DID RAY GET SACKED???

Today I get a memo under my door "We are happy to announce the appointment of Frank Suchandsuch to the position of Building Superintendent. We would also like to thank Ray for his years of service and wish him luck in his future endeavors."
Do you think Ray got fired?? Who fires Ray?

Here's a fun game Rob and I played last night. If you want to vote for my plate, feel free to say so.

Current Mood:  Packing up and Movin' Out
Currently Playing:  Well we're movin on u-up. To the East siy-yide. To a dee-lux apartment. In the sky-yi-yi!

WERE MOVING!!

Hooray!! So we're not moving to the apartment mentioned in the previous post, as it is very very tiny and too small for two people. But we found another apartment about a half mile from that one- It's a one bedroom in Bronxville and we really like it and it's a really cool location, walking distance to everything and I can't wait.
Moving Date: July 1st.

Current Mood:  My preeeecious. Smeagle wants it!
Currently Playing:  "Chariot" Gavin DeGraw. Okay, it's not really playing, I'm at work. But I'm singing it in my head.

I want this apartment like a crazy person.
I was all resigned to the fact that we were going to stay in our apartment with the crappy parking and the too-far-awayness. But then I saw this on the housing webboard.

Bronxville. Two graduate students in the heart of Bronxville are looking for a roommate. The apartment is a spacious 3-bedroom, a ten minute walk from campus and one minute from Metro North. It has hardwood floors and a nice living room/dining area. Both of us (one guy, one woman) are second year students in the fiction program, and we are looking for a generally laid back, friendly person to live with.

I want this apartment like a crazy person.
Okay, first of all, the other two people are both grad students that I know and are very nice. Second of all, this apartment is right in downtown Bronxville, right over the bar that we always go to, and has these big gorgeous windows and I could just walk back and forth to school, because it's so close I can see the freaking school from there. Okay, it's not that close. But it's close. Third of all, it would be nice to live with other people, non-90 year old people. Also, free parking. FREEFREEFREEFREEFREEFREE.

Also, I got a mini-housesitting job this summer. So the lady whose dog I walk is going away to the summer house she owns in New Hampshire (of COURSE she owns a summer house in New Hampshire. By the way, I met the housekeeper the other day. Current people on this womans payroll- 1 dog walker, 1 gardner, 1 housekeeper. Current people on my payroll... 0) for two weeks and she wants me to stay in her house. Furthermore, she wants to pay me to stay in her house for two weeks and swim in her swimming pool and lay around in her central air filled house. Um. Okay. Go ahead and pay me for that. I have to admit, there is something a little bit wierd about living in someone else's house, but I'm willing to work past that. If you want me, I'll be in the pool with my water wings and my goggles. Maybe she has a grill...

Today it's just me in the office. New York has this 'summer hours' thing (maybe it's not a new york thing, but i've never heard of it anywhere else...) where you come in a half hour early mon-fri and then you get out at 1pm on friday. Except me, I stay and answer the phone. I'm okay with that. It's just me and I don't really do anything and I dont have to talk to anyone. Kind of like Joe's job. :)

Last night we went out to celebrate Rob's bday- we couldn't go out on his actual bday because he had a big interview the next day and he had lots of reading to do. But last night we went with Joe and Alissa to the Cheesecake Factory. It was the first time I've ever been and it was really good. Except I ate too much bread and then I was way too full to eat any cheesecake, except for a few bites of Rob's, which he didn't really appreciate.

After work.. there will be Target. Lots and lots of Target.

This is funny.

Current Mood: exuberant
Currently Playing: Everybody Walk the Dinosaur

Laura Quimby, Age 8

There was this YA novel that I read when I was like 13, and it was about this pre-teen girl who went to work at this old stodgy woman's house for extra money for the summer- I think it was Are You There God, It's Me Margaret? Whatever it was, I'm now living it. I took this extra little mini-job.. This woman who lives like 2 min. from SLC needs someone to come walk her dog for an hour mon-fri, so I'm going on my lunch hour and walking her dog. You may be saying to yourself "Laura. You don't like animals", and you're right, but this woman is giving me $10 a day to come and walk for an hour. It doesn't sound like much, but it's basically an extra $200 a month to go out and take a walk. So, anyhow, I should say that she's really really nice, but she retains certain old woman qualities that you can't really blame her for.
First of all, she seems to think my name is Allison.
Conversation today:
"Oh, Hi Allison."
"Hi." (I thought maybe it would pass..)
(Says to dog) "Jenny, this is Allison"
"No, Laura."
"Oh, right, Laura,sorry. I was just at physical therapy, and my therapist's name is Allison, sorry."
Time Lapse- 2 seconds.
"Okay, Allison, let me show you how to put her collar on."

Second- She has stodgy old woman ways
Conversation this evening:
"Hi, Mrs. C, this is your dog walker, Laura"
"Oh, hello."
"Hi, I was wondering- tomorrow we have this big project at work and I'm not supposed to take a lunch, do you think I could walk the dog before work?"
"Well, Laura, what my dog needs is a walk in the middle of the day. But if you can't do it tomorrow, I could just ask my gardner to do it."
(Lady, it's one day. Just one. For extenuating circumstances.)
Which leads me to number three.. the lady has money.

My gardner? Oh course there's a gardner.
Other things she said to me today-
"Sorry I'm late. Do you know that the valet parking at the hospital today took an entire half hour? I couldn't believe it."
"If you see a truck when you come back, it's okay. I'm having all of my furniture reupholstered and delivered."
and just in case you missed it...
"If you can't do it tomorrow afternoon, I can just ask the gardner to do it..."

I have to say though,it's a pretty sweet job. I have my little Harry Potter book on CD that I listen to and I just walk around the neighborhood and look at the enormous houses...

And finally, something Rob said tonight that I'd like to share-
"I feel it's my duty to bring Crunk to the people."- Rob MacInnis

Current Mood:  MMM.. wine. In tiny pre-packaged, individual-sized, mini-bottles, no less...
Currently Playing: Little ditty.. 'bout Jack and Di-A-Anne.

My Only Love Sprung From My Only Hate
I've been eating a lot of blueberry muffins lately. The Stop and Shop by us has these lowfat blueberry muffins that you would THINK would be gross, due to their lowfat, no-fun nature, but you would be oh-so-wrong. They're all doughy and wonderful. And they give me acid reflux. Exactly what part of a blueberry muffin would give you acid reflux? I dont know. But they do. Why, oh why, does everything I love not want to be my friend?
Joe is graduating from Film School tomorrow, and his final film project is up on his site, go here and see it.
Also, it's Erin Carriere's bday. Soy yo, Erin, happy bday. You're old just like me now. Give me a call, we'll go to Bingo together.

Current Mood: World Domination
Currently Playing: Eye of the Tiger



Rob got a new office chair from my parents for his birthday. He thinks he's a badass. He won't let me sit in it, and when I say that, I mean that if he leaves the room and I sit down he gets mad, despite the fact that he isn't sitting in it. He turns around in it so the back is facing me and does that "I'll Get You Next Time Gadget" Dr. Claw thing. Chair? Check. Computer? Check. Commence World Domination.

This is Rob and the New Chair ganging up and making fun of Old Chair.